DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "K," a woman who has been dating a wonderful man for 18 months. She loves him with all her heart, but thought she would rather be his friend than permanent partner. You advised her to break things off, so that both of them may be free to find "true love."

Abby, that helps perpetuate one of the saddest lies of human existence. "Chemistry" and "magic" -- as you call them -- have almost nothing to do with love. Passion and lust, as such, are illusions that hold empty promises and fade quickly. Why do you think there are so many more failed and broken relationships than happy, lifelong ones? Because people believe these lies are indicators of love, and search again and again for them when they fail to fulfill.

Love is eternal and ever-present. Love is also more closely related to friendship than passion. If you polled successful marriages, you would find that the most committed partners claim they were best friends first. Passion is certainly exciting and part of the shared experience between partners, but true intimacy grows from trust and friendship -- not from the fear that lustful illusions bring.

At one time, my wife was like "K." It took seven long years for my patient love to find its way into her heart, but we've been happily and passionately married ever since! True love never walks away from another. I hope "K's" boyfriend hangs in there and shows her what love is really all about. -- BRUCE CULP, VERO BEACH, FLA.

DEAR BRUCE: Although much of what you say about love is true, it's my observation that when a woman says she "would rather be friends," it means that sexual attraction is missing. Please read on:

DEAR ABBY: This is my first letter to you, but because the topic is so important, I felt I must share my thoughts.

I am writing in response to the young woman who has been seeing a man for 18 months, but wants to be only friends with him. While she says she "loves" him, she clearly is not "in love" with him. You were so right to advise her to be honest with the man. I hope she takes what you said to heart and doesn't fall into the trap that I did.

Twenty years ago, I had been seeing the ideal man. We had so much in common. After a few months of dating, I told him I liked him very much, but didn't feel that I was in love with him. He was devastated, and I was racked with guilt. I doubted my own judgment and wondered how I could throw away the "perfect" mate. The result was that I "learned" to love him and we married.

Abby, after 17 years of a very difficult marriage, I am finally on my own -- regretting that I ever gave in to guilt. Please tell your readers, as the saying goes, "In matters of the heart, follow your heart ..." not your need to take care of others. The price is too high. -- LEARNED THE HARD WAY

DEAR LEARNED THE HARD WAY: You said it -- and eloquently.

DEAR ABBY: Is it appropriate for a couple to host their own housewarming party? Or should someone else host it? -- D.C. IN DALLAS

DEAR D.C.: Traditionally, housewarming parties are hosted by the new homeowners.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I just want to thank you for your suggestions about Christmas gifts for seniors. My 15-year-old daughter took your advice and made beautiful "family albums" for each of her grandmothers.

Around Thanksgiving of last year, she wrote letters to all their brothers, sisters, children and grandchildren, explaining what she was planning and saying she'd like a memory or a story involving them. She also asked if they had any photographs she could use or copy.

The replies were great! Almost everyone took the time to send an old memory or a funny story. Those who didn't regretted it once they saw the books.

My mother and mother-in-law both cried when they read their albums. It was something special just to watch their faces and hear all the "Oh, yeahs," and, "I forgot about thats."

Both albums are proudly displayed in their homes and are passed around often. I'm very proud of my daughter for all her hard work on those books. She did a great job.

My question for you, Abby, is: How does she top that this year? -- TIA'S PROUD MOM, BETHLEHEM, PA.

DEAR MOM: I don't blame you for being proud of your creative and generous daughter. The answer to your question is: Sometimes it's better to coast until you're blessed with another inspiration.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to encourage "Scared in Vista, Calif.," who was uneasy about meeting the daughter she had placed for adoption 18 years ago.

I am 27, and it suddenly became very important to me that I know my heritage, medical history, and the reason I was placed for adoption. I have never felt abandoned or unloved because of my birth mother's decision to allow someone else to raise me. To me, such a decision is the most unselfish act a woman can ever make.

Abby, I recently located and met my birth mother. My adoptive mother, who is my mom, also recently met my birth mom. It was, by far, the most amazing event in my life to date. It has been several months since my first call to her, and I have visited with her and her entire family four times now. We frequently telephone one another.

There were many reasons I wanted to meet her, but first and foremost, I wanted to thank her. Mom expressed the same sentiment when we met my birth mother. Please tell "Scared" that there is no reason to be afraid. She will experience many emotions on this journey and will need to allow time for everyone to adjust, but I guarantee that her daughter has been looking for her, and she is probably just as nervous as the mother. However, the meeting should not be feared. They should not back off now. The rewards are just around the bend. -- NO LONGER GUESSING IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NO LONGER GUESSING: I'm pleased that the reunion with your birth mother was rewarding. Not every reunion between birth families and adoptees works out so well. However, in recent years the input I have received indicates that the majority of these meetings are fulfilling, and the result is that many doubts are laid to rest -- which makes them worth the risk.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: This is to comment on your advice to "Emotionally Bruised," whose mother is super-critical. Do not assume that a calm, mature approach will make a difference. Years ago, I read advice similar to your reply to her in a magazine.

"Mom," I said, at an appropriate moment, "it hurts me when you say things like that." She gave me one of her exasperated sighs, and glared at me. "You were always so sensitive!" she said.

It is well known that the abuser turns the fault back onto the victim. Now my sister -- less sensitive, I guess -- wonders why I don't feel guilt for my absence. -- STILL BRUISED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR STILL BRUISED: That letter touched a nerve with many readers, who felt my answer did not go far enough. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Although you were right that "Emotionally Bruised" should tell her mother how she feels, it may not resolve the problem. I followed that advice, and what followed was Mom calling me for several days, crying and saying I had "misinterpreted" what she had said. The same pattern occurred again and again. If I spoke up, the crying began.

Sometimes you have to protect yourself from your own mother. You may have to accept that she will never change, so distance yourself. No one should have to take abuse. Continue to visit, but when she starts her lectures, say, "Sorry, Mom, I have to go," then make your exit and don't look back. -- FREER AND HAPPIER NOW

DEAR FREER: Call me an optimist, but I thought confronting the offending parent and explaining how the criticisms made her feel might be enough. There is no "one size fits all" answer to a problem like this, because some families are more dysfunctional than others. However, I would recommend avoiding the parent only as a last resort. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My mother also constantly insulted me. I never lived up to her standards. She disliked my friends, one in particular because her brother had gotten into trouble. My girlfriend never got into trouble. I never did, either. I never even smoked or drank.

I was always told that I'd be a failure and would never graduate from high school. Not only did I graduate, but I went on to two business schools, and was on the President's List and the honor roll.

When I met the man I eventually married, Mom hated him and made no bones about it. She tried to break us up whenever we visited her, and called on the telephone and tried to start something. When I learned it was impossible for me to have children, she blamed me for it. She said if I lost weight, I would be able to give her grandkids. I never could convince her otherwise.

My mother was always "disowning" me. Many times I tried to keep us together, but one day, I'd had it. She disowned me -- and I never went back. Since then, my life has improved dramatically. For the first time in my life, I had peace. I used to do a lot of crying, but that stopped, too.

Mother is dead now, and finally we are both at peace. -- FREE AT LAST IN VIRGINIA

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)