DEAR ABBY: My son was married last month. Before the wedding, he asked me if I would contribute financially to the reception. I offered to pay for the drinks, and he and his fiancee seemed appreciative. The bride's parents are divorced, but they, too, have each contributed several thousand dollars to the reception.

A few days before the wedding, my son informed me that the total cost of the beverage bill came to nearly $3,000. I wrote a check for that amount.

My son's bride told my wife that there would be some extra charges, so I telephoned the accountant at the hotel to get the exact amount. The accountant informed me that there were no extra charges, and the total bar bill was less than half the amount I had contributed. My son refused to discuss the matter, so I sent the invoice from the hotel to him and his wife two weeks ago. Since then, there has been total silence on their end, and it looks like a cold relationship is developing. My wife says I should forget about the extra $1,700, since they probably needed the money for other expenses. I maintain there's an ethical issue here that shouldn't be swept under the rug. What do you think? -- CHEATED FATHER/FATHER-IN-LAW IN WISCONSIN

DEAR CHEATED: I agree with you. There is the ethical issue of honesty. You were right to let your son and his bride know they couldn't "pull the wool" over your eyes. Their silence indicates their embarrassment and probably an inability to repay the money.

Write a note telling them you'll accept payments on the installment plan. Then bill them every month until they have paid off the debt.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 18 years and have three children. Last spring, my husband moved out to "find himself" and promised he would be back. Well, he found a lady "friend" with whom he's been spending a lot of time, drinking and partying. He never did this before.

When he went camping alone with this woman, it was more than I could take. He said nothing happened. I didn't believe him and filed for divorce. He has nothing to do with me now, and not much to do with the kids. I know it's probably over, and I'm having a hard time accepting it. I have very little self-esteem. Do you think I should try to get him back or accept the situation and get on with my life? He has changed so much that I don't really like him anymore, but I want to do the right thing for the kids' sake. He refuses to give up this woman -- she even comes before the kids.

Abby, what do you think? -- HURTING IN FARGO, N.D.

DEAR HURTING: After 18 years, you know your husband very well. Since he refuses to give up the woman and try to revive the marriage, you have no choice but to go on with your life.

During a long marriage, sometimes it's hard to distinguish between where you leave off and your spouse begins. It's important that you now allow time for yourself. The better you become reacquainted with yourself, and the more independent you become, the more your self-esteem -- and your life -- will improve.

If the going gets rough, talk to your friends, your minister or a counselor. Although it's hard to start over, and it will take some time, you will get over this unhappiness and emerge stronger for it. Trust me.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: I recently attended yet another funeral where several speakers shared reminiscences of the deceased. As charming and comforting as the stories were, it was very frustrating to listen to even the most heartfelt comments when I had no idea who the speakers were or their relationship to the deceased.

Relatives and friends came from hundreds of miles away. The church was packed with schoolmates, neighbors and friends. My family were not the only mourners who had no clue about who these speakers were. A simple, "My name is Bill Smith. Tom and I played football at Granite College together," would have been so considerate. Even the clergy remained anonymous.

One notable exception was a service that Cardinal O'Connor conducted for a longtime friend in Washington, D.C. He didn't presume that everyone knew who he was, and introduced himself and his relationship to the deceased. It made his participation poignant and personal. -- MIFFED MOURNER IN DELAWARE

DEAR MIFFED: Your suggestion is one of the ABCs of public speaking that should be remembered by anyone stepping before a microphone. However, most speakers at funerals and memorials are amateurs who are unaccustomed to speaking before an audience (most are emotionally stressed as well). I'm sure the people you heard were speaking from their hearts, so attribute their omissions to inexperience.

DEAR ABBY: This is for "Paying the Price in Phoenix," the woman who was arrested for DUI:

The reason you were locked in jail like a common criminal is because you WERE a common criminal. It makes no difference whether you are a "professional" or not. Astute officers also arrest doctors, ministers, judges and the like.

