DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Patty," and her sister, "Anita," have a love-hate relationship. They can't be together for more than an hour without a major argument. Anita is usually the instigator of these loud, ugly disagreements.

My problem is, Patty feels I should confront Anita and put her in her place. I'd like to, but my feelings are so strong I'm afraid I'd have one hellacious, final argument with her and demand that she stay out of our lives forever. I'm afraid if Anita became aggressive I might hit her. I haven't hit anyone since childhood, and under normal circumstances can control my temper.

I've told Patty that although I support her, I can't do what she's asking. It has put quite a strain on our marriage. If I give in and have that final argument, I know Patty will miss her sister and want to make up with her. With that in the background, I know I wouldn't be comfortable with Anita in our home.

Should I do as my wife wishes and reprimand her sister, or tell my wife this is between her and Anita, and keep my mouth shut? -- BETWEEN THE "HATFIELDS AND MC COYS," LITTLE ROCK, ARK.

DEAR BETWEEN: Your wife is old enough and sufficiently experienced to fight her own battles. Your reasons for remaining neutral are compelling. Stay out of it.

DEAR ABBY: Last month a dear friend's husband passed away. The death notice placed in the newspaper by her son-in-law closed with, "Memorial donations to the Mary Jane Doe Educational Fund in care of John Doe appreciated."

Abby, Mary Jane is the deceased's 3-year-old granddaughter. John Doe, the deceased's son-in-law (who is a lawyer and is easily able to pay for his daughter's education), was asked, "Is the money to be used for a scholarship for a needy student?"

He answered, "No, it's for my daughter."

John Doe's mother is Jewish. So, is this a Jewish custom? -- CONFUSED IN CANADA'S CAPITAL

DEAR CONFUSED: Your letter is a first. No, it's not a Jewish custom. And the rabbi with whom I discussed your letter was as flabbergasted as I was.

DEAR ABBY: I have known and cherished "Ellen's" friendship for 36 years. We're both in our 70s now and have been corresponding regularly because we both live comfortably and well in different states. We look forward to receiving mail from each other.

However, for the last four years, Ellen's letters have been written on memo pads, odd pieces of paper or whatever appears to be available. The last one I received from her was written on three separate scraps of paper.

My letters to her have always been on pretty, matched stationery. Do you think Ellen would think I was implying she was cheap if I mailed her a box of stationery and asked her to use it to write to me? -- SICK OF SCRAPS, BILLINGS, MONT.

DEAR SICK OF SCRAPS: I have a better idea: Be subtler. Send her a lovely box of stationery with a note that says: "When I saw this, it reminded me of you and our many wonderful years of friendship -- so I thought you ought to have it."

A friendship of 36 years' duration should be more important to you than the kind of paper that sustains it across the distance.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: Last March, I received a $400 phone bill that included $260 in adult entertainment calls made by my 10-year-old daughter and 11-year-old niece. At first, the phone company refused to adjust the bill, then it gave me credit for half. After five months of fighting with the long-distance phone company, and countless phone calls, I finally got the whole amount credited to my account.

In the state of Oregon, the public utility commission regulates telecommunications. There is a statute that says, "Any obligation that may have arisen from the dialing of a pay-per-call is void and unenforceable if made by an unemancipated child under 18 years of age."

Every state has its own regulations, but a call to your state's public utility commissioner should clarify whether people have to pay the bill in these circumstances. People can also contact the Federal Communications Commission in Washington, D.C.

The phone company knows it is supposed to write off the charges of such calls made by children. Unfortunately, only a small percentage of parents dispute their bill -- even though this is a frequent occurrence. I hope my letter helps other parents. -- VICTORIOUS IN OREGON

DEAR VICTORIOUS: Congratulations. I'm sure your letter will be of interest to other parents of "curious" children. Another effective preventive measure that parents can take is to put a 900 block or an international block on their phone line.

