DEAR ABBY: My children, from a young age, have been schooled in writing prompt and courteous thank-you letters for gifts or other kindnesses they have received. They understand the importance of this common courtesy.

During lunch today, a friend told me about a thank-you note he had received for a gift he had given. The note was received via his computer's e-mail system.

I chuckled and wondered whether this electronic note "counted" as a thank-you note.

Abby, is a well-thought-out, polite thank-you note sent via e-mail an appropriate and acceptable way of acknowledging a gift? If the giver's e-mail is on the giver's letterhead, does this make a difference?

Please hurry your answer. My son's bar mitzvah is approaching and I think it would be a cute and novel way of responding. -- BEVERLY HILLS M.D.

DEAR M.D.: If someone goes to the trouble and expense of giving your son a bar mitzvah gift, I suggest you resist the "cute and novel" manner of acknowledging it. For a rite of passage such as this, more formality is required. E-mail is terrific, but save it for less formal occasions.

DEAR ABBY: The recent letter from the person wanting to know how to say goodbye to someone who was dying whom they held in great esteem prompts this letter.

Seven years ago, I was blessed and honored to be able to care for my husband at home during his courageous battle with cