DEAR ABBY: I met the most wonderful lady about eight years ago. I'll call her "Evy." We've been going together ever since. About seven years ago, I proposed marriage and she said yes, but we are still not married. She makes excuses one after another that "things come up." She had a very bad marriage with an alcoholic husband who abused her. He died about 20 years ago. We're both in our later years.

Abby, I love Evy very much. She's been on public assistance for many years, and I have been helping her financially. The problem is, the financial aid I'm giving her has become quite a burden. It has escalated a lot.

Evy tells me she loves me and that we'll be together eventually, but it doesn't happen. I don't want to lose her, but I can't go on this way anymore. She lives with her sister, and to put it bluntly, I can no longer maintain two households. Neither Evy nor her sister works, and I see no way for me other than putting an end to being a good Samaritan. I'm very frustrated and would appreciate your comments. -- NEEDS LOVE AND COMPANIONSHIP

DEAR NEEDS LOVE: It's time to put away your checkbook and move on. You have waited long enough and given far too much. If you and Evy were meant to be married, it would have happened a long time ago.

DEAR ABBY: I was struck by the letter from a woman who felt she wasn't coping well with empty-nest syndrome. She said she had been to her local bookstore and had asked the clerk to help her find a book on the subject. The clerk was unable to direct her to what she needed, and was somewhat flip regarding the woman's personal distress.

Abby, please remind your readers to use their local public library. Bookstores are wonderful places, but bookstores are just what the name implies: stores. Bookstores stock what will sell. Many times when a book is no longer popular, bookstores will no longer stock it.

Libraries are collections of information. Today's libraries contain a wealth of information, developed to help people meet their personal informational, educational and recreational needs. Most are free of charge, with their services available to anyone who walks through the door.

Abby, you wouldn't recommend that people seek counseling from a non-professional. Well, locating information is the same. Librarians are trained information specialists. Please remind people to ask the librarian if they cannot find what they need. Thank you! -- DONNA R. BERRYMAN, FARMINGTON, MINN.

DEAR DONNA: You're welcome. Readers, if you're shopping for information, your local library is an excellent place to begin.

CONFIDENTIAL TO 'WISH THERE WAS A WAY': Don't give up.

"Where the heart is willing, it will find a thousand ways;

"Where it is unwilling, it will find a thousand excuses." (Arlen Price)

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I need some advice about how to talk to my father. I'm getting married soon and do not want him to give me away at the wedding ceremony.

He left when I was about 2 years old and came back into the picture again when I was 16. The man who was more like a father to me, and still is, is my grandfather. He is the person I would like to ask to give me away.

I haven't been able to come up with a diplomatic way of telling my father how I feel. I'm not even sure I want him at my wedding. He knows I don't value him as a daughter should value a father and has made several attempts to redeem himself in my eyes. However, I am far from impressed.

Since I am sadly lacking communication skills, will you please help me? -- LISA IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LISA: You communicate your feelings better than you think you do. May I suggest a compromise? Ask both your father and your grandfather to walk you down the aisle, one on each arm. There is no reason to hurt either man on your special day. In years to come you will be happy you made the gesture. The alternative is to walk down the aisle alone.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Still Crying in Fairmont," whose fiance, "Mike," rejected her after she had spent a year caring for his sick mother, really hit home with me. I was asked to come to Colorado from the Northwest to help a man who had some development property. "Cary's" affairs were in a mess. He hired me, and I tried to straighten everything out. He promised to pay me after everything was taken care of. Like Mike, Cary pledged eternal fidelity and promised we'd have a wonderful life together. I worked long hours every day for six years for him.

Cary received some death threats, and I even risked my life for him. I protected him because I believed him. I spent 18 months in prison because I refused to testify against him. Guess what? When I was released, I came home and found he was living with another woman! He told me he had never cared about me, and has since tried to make me look like the bad guy.

I have cried a bucket of tears and am ashamed for having been taken in. My life has been torn apart, and I ended up with post-traumatic stress syndrome. I finally realized that Cary has done this to people all his life. Well, enough was enough! I sued him for what he owes me. No judgment has been rendered, but I do have a trial date.

Abby, men like Mike and Cary are the worst criminals of all. Not only do they take everything you have, they break your heart.

I have been sick emotionally and physically, and cannot seem to get over it and have turned to God for his guidance. -- DEVASTATED IN DENVER

DEAR DEVASTATED: You have my sympathy. There is give- and-take in all relationships, but it's supposed to be a two-way street. It's clear from your letter that you did all the giving and Cary did all the taking.

I'm pleased that you are finding comfort in God. I can't think of a more potent combination than God and a good lawyer. I hope you nail the buzzard.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently discovered that my fiance has been seeing another woman for the past year and a half. He swears that I am the one he loves, and he still wants us to get married. However, I'm having difficulty digesting all that has happened. To make matters worse, the other woman is pregnant.

What should I do? I love him, but will I be able to trust him? Should I marry him and live with the knowledge of his affair and love child for the rest of my life? -- DEVASTATED IN NEW YORK

DEAR DEVASTATED: I can't decide that for you. The question you must ask yourself is how will it affect you as your husband supports the child he fathered during your engagement, and your own ability to accept the child if your husband wants it to be part of your lives. After all, it's his flesh and blood.

Your fiance has committed a serious breach of trust, and you are right to question both his truthfulness and his ability to be monogamous. A relationship that has lasted a year and a half isn't a "fling" or a one-night stand. Proceed with caution.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are in our 20s and have the first grandchild on both sides of the family. Naturally, they all want to spend time with her. Because of a divorce/remarriage in the family, there are three sets of grandparents and two sets of great-grandparents. Some of them see her at least twice a week, the rest at least once a week.

Abby, my mother is offended that we asked another grandparent to baby-sit for us once. Another problem is a couple of the grandparents think our 5-month-old daughter should taste adult food. We have advice from nurses about our daughter's care, but the grandparents think they know better than us or the nurses.

We know that it is good for our child to know all her grandparents and that she is special to them, but we need time with her without them.

Please print our letter. Maybe they will recognize themselves, and then my wife will not have to feel guilty for no reason, and perhaps they will back off and let us parent our daughter without our having to move far away. -- YOUNG FATHER IN CANADA

DEAR YOUNG FATHER: With three sets of grandparents competing to see who will spend more time with the child, I don't blame you for feeling overwhelmed. Ignore any advice that conflicts with your pediatrician's -- and establish a strict schedule for them to see your daughter.

DEAR READERS: Today we celebrate the birth of a great American, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., whose life was dedicated to furthering equality for those to whom it had been denied. His speech, which began, "I have a dream ..." is a classic.

However, another quote of Dr. King's bears repeating: "The good neighbor looks beyond the external accidents and discerns those inner qualities that make all men human, and therefore, brothers."

During this final year of the century, look into the hearts of your neighbors. It will reconfirm that despite our difference, we are all very much alike.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)