DEAR ABBY: I have some advice for the adult son of "Dad, the Morning Rooster," who can't -- or won't -- get himself up in the morning. I used to have the same problem. I, too, just couldn't wake up in the morning.

The alarm clock on my nightstand would go off, and I'd reach over, turn it off and go back to sleep. Most of the time, I never remembered having turned it off.

I realized I had to do something to keep from missing work, so I decided to make my alarm clock harder to turn off. I bought an alarm clock (a wind-up Big Ben) with bells on the outside. That night, I set the alarm, then placed the clock in a metal dishpan and shoved it under my bed.

The next morning the alarm went off and started rattling the dishpan. The noise shocked me awake. I leaped out of bed to locate the source of the racket and shut it off. (By then I had forgotten where I had put the clock.) By the time I was down on my knees, flailing around beneath the bed, I was so wide-awake I couldn't have fallen back to sleep if I had wanted to.

That young man should try my solution. I can almost guarantee it'll work every time. Sign me ... OLE SLEEPYHEAD FROM FLORIDA

DEAR OLE SLEEPYHEAD: Thank you for the helpful anecdote. For slow risers who would prefer a less radical wake-up, placing the alarm out of reach -- for instance, on the other side of the bedroom -- is a valuable suggestion.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In Branson, Mo., in the heartland of America, we embrace patriotism. Not only does our community host the nation's largest Veterans Day celebration -- Veterans Homecoming -- we honor veterans every day. Our Fourth Annual Homecoming (Nov. 5-11) was attended by more than 25,000 veterans, and we spared no effort to make that week of celebration even more memorable than in years past.

Abby, the Branson Veterans Task Force is a nonprofit organization that creates events honoring veterans year-round. Among the major events we have planned for 1999: Branson Remembers -- a Memorial Day tribute; an old-fashioned patriotic Fourth of July celebration for veterans and families; special memorial services for POW/MIA Day; a ceremony to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the VFW; the annual memorial service for the Four Chaplains of the USS Dorchester; and a ceremony during which we place the flag at half-staff to honor veterans of the Korean War. And, of course, there will be the Fifth Annual Veterans Homecoming, Nov. 5-11, 1999. These are just a sample, in addition to numerous military reunions and conventions throughout the year.

Celebrated entertainers who make Branson their home will participate in the special events and services, and give of their time and talents -- Wayne Newton, Tony Orlando, the Lennon Sisters, Mel Tillis, the Osmonds, Jim Stafford and Box Car Willie, to name only a few. They enthusiastically join in the programs to let our veterans of all conflicts know they are truly honored guests.

Our goal is not only to honor those who have served, but also to educate our youth regarding the sacrifices veterans have made to preserve our freedom. An ongoing educational program has been created in our schools that includes many Medal of Honor recipients as guest speakers.

So please, Abby, convey to veterans everywhere that Branson, Mo., honors American veterans EVERY DAY! -- DEBBIE IKERD, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR

DEAR DEBBIE: Armed conflicts are painful to remember. As time has passed, many Americans have forgotten what was accomplished because of the sacrifices of the members of our armed forces to ensure our comfort, freedom and well-being. However, we must never forget -- or allow our children to forget -- our courageous veterans, both on the battlefield and behind the lines. This includes not only those of World War II and the Cold War that dragged on for decades, but also those of Korea, Vietnam, Grenada, Panama and Desert Storm.

To all the members of the Branson Veterans Task Force: I salute you for keeping the memory alive. It's a pleasure to publicize your efforts on behalf of all veterans.

DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old and have read your column for the last three years. Well, I have just been through thank-you card season again. It can be frustrating, but I found out that instead of sending a card, you can give the person a phone call. It's less frustrating than writing, and you get to hear the person's voice. Bye! -- S.H. IN JEFFERSONVILLE, IND.

DEAR S.H.: I disagree! A phone call can come at an inconvenient time -- and then it becomes an interruption. Also, a thank-you note can be read, re-read and saved -- and many become treasured keepsakes.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)