Be grateful you lost your license for only 30 days, and you didn't kill anyone! The money you had to pay as a result of your drunken actions is only money. You are alive! Get over your parents being disgusted with you. Would they have their daughter D.O.A. instead of DUI?

The stress you are experiencing will pass, once you get on with the business of living. Mine did. I also called my arresting officers after my hangover cleared to thank them for keeping one more drunk off the streets -- permanently. I learned after two DUIs, and I'm recovering from alcoholism by the grace of God and the 12 steps of AA. -- RECOVERING IN ROME, N.Y.

DEAR RECOVERING: You have written a powerful and sobering letter. Thank you for it -- and continued success in your sobriety.

DEAR ABBY: I believe your suggestion to the guy who has his name on his ex-girlfriend's posterior could be improved upon. Since everybody in their small town knows about it, why not declare her caboose a public billboard and let other names be tattooed on her backside as they qualify?

I had a shipmate during World War II who had his girl's name tattooed on his thigh. After he got the proverbial "Dear John" letter, a short trip to the tattoo artist resulted in "Patty" becoming "Batty" -- which he said he was, to have done it in the first place. -- NO NAME IN TEXAS

DEAR NO NAME: Your letter is a hoot. Fortunately, for tattooed ladies and gentlemen who've had a change of heart -- or circumstances -- laser surgery is an efficient way of erasing the evidence with a minimum of pain.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an older woman living an isolated life in a tiny apartment, but I try to keep myself busy. I am forced to live here due to tight finances and poor health. Rather than depending on medication or counseling, I think having a small dog would lift my depression and bring me much happiness.

Because of my restricted income, I cannot find an apartment complex that will allow dogs. The owner of my building claims he doesn't allow them because of fleas, but isn't there something you can give dogs to remedy that problem? -- A DAILY READER

DEAR DAILY READER: It's a fact that pets can have a therapeutic effect on chronically ill people. And you are correct that there are medications available that have practically eliminated flea problems -- if the dog is kept inside or in a restricted area. If the dog is taken out where many other dogs have been, it could be exposed again; however, with care, fleas should be no problem.

Call a veterinarian and ask for information about flea protection; then approach your landlord again. If he (or she) still refuses, contact the nearest senior center or agency on aging for assistance in negotiating with your landlord. If no compromise is possible, perhaps they will help you find an affordable apartment where pets are allowed.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I just celebrated our 10th anniversary. Our problem is that most people -- including our families -- think it was our sixth anniversary. We were married quietly because we were short of money. When we had enough saved up to have the wedding we wanted, we got "married" again, and didn't mention the first one. We felt that if people knew we were already husband and wife, they wouldn't view our ceremony and reception as special and might not attend.

We didn't really lie. We just never discussed our quiet marriage ceremony, and no one ever asked how long we've been married. When someone does ask, we don't hide the facts.

Abby, should we come clean? -- NOT QUITE TRUTHFUL IN GEORGIA

DEAR NOT QUITE TRUTHFUL: Allowing others to believe a falsehood while withholding the truth is akin to lying. The date of your marriage is nobody's business but yours; however, since your conscience is bothering you, tell your family the truth. There's no way to sugar-coat the deception, but I suspect your family and friends will be understanding. You may be surprised to discover you're not the only couple who have fibbed about the date of their marriage.

DEAR ABBY: You recently pointed out to your readers the importance of senior citizens getting their flu shots and pneumococcal immunizations. Abby, please remind them that it is also important to keep their tetanus vaccinations current. People tend to forget that a tetanus booster is needed every 10 years after the initial immunization.

Thank you for helping to keep seniors -- and others -- healthy. -- MARY SHINN, IMPERIAL COUNTY HEALTH DEPARTMENT, EL CENTRO, CALIF.

DEAR MARY: Thank YOU. Readers, may I remind you to also keep a list in your wallet of all immunization dates and medications you take, as well as drug allergies. In case of an emergency, this information can be vital.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)