DEAR ABBY: This concerns the letter from "No New Name in Oregon," the teen-ager whose mother suddenly decided to have the child's last name changed to her maiden name. You missed the boat on that one, Abby.

I'm a former lawyer who has dealt with many parents in divorce situations. When the desire to change a child's last name comes from the divorced parent rather than the child, the desire is usually a disguised policy or emotional statement from the parent.

The teen-ager told you she had recently gotten to know her dad's side of the family. Shortly afterward, the mother announced that the child should have her (the mother's) name for "convenience, clarity, a sense of unity." Since the teen didn't mention any instances of recent inconvenience or confusion because of the different names, my reaction was that the mother very likely felt threatened, and wanted to send a message to the world that "she's mine" -- and to the ex, "You can't have her!"

Parents should work out their emotions related to divorce in counseling, not in the divorce courts or by using their children.

"No New Name in Oregon" should know that her name is HERS. She should be allowed to lovingly tell her mother, "I love you very much, and will always be yours regardless of my name. However, I am used to my name and don't want to change it at this late date."

Abby, I felt that the girl was asking you for help in standing firm against her mother, and reassurance that it was OK to be herself, to keep a name that was meaningful to her, regardless of her mother's needs. I wish you had affirmed that her name, now and always, is a matter of HER choice and desires, and NOT a matter on which she should be pressured by others. In fact, the "others" -- including her mother -- should respect her daughter's needs, feelings and decisions.

Although it's not proper or desirable for a minor to urge her mother into counseling, you, Abby, are in a position to urge adults everywhere to examine their motives, and suggest that, if their behavior is influenced by the fallout from a divorce, counseling can be helpful no matter how long ago the divorce was finalized. -- SHELLEY BRENNEMAN CARTER, STANFORD, ILL.

DEAR SHELLEY: You analyzed the mother's motives more shrewdly than I did -- and if you're correct, they are deplorable. Of course, the girl has the right to retain her father's name if she wishes, since one's name goes to the core of one's identity.

I agree there appear to be some unresolved issues about the divorce that the mother hasn't dealt with, and that need resolution. That's more important than any name change.

DEAR ABBY: Would you please pass on this suggestion to help make losing one's wallet a bit more endurable:

The next time you are near a photocopy machine, lay the contents of your wallet (other than cash and photographs) on it, and make a copy of them.

Then, should your wallet be lost or stolen, you will have all the numbers handy to report the loss. -- CREDIT COUNSELOR IN NEW YORK

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A couple of weeks ago, my grandfather was having chest pains. He has a history of heart problems, and had been prescribed nitroglycerin pills for emergencies. Unfortunately, the pills had expired long ago. My grandfather knew it and took two to make up the difference. It didn't, so he took two more. Abby, my grandfather took six pills within a half-hour and was feeling progressively worse. He called my grandmother and asked her to call 911.

A few hours later, we learned that he had suffered a severe angina attack. It didn't damage his heart, but he could have avoided a hospital stay if the pills he had taken were still potent. Some people might think that the expiration date stamped on the bottle is a "guideline" or just a way for the pharmacy to make money. As my family learned, this assumption is wrong.

Please tell your readers the importance of checking the expiration dates on their medications, and that the pills are not good after the expiration date -- even if the bottle is unopened. -- ALLEN BOUCHARD, CUMBERLAND, R.I.

DEAR ALLEN: I'm passing the word along -- with a little advice from a pharmacist at the Mayo Clinic: Many medications are relatively stable, but it's probably a good idea to discard medications that have been in the patient's possession for more than a year. Nitroglycerin is an exception, however, because it can deteriorate even more rapidly. Because of this fact, pharmacists will dispense this medication in the original bottle from the manufacturer -- which has an airtight seal under the cover.

This is the reason it's not a good idea for patients to transfer nitroglycerin tablets to any other kind of pillbox or container. Once the seal on the bottle is broken, it's wise to get a new supply of the drug after three to six months and to discard the old bottle -- particularly if the medication has been exposed to heat and humidity. This is usually not a hardship for the patient, as nitroglycerin is a fairly inexpensive medication.

DEAR ABBY: I am 13 years old and in the eighth grade. Last year, a new guy moved to our school. When I first saw him, something clicked! I fell for him instantly. I mean, I knew I liked him before I even talked to him.

When he found out I was interested, he said he thought I was cute and he'd like to get to know me better. Then school was out.

Now, we're back in school, but the only time I get to see him is at lunch for about 30 minutes. He's always turning around and looking at me and smiling, but we haven't even talked to each other!

What should I do? Write him a letter? Talk to him? Wave? Please help! -- IN LOVE IN KENTUCKY

DEAR IN LOVE: Chances are that he feels the same way about you -- that's why he keeps turning around and looking at you. But don't put anything on paper. The next time he turns around and smiles at you, smile back. Say "Hi," and ask him what he thought of last Friday's football game, or some other school activity. Listen attentively. That will break the ice and perhaps get the ball rolling.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old woman with two daughters, 17 and 13. I've been divorced for eight months, but the marriage was dead 10 years ago. Most of that time, I have slept on the couch. Although my daughters never saw me hold hands, kiss, or show any kind of affection toward their father, I'm not sure they realized how unhappy our marriage was, and they were upset when we divorced.

I met "Andy" while separated but still legally married. We have fallen in love and want to marry in about six months. However, my daughters are not crazy about him and think I should date others.

Andy and I have been looking at engagement rings. I'm worried that if I just show up with a ring on my finger, my daughters will be upset. They don't like it when they see Andy and me being affectionate with each other, and I'm not sure they know how serious we are. When should I tell them? I've been somewhat of a pushover in the past, but I won't budge on this. Andy and I love each other and we will be married. -- FUTURE FIANCEE

DEAR FUTURE FIANCEE: Forewarn your daughters and explain, without blaming or belittling their father, that you are seizing this opportunity for a happy future. If they're not forthcoming, make it clear that just as you treat their friends with respect, you expect the same from them with regard to your future husband. Reassure them that your love for them won't change, and ask for their blessings.

DEAR ABBY: I have begun a weight-loss program after having been seriously overweight for many years. This time I seem to be on the right track because it's working.

When I go to a dinner party, is it OK to take a cooked chicken breast with me and give it to my hostess to serve to me? It would not be putting her out, as I would have already cooked it. I cannot eat ham, roasts or steaks, but I don't want to miss being with my friends.

Please answer ASAP because the holidays are upon us. -- MOTIVATED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MOTIVATED: I admire your determination in negotiating the holiday minefields. You certainly may take your specially prepared food with you, but warn your hostess when you accept the invitation, so she won't be offended. Most guests will respect and admire your efforts to lose weight. And nuts to those who would criticize you!

DEAR ABBY: I went into shock when I read the letter from "Stressed Daughter in Florida." She perfectly described my mother, who insisted on living with me rather than in the apartment next door.

My mother had money and was in excellent health, but couldn't keep a friend. She would eat only certain foods. My life was hell if I went out with friends and didn't include her. Her lies to my friends caused a lot of heartache.

Please tell "Stressed Daughter" to say "NO" and not back down. I've been there and know how it feels. My mother died five months ago after four years with me. I am still recuperating mentally, physically and spiritually. I would not say "yes" again. Thank God, I'm free at last. Hell is gone, heaven has returned. Sign me ... NEVER AGAIN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NEVER AGAIN: I advised "Stressed Daughter" to stand her ground and not back down. If she had any doubts before, seeing your story should convince her.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)