DEAR ABBY: Please tell me the letter from "A Loving Mom" was an old one, dredged up from the 1950s. This woman needs a reality check if she's concerned with her daughter, at age 19, marrying a man who can keep her in the lifestyle to which her parents have accustomed her. She should be more concerned with her daughter's choice of a career path as a schoolteacher if she's worried about her daughter's ability to maintain her extravagant lifestyle. This is 1999, for crying out loud.

I had hoped that we had evolved beyond women expecting men to support them in this day and age when women are just as capable of generating their own wealth. Are we still applying this obsolete double standard where men are still expected to be the primary provider for the family, while we are competing with women for jobs? -- CHRISTOPHER, AN EQUAL PARTNER IN MY MARRIAGE, GLEN ALLEN, VA.

DEAR CHRISTOPHER: The mother's thinking may have been from the '50s, but the letter was current. I received an armload of letters criticizing me for failing to come down hard on the mother, who may be perceived as being a "U.S. Grade A snob." My thinking was that having raised her, the mother had a pretty good insight into the daughter's adaptability -- and the time to discuss her feelings about the boy's "prospects" was before a serious commitment was made. Now, let's hear it from the readers:

DEAR ABBY: My advice to "Arnie," the boyfriend, is to run like the wind away from that family, especially the mother. The values the girl was raised with will surely surface to make his life miserable. -- LINDA IN WASHINGTON

DEAR ABBY: "Loving Mom" described how successful her husband is, and listed the material things they have enjoyed over the years. But, Abby, she never once mentioned any terms of endearment about her marriage. Life and happiness are not about storing up material things; they're about mutual caring and having a soul mate to share your life with. We as a society need to care about people, not "things." -- A LOVING HUSBAND, HULMEVILLE, PA.

DEAR ABBY: In an age where infidelity and sexual violence rule the headlines, it angers me that this mother feels that "'Arnie,' a fine young man who loves my daughter," who admirably attends college part-time while working, is not making the grade.

So Mom is concerned that her daughter might have to forgo the new cars and nice vacations she has grown up with, and live with a more average income? Please! Yet the letter is signed "A Loving Mom." How about "A Materialistic Mom"? If daughter was as concerned as mother about living on Easy Street, my guess is that she would have dumped Arnie long ago.

I vehemently disagree with your advice to the mother to have a talk with her daughter. Abby, it's the MOM who needs a talking-to. Well-meaning she may be, but I wish she'd wake up to the idea that love and wealth do not go hand-in-hand. -- RANKLED IN ROCHESTER, N.Y. (A MALE READER)

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading a letter in your column from Tom Lynch of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Tom said that if we make a law against using cell phones while driving, then other laws might be enacted such as, "No tuning the radio while driving," "No looking at your passenger during conversation while driving," "No adjusting the temperature while driving," and "No driving without eight hours of sleep."

He also said, "We'll always have tragic accidents ... the potential loss of freedom is much more tragic."

I am outraged! I'm 13. My mother was killed in a car accident a year ago, along with my stepbrother. If not listening to the car radio, not having my dad look at me while driving, being cold or hot in the car, or having my dad say he can't drive me to the mall because he hasn't had eight hours of sleep could bring my mom back, I'd forfeit my "freedoms" in a heartbeat! These things are a small price to pay compared to living without my mother and stepbrother because of someone's carelessness.

Tom -- get a life! -- CHRISTY GRIFFITH, PALM HARBOR, FLA.

DEAR CHRISTY: For one so young, you have written a powerful letter. Please accept my deepest sympathy on the tragic loss of your beloved mother and stepbrother. Although nothing will bring them back, perhaps your letter will remind motorists that their cars are powerful machines, capable of inflicting the most severe damage if they are not used with care and consideration for others.

DEAR ABBY: If you're not up to here with responses to "Dad, the Morning Rooster," please consider my comments for publication.

"Dad's" son could have been me when I was young. Alarm clocks never had the desired effect on me. I was called lazy, and my guidance counselor said I lacked motivation. My teachers branded me a slacker. I slept on the bus, slept in class, etc., although I tested off the charts for aptitude and intelligence. Because of my sleep problems, I barely graduated from high school and had an extremely difficult time in college. My employers were even less understanding of my difficulty than my teachers.

Abby, when my wife complained about my sleepiness and difficulty in waking up, I finally consulted a doctor. Guess what, folks! I do not get restorative sleep. I have a condition called sleep apnea that prevents the sleep state from rejuvenating me.

I am scheduled for a surgical procedure that may relieve me of this affliction, and I'm excited beyond words. "Dad" should have his son evaluated at a sleep disorder clinic, before the relationship is strained beyond repair. -- WAITING FOR A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP IN GALENA, OHIO

DEAR WAITING: Sleep apnea can, indeed, interfere with restorative sleep, leaving one still in need of rest when the sun comes up in the morning. Perhaps the young man does suffer from this disorder and would benefit from being evaluated by a sleep disorder specialist. Thanks for suggesting it.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently got back together after a year's separation. I made a lot of mistakes and have been trying hard to make it up to her. We are now getting along better than ever.

There is, however, a terrible, nagging doubt in my mind. In the year that we were separated, my wife became good friends with a lesbian. I would never have suspected anything more than a good friendship existed, except for two reasons: First of all, things between us are great everywhere except in bed. I'm not the most sensitive guy, but her lack of enthusiasm in this department is obvious.

Second, one day last week I was supposed to meet her at her office for lunch. When I arrived, there was a note for me to wait in her office until she returned from a meeting. Being curious about her various projects, I looked through her files. I came across a file with the gay woman's name on it. I couldn't resist. I read through it and was shocked. In the file was a collection of beautiful love letters and poems written by this woman to my wife. Some of the poems were very erotic.

Abby, I can't stop thinking about the possibility that my wife was -- or still is -- lovers with this woman. It's torturing me. Should I confront her with my suspicions or should I keep my mouth shut? -- TORTURED IN OREGON

DEAR TORTURED: Whether you should confront her depends upon how much you want to know. Think the matter through carefully. How will it affect your reconciliation if you confirm that your wife did have a lesbian relationship during your separation, that she is still having one, or that she's bisexual? You will then have to decide if you can accept her as she is, or whether it's back to square one in your marriage -- again facing a split.

Of course, only you can make the decision, but I advise you to proceed with extreme caution.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, but I recently moved 2,000 miles away. We decided to stay together because we really love each other. I know he is the one I want to marry.

The problem is that he says he's going to move here to be with me, but he doesn't know when he will be able to let go of our old hometown. His mother died almost four years ago and is buried in the town cemetery, and he doesn't know if he can leave her.

What should I do? Should I move back to be with him, or wait it out and see how long it will take him to come here? I am very confused. Please help. -- LOST IN ARIZONA

DEAR LOST: Your boyfriend's roots in that town go deeper than his mother. He may be having second thoughts about continuing your relationship. You must decide if he's worth waiting for, or whether you should return home to join him in his graveside vigil.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)