DEAR ABBY: My brother "Pete" is married to "June," an opinionated big-mouth who never has a kind word to say to anybody. She frequently berates Pete and other members of our family. This behavior is disturbing to the entire family, especially to our mother.

My other brother, "Seth," was sentenced to prison on drug charges. Our family has suffered a great deal of pain because of Seth, but we have found strength in our unity and have remained supportive of him. June, however, never misses an opportunity to express her hatred for Seth. She's completely insensitive to our feelings. Although she's Pete's wife, I don't consider her a sister-in-law because she does not behave like a member of the family.

I would like to write her off and never have any contact with her again, but I worry that it would upset my mother and Pete, and they don't need any more problems.

Abby, can you please advise me how to deal with June without starting a lifetime family feud? -- HAD IT UP TO HERE

DEAR HAD IT: Yes. Take June aside and tell her that the family needs her support right now, and to knock off her negative remarks about Seth because they are hurtful and not appreciated. If that doesn't put a stop to it -- tune her out or limit your time with her.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Second Love, Pleasant Plains, Ohio," the second wife who described her in-laws displaying pictures on their walls of her husband and his first wife, while relegating pictures of him and her to the albums, struck a chord with me.

My fiancee has a "family pictures wall" with all her family members including her late husband. He was a dashing fellow. She displays his police badges, awards, and his folded casket flag on her mantel. Does this bother me? Not in the least! I am her LIVING companion for the remainder of our lives. That she will be buried with him in the military cemetery is OK by me. I will be buried in the same cemetery, although not beside her. That's also OK by me.

Abby, they met and married in Vietnam when they were both Army nurses. They shared 23 happy years together. With God's blessing, I hope to share as many more with her. She is a jewel without price! -- TED BENDER, SAN ANTONIO

DEAR TED: And you, my friend, are the platinum band to hold such a jewel. Your compassion and understanding are precious indeed.

DEAR ABBY: I am newly married, and I just found out from a friend that my husband's ex-fiancee has a tattoo on her behind with his name. Everyone in this small town knows about it, because he bragged about how "cute" it was.

My friend says the girl has offered to have it removed since he has married someone else, but she can't afford it. My husband paid to have the tattoo put on, and I think he should give her the money to have it removed since he can well afford it.

He reads your column faithfully, so I think he will listen to you better than he would to me. -- NEWLYWED IN DECATUR

DEAR NEWLYWED'S HUSBAND: I agree with your wife. It's time to put the tattoo behind all of you. Since you paid to have it put on your former fiancee's derriere, ante up for the surgery to remove it. That should put an end to it.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My 27-year-old daughter just announced her engagement. Now we are having trouble with our relationship. I am shocked and hurt. She has accused me of trying to plan her wedding.

Abby, I give my opinions and ideas only, and certainly don't "insist" on anything. Is this lack of communication normal? We are usually very close. What gives?

She has instructed me to just get information, and she will "decide" whether to use it or not. That's fine with me.

Although the wedding is nine months away, she insists on a guest list -- NOW! Our church holds more than 500, so what is the rush? No, I never expressed my unhappiness to her.

I thought this was supposed to be fun, but I'm both angry and sad. How do I handle this? Please advise me. -- HURT MOM IN WASHINGTON

DEAR HURT MOM: It appears your daughter is trying to establish her independence right at the time you feel you should be closely bonded. Emotions often flare during "rites of passage," which is why etiquette books are such enduring best-sellers.

Don't take your daughter's sudden determination to do it "her way" too personally. Now is the time to back off a little and wait for her to seek your input. Take it from me, the most unwelcome advice in the world is that which is unasked for.

DEAR ABBY: I am 30 years old, the mother of two small children, attending college full time. My boyfriend is 27 and the father of my second child.

I'm looking for work, but it's hard finding a job that allows me to make my classes and have time for my children. My boyfriend paid the rent and helped me take care of the kids, but he recently left me. He said there were too many problems, and he couldn't take the stress anymore.

