DEAR ABBY: I am 34 and divorced for three years. I met a very nice man I'll call Jim at my boss's Christmas party. We hit it off very well (at least I thought we did). He is about 20 years older than I and in the process of getting a divorce. Also, he is a friend of my boss. They play racquetball every week.

At the party, he told me I was "too young." I felt I met a nice person to be friends with, and the age difference doesn't bother me. I have been through a six-year relationship, live on my own and pay my own bills.

It's been two weeks, and I would like to know how I can see him without jeopardizing my job or a friendship. He didn't ask for my phone number, but he knows where I work. Should I sit back and wait, or should I call him? I don't want to embarrass him or myself, but I don't see why a younger woman can't date an older man. I will abide by your advice. -- INTERESTED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR INTERESTED: I advise you to wait. Age is not the only factor. You are an independent woman of the '90s who can ask a man for a date. However, for you to aggressively pursue your boss's still-married friend could be misinterpreted, and you could be hurt, both emotionally and in your career.

DEAR ABBY: Of all the phrases and terms we use, the one that offends me the most is "illegitimate child." I guess I'll go to my grave wondering what a newborn child does to become illegitimate. What horrendous crime did he or she commit? How did he or she sin beyond all redemption to become forever illegitimate?

If there's a stigma to be attached to a child born out of wedlock, let's put it where it belongs -- on the parents.

Put the word out, Abby, there is no such thing as an illegitimate child. There are only illegitimate parents. -- GENE IN OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR GENE: The term "illegitimate" originates from the old English laws of inheritance. A legitimate child -- one born within the bonds of wedlock -- could inherit his father's property. An illegitimate child could not.

You are correct that it's not the child's fault that his or her parents didn't marry. Rather, it's the sins of emission and omission on the part of the parents.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I haven't seen my dad in about 10 years. He was abusive when I was growing up, and it was a relief when Mom finally divorced him. At one point, my sister caught him peeking at her through the bathroom window.

I finally gave up on him after I became an adult, living overseas in a remote area for seven years. My father never answered a single letter I wrote, or even sent a Christmas card. When I came to town on annual leave he never had much time for me, and once he stood me up at a restaurant. When I moved back to the United States, I decided to stop initiating contact. He's never been to visit me.

He called about six months ago and asked me to visit him the next time I'm in his town. As it happens, I'll be there in a month or two.

Father feels a little guilty about his past behavior, but mostly he's in denial and expects his children to respect him. I feel uncomfortable seeing him, but he's growing older and I don't want to feel guilty when he dies.

What do you think is the right thing to do? -- FED UP IN ALASKA

DEAR FED UP: Love and respect aren't automatic; they have to be earned and nurtured. Certainly, your father has done little over the years to deserve your respect. I hate to see you set up for more heartbreak. However, if you don't go that extra mile and give him a telephone call when you arrive, you may always regret it. You'll be able to tell from the response you get at that time whether it's worth your time and effort to re-establish contact.

DEAR ABBY: It is so sad to be a stepmother of a teen-age girl whom I just can't love. She's been living with us for four years. She's 16 and a very difficult child. (I'll call her Sharon.)

Sharon doesn't like to shower. She gets so mad when I insist that she gets in the shower, gets wet, gets out and without toweling off, re-dresses in the dirty clothes she's been wearing for days. I have tried everything to get her to practice proper hygiene.

Abby, Sharon is the best kid around when her father is at home, but he works long hours, and while he's away she is the kid from hell.

Her mother refuses to take her back. What should I do? -- SAD STEPMOM

DEAR STEPMOM: Happy children don't behave this way. Sharon needs psychiatric help. Fill her father in on everything, and insist that Sharon see a counselor as soon as possible.

DEAR ABBY: This is for "Shorty From Wisconsin," who needs a booster seat in the restaurant. For years, I carried a pillow to the Los Angeles Music Center when attending concerts. It's a round form from the fabric store. I covered it with gold brocade and included a 3-inch-wide carrying strap on the side. Because it seemed awkward to carry both a pillow and a purse, I included a small zipper pocket under the strap, just large enough for my driver's license, health cards, lipstick and handkerchief. (Yes, I'm one of those "little old ladies" who still carry a white handkerchief!)

Years ago, I put a similar zipper pocket in the corner of my daughter's beach towel. It was just large enough to hold a bottle of sunscreen, a small comb and bus money. -- EVIE DE POISTER, SANTA MONICA, CALIF.

DEAR EVIE: Your idea of including a concealed zipper pocket was clever. I'm passing it along for readers who are fortunate enough to know how to sew -- or to know someone who does.

DEAR ABBY: I am a gay man who is in the middle of a nasty divorce, ending a 10-year marriage. I married to hide the fact that I am gay from my conservative religious parents and family.

This divorce has been a terrible experience for both my wife and me, and we will bear the scars of this broken relationship for many years to come. The irony is, my parents have fully accepted my homosexuality and are extremely supportive.

How I wish I had waited until I was strong enough to deal honestly with my sexuality instead of getting married. Young men who are in my shoes need to heed my advice: "Give yourselves time to come to terms with your sexuality." Lesbians, too, should know that they can be happy and live rewarding and productive lives if they accept themselves as they are.

Abby, my effort to become a heterosexual was a total farce for me! Gays and lesbians should find a supportive therapist and give themselves time to mature. If one person learns from my terrible mistake, it will make it worth the pain. -- 20/20 HINDSIGHT IN NEW YORK

DEAR 20/20: Thank you for sending a message that many people -- gay and straight -- will appreciate. I am reminded of a quote from Shakespeare: "This above all: To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, you ran a letter signed "Grieving" that listed some things people should not say to a couple who has lost a child by miscarriage. I still hurt after 15 years, and I'm the grandmother. You may use my name. -- NANA IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR NANA: I'm sorry. Losing a child is one of life's most painful tragedies -- one almost too difficult to bear. Of course I will print the column again so that well-meaning people will not offer sympathetic comments that only increase the pain:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I wanted so much to have this child, and we almost made it, but I miscarried a baby boy in my sixth month and he couldn't be saved. This tragedy was heartbreaking enough, but some of the "comforting" comments from well-meaning friends made it even worse.

Abby, will you please ask your readers NEVER to try to comfort a woman who has lost a premature baby with any of the following comments -- and if you can add anything, please do:

-- "Cheer up, you're still young. You can try again."

-- "You have one child already. Be thankful for what you have."

-- "It was God's will. Praise the Lord."

-- "You could have been lucky; it might not have been normal."

-- "Don't be so downhearted -- it isn't as though you lost a CHILD." -- GRIEVING

DEAR GRIEVING: To the above well-intentioned but inappropriate comments, I can repeat some advice I have frequently offered: To the parents, a miscarriage is the loss of a child. They have anticipated, planned for and prepared for the child, which they will never have. Regardless of how many other children they may have, one child will never replace the one who was lost.

If a friend loses a child through miscarriage, express your feelings of sorrow as though she had lost a "living" child. Because she has.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)