DEAR ABBY: Because many people from all walks of life read your column, it's the best way to make parents aware of something they may unintentionally be doing to their children. Let me explain:

Recently I was standing in a store when I saw a young boy, who appeared to be about 10 years old, with his mother and a young girl. The mother said something to the boy, and he failed to respond correctly. Then she yelled at him, "Are you stupid or dumb or both?" It was evident that the child was embarrassed.

Abby, I know exactly how he felt. When I was young, my mother never missed a chance to tell me how dumb, stupid or unattractive I was. Although she told me often how much she loved me, she undermined my self-esteem with her cruel remarks. I know she doesn't recall making such remarks, but here I am 50 years old and those words are still ringing in my ears. To this day, I am reluctant to attempt anything new or different for fear I will look stupid.

I have been to a fine counselor who has helped me deal with this, and I have a wonderful family of my own now who encourage me and assure me I can succeed at anything I want.

I do not wish ill upon my mother, but I feel very little for her and have no desire to share my life with her.

My point is: Parents should stop and think before saying things to their children that can traumatize them for life. The words may not cause physical harm, but they hurt nevertheless. -- STILL HURTING IN RICHMOND, VA.

DEAR STILL HURTING: You said a mouthful. I recall a little verse from childhood: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Nothing could be further from the truth. Thank you for your sound advice to parents.

DEAR READERS: I'm a longtime fan of Forbes. In the November issue, the magazine features a collection of "Golden Oldies" listing a number of people who had become successful in the autumn of their lives:

"Ray Kroc started the franchising of McDonald's restaurants when he was 52.

"Col. Harlan Sanders started his franchising business, Kentucky Fried Chicken, at 62.

"Frank Lloyd Wright designed Fallingwater (the Edgar Kaufmann house in Bear Run, Pa.) at 69, and the Guggenheim Museum at 76.

"Coco Chanel designed her famous woman's suit after coming back from retirement at age 71.

"Grandma Moses begain painting at 78.

"Emily Post's 'Etiquette' was published when she was 50.

"John Huston directed James Joyce's 'The Dead' at 80.

"Ferdinand Graf von Zeppelin started producing his lighter-than-air crafts at 62.

"And last but not least, let us not forget John Glenn -- officer, astronaut, senator -- who literally went out of this world into space at age 77."

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I have been together for nearly five years. His mother is terminally ill. She needs 24-hour care, seven days a week.

We agreed to move her into our home. I wasn't working at the time. She has been with us since the beginning of the year.

I have decided to get a part-time job, five hours a day, five days a week. I have asked my fiance's sisters to care for their mother while I work. His sisters are in an uproar about it. One of them told me, "If you can't live on the money he's making, then there's something wrong."

Abby, it's not that. I want to be able to buy things without asking him for money all the time. His sisters are able to care for their mother. To top it off, my fiance agrees with his sisters. What would you suggest? -- DISGUSTED WITH MY FUTURE IN-LAWS

DEAR DISGUSTED: Please do not feel you must justify needing some relief from the burden you have so generously shouldered for almost a year: the role of primary caregiver. You have already done more than your share, so don't allow anyone to make you feel guilty.

If your fiance's mother is terminal -- defined as having a life expectancy of six months or less -- you may be able to obtain respite care for her from Hospice. Hospice is a service provided by about 2,000 affiliated Medicare-licensed agencies dedicated to the care of dying people and their families. Hospice doctors, nurses, counselors, aides and volunteers work to ensure that patients live comfortably at home until their death. Professional and skilled caregivers attend to the physical, psychological and spiritual needs of both the patient and the family. For more information about this service, write: The National Hospice Organization, 1901 N. Moore St., Suite 901, Arlington, Va. 22209.

A final thought: You owe no one an explanation for wanting some degree of financial independence, regardless of what your fiance's sisters say. There's many a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip -- and a five-year engagement is no guarantee that there will be a wedding.

DEAR ABBY: If you have more room for the subject of male menopause, may I contribute my 2 cents' worth?

I was married for 20 years to a man who, although kind and generous in most respects, suffered from this syndrome for at least 60 of his recently concluded 87 years.

At 16, he married an older woman, and married the fourth one at almost 70 years of age. Three of these ladies are still living, as his wives were progressively younger. He was single only a matter of days between wives, and cheated on all of them. So, I contend that the age span for male menopause be extended from puberty until death.

At the same time, strange as it may seem, he was very generous to them all and never even slightly abusive. Interestingly, none of them put up a fight against his behavior.

Of the symptoms you list (courtesy of Dr. Blackman), only one really applied to my former husband -- reduced libido. He seemed to need the challenge of the chase to keep functioning. -- WHAM BAM, THANK YOU MA'AM, BILLINGS, MONT.

DEAR WHAM BAM: That's an astute observation. And when the thrill of the chase provides more satisfaction than the ultimate prize, it's time to reorganize one's priorities.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: A few years back, you published a piece about what happens in the first 10 seconds of a car accident. I posted it on my refrigerator but it disappeared (my daughter took it for her friends to read, and that's the last I saw of it). I would like to have another copy because I want my children and their friends to read it before they head out for the evening.

Abby, would you please print it again? -- CRYSTAL ROSETTA, CRISFIELD, MD.

DEAR CRYSTAL: Yes, I will. Although it is very graphic, it is worth reading so that young people (and oldsters, too) will realize how devastating a car accident can be.

BUCKLE YOUR SEAT BELTS

by the Georgia Paramedics Against Drunk Drivers

(submitted by Lucille Groat)

Do you know what happens in the first fatal second after a car going 55 miles per hour hits a solid object?

1. In the first tenth of the second, the front bumper and grill collapse.

2. The second tenth finds the hood crumbling, rising and striking the windshield as the spinning rear wheels lift from the ground. Simultaneously, fenders begin wrapping themselves around the solid object. Although the car's frame has been halted, the rest of the car is still going 55 miles an hour. Instinct causes the driver to stiffen his legs against the crash, and they snap at the knee joint.

3. During the third tenth of the second, the steering wheel starts to disintegrate and the steering column aims for the driver's chest.

4. The fourth tenth of the second finds two feet of the car's front end wrecked, while the rear end still moves at 35 miles per hour. The driver's body is still traveling at 55 miles per hour.

5. In the fifth tenth of the second, the driver is impaled on the steering column and blood rushes into his lungs.

6. The sixth tenth of the second, the impact has built up to the point that the driver's feet are ripped out of tightly laced shoes. The brake pedal breaks off. The car frame buckles in the middle. The driver's head smashes into the windshield as the rear wheels, still spinning, fall back to earth.

7. In the seventh tenth of the second, hinges rip loose, doors fly open and the seats break free, striking the driver from behind.

8. The seat striking the driver does not bother him because he is already dead. The last three-tenths of the second mean nothing to the driver.

P.S. READERS: Although air bags offer some degree of protection, I suggest that you make several copies of this grisly piece, and the next time you ask a passenger to please buckle his or her seat belt and the passenger replies, "Oh, we're less than 10 minutes from where we're going," counter with, "I'm not moving until you buckle your seat belt." Then hand the passenger this piece.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)