Abby, I admit he didn't have it easy with me going to school, taking care of the children, studying and trying to look for work. However, when times were hard for him, I didn't run away. I stayed and tried to help him. I even paid the rent and bought food for him out of the little support money I get for my first child. Now that I need him, he says he "needs his space." He wants us to separate until each of us gets our economic problems and personal issues resolved.

I love him, but I feel like a fool for sticking with him through thick and thin only to be cast aside when he's tired of the problems. Do you think I should keep trying to reconcile, or move on? -- BEFUDDLED DOWN SOUTH

DEAR BEFUDDLED: How much can this man love you if he takes off when you and the children need him? Granted, the circumstances were difficult, but a burden shared is only half as heavy.

I cannot make your decision for you; however, you should carefully consider whether you want a man you can't count on.

P.S. Should you choose to move on, don't hesitate to have child support legally established -- you'll need it.

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Torn in Texas," who was receiving flak from her family because of taking legal means to recover $750 from a sister-in-law who charged calls on "Torn's" cell phone. "Torn's" family said she should just let the money go because the woman is "family."

The next time a family member suggests that the debt be forgiven for "family reasons," "Torn" should say, "I agree that it is a family matter, and the whole family should share in the burden: Your share of the bill is $75."

I'll bet that will shut them up. -- KAREN IN HUNTINGTON BEACH

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Your good advice to "Romantically Rocky," the man who wanted tips on how to be romantic with his wife, reminded me of a definition of love I learned from a woman acquaintance in New York many years ago. A life crisis had driven her to a psychotherapist to whom she complained about being "unloved." The therapist asked her to describe what being loved would be like. After some thought, my friend said that if someone really, really listened to her, THAT would be her idea of being loved.

The therapist concluded that the woman needed additional support, and insisted that her troubled client look into a self-help group. She arrived late at an address in a commercial neighborhood that had seen better days. With some apprehension she climbed a flight of dingy stairs and found her way into a room where a group of shabbily dressed people sat around a beat-up table listening intently as one of the group told his story. She was dumbstruck at observing the very definition of love she had offered her therapist, believing it could not exist. This was the first of many Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in which this woman found the healing power of a love that really, really listened and cared.

For me, this story illustrates that becoming a good listener requires no more than willingness, practice, and the kind of genuine regard for another human being one can find in AA or any Dear Abby reply. And, "Romantically Rocky" may find that one of the most seductive lines in the English language is a heartfelt, "I just love to listen to you talk!" You may use my name. -- GEORGE MARCELLE, LOS ANGELES

DEAR GEORGE: What a thought-provoking letter! I'm sure "Romantically Rocky" and many others will thank you for that astute suggestion. Although many people think romance is what happens between the sheets, I suspect that true romance is mostly what happens between the ears. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I can educate "Romantically Rocky" on how to romance his wife:

A woman loves to have little things done for her, things that say, "I thought about you today." Bring her a CD by her favorite artist for no reason except that you were thinking of her. Tuck a note in her purse saying, "Hi, I love you." Unload the dishwasher and reload it without being asked. Give her a foot massage with lotion while she watches her favorite TV show. Sit behind her on the bed and brush her hair with her favorite hairbrush. Fold the clean laundry and put it away.

Call your beloved at mid-morning and invite her to lunch. Slip a small stuffed animal in her car with a silly note. Bring her the newspaper, coffee and doughnuts when she awakens on a lazy Saturday morning. Give her a big hug when you return from work, and say, "I love you. I'm glad to have you to come home to."

Consider how many relationships would be happier if men would do just one unexpected romantic thing each day.

I'm fortunate to have a very romantic fella as my soulmate. Trust me -- any woman would appreciate these sweet gestures. Sign me ... LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT IN CINCINNATI

DEAR LOVING: Great ideas -- and they work both ways. Guys and gals, the road map is well laid out. Go for it!

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.