DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I have been together for nearly five years. His mother is terminally ill. She needs 24-hour care, seven days a week.

We agreed to move her into our home. I wasn't working at the time. She has been with us since the beginning of the year.

I have decided to get a part-time job, five hours a day, five days a week. I have asked my fiance's sisters to care for their mother while I work. His sisters are in an uproar about it. One of them told me, "If you can't live on the money he's making, then there's something wrong."

Abby, it's not that. I want to be able to buy things without asking him for money all the time. His sisters are able to care for their mother. To top it off, my fiance agrees with his sisters. What would you suggest? -- DISGUSTED WITH MY FUTURE IN-LAWS

DEAR DISGUSTED: Please do not feel you must justify needing some relief from the burden you have so generously shouldered for almost a year: the role of primary caregiver. You have already done more than your share, so don't allow anyone to make you feel guilty.

If your fiance's mother is terminal -- defined as having a life expectancy of six months or less -- you may be able to obtain respite care for her from Hospice. Hospice is a service provided by about 2,000 affiliated Medicare-licensed agencies dedicated to the care of dying people and their families. Hospice doctors, nurses, counselors, aides and volunteers work to ensure that patients live comfortably at home until their death. Professional and skilled caregivers attend to the physical, psychological and spiritual needs of both the patient and the family. For more information about this service, write: The National Hospice Organization, 1901 N. Moore St., Suite 901, Arlington, Va. 22209.

A final thought: You owe no one an explanation for wanting some degree of financial independence, regardless of what your fiance's sisters say. There's many a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip -- and a five-year engagement is no guarantee that there will be a wedding.

DEAR ABBY: If you have more room for the subject of male menopause, may I contribute my 2 cents' worth?

I was married for 20 years to a man who, although kind and generous in most respects, suffered from this syndrome for at least 60 of his recently concluded 87 years.

At 16, he married an older woman, and married the fourth one at almost 70 years of age. Three of these ladies are still living, as his wives were progressively younger. He was single only a matter of days between wives, and cheated on all of them. So, I contend that the age span for male menopause be extended from puberty until death.

At the same time, strange as it may seem, he was very generous to them all and never even slightly abusive. Interestingly, none of them put up a fight against his behavior.

Of the symptoms you list (courtesy of Dr. Blackman), only one really applied to my former husband -- reduced libido. He seemed to need the challenge of the chase to keep functioning. -- WHAM BAM, THANK YOU MA'AM, BILLINGS, MONT.

DEAR WHAM BAM: That's an astute observation. And when the thrill of the chase provides more satisfaction than the ultimate prize, it's time to reorganize one's priorities.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: A few years back, you published a piece about what happens in the first 10 seconds of a car accident. I posted it on my refrigerator but it disappeared (my daughter took it for her friends to read, and that's the last I saw of it). I would like to have another copy because I want my children and their friends to read it before they head out for the evening.

Abby, would you please print it again? -- CRYSTAL ROSETTA, CRISFIELD, MD.

DEAR CRYSTAL: Yes, I will. Although it is very graphic, it is worth reading so that young people (and oldsters, too) will realize how devastating a car accident can be.

BUCKLE YOUR SEAT BELTS

by the Georgia Paramedics Against Drunk Drivers

(submitted by Lucille Groat)

Do you know what happens in the first fatal second after a car going 55 miles per hour hits a solid object?

1. In the first tenth of the second, the front bumper and grill collapse.

2. The second tenth finds the hood crumbling, rising and striking the windshield as the spinning rear wheels lift from the ground. Simultaneously, fenders begin wrapping themselves around the solid object. Although the car's frame has been halted, the rest of the car is still going 55 miles an hour. Instinct causes the driver to stiffen his legs against the crash, and they snap at the knee joint.

3. During the third tenth of the second, the steering wheel starts to disintegrate and the steering column aims for the driver's chest.

4. The fourth tenth of the second finds two feet of the car's front end wrecked, while the rear end still moves at 35 miles per hour. The driver's body is still traveling at 55 miles per hour.

5. In the fifth tenth of the second, the driver is impaled on the steering column and blood rushes into his lungs.

6. The sixth tenth of the second, the impact has built up to the point that the driver's feet are ripped out of tightly laced shoes. The brake pedal breaks off. The car frame buckles in the middle. The driver's head smashes into the windshield as the rear wheels, still spinning, fall back to earth.

7. In the seventh tenth of the second, hinges rip loose, doors fly open and the seats break free, striking the driver from behind.

8. The seat striking the driver does not bother him because he is already dead. The last three-tenths of the second mean nothing to the driver.

P.S. READERS: Although air bags offer some degree of protection, I suggest that you make several copies of this grisly piece, and the next time you ask a passenger to please buckle his or her seat belt and the passenger replies, "Oh, we're less than 10 minutes from where we're going," counter with, "I'm not moving until you buckle your seat belt." Then hand the passenger this piece.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: With the holiday season approaching, I'd like to share with you and your readers a story that was told to me by a lady in the waiting room of a hospital here in Atlanta when my wife was hospitalized. I hope you enjoy it. -- WILLIAM A. PARKER JR., ATLANTA

DEAR WILLIAM: Let me put it this way: Once I started reading it, I couldn't put it down. With a slight twist of fate, the comedy could have turned into a tragedy. Read on:

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

"In December 1966, a lady from northeast Georgia called her sister in Atlanta to ask if it would be safe to come to Atlanta to shop at a major shopping mall. Her sister assured her she would be entirely safe.

"The shopper came to the city, but 'just in case,' she brought her 6-inch .38-caliber revolver with her in her handbag. She arrived safely and shopped all day. Around dusk, she walked into the parking lot, carrying her bags and packages. As she approached her car, she noticed two men sitting in it. She carefully put her bags on the ground, pointed a finger and shouted, 'You men get out of my car!' Nothing happened.

"She again pointed her finger and shouted, 'You men get out of my car.' Nothing happened. She then opened her pocketbook, took out her .38-caliber revolver with the 6-inch barrel, pointed it at the men and shouted, 'You men, I've told you twice to get out of my car. Get out, and I mean RIGHT NOW!' This time the doors flew open and the two men ran like jackrabbits.

"The lady put her pistol in her purse, retrieved her packages, placed them in the back seat of the car, and got behind the wheel. She locked the doors and put her key in the ignition. It would not turn. Suddenly, she realized that she was not in her car.

"She looked around to see if anyone was watching, carefully opened the door and walked to her car, which was parked about four spaces away. Again, she loaded her packages, locked the door and began to leave the parking lot.

"As she was leaving, she noticed several security guards and honked and waved to get their attention. She called out to them, 'I need to tell you nice men about something that happened to me.'

"One of the guards replied, 'Lady, we don't have time to chat. There's a little old lady with a pistol out in the parking lot hijacking cars!'

"She rolled up her window and drove home. Once safely at home, she called her sister and reported what had happened. She ended by saying, '... and I don't want you to worry. I won't shop there ever again!'"

DEAR ABBY: I've been married for 56 years and have received many gifts from my children and grandchildren. My husband died recently, and I am downsizing from my large home to a much smaller house. I must sell or give away many of these gifts we received over the years.

My question: Can I give my children anything I want to? One of my children thinks I should return to each child whatever he or she has given me.

I would prefer to dole out these gifts to whomever I choose, regardless of who gave it to me. Your thoughts, please. -- TEXAS WIDOW

DEAR WIDOW: Remind your child that a gift, once given, belongs to the recipient to do with as she pleases. Then give the items to whomever you wish to have them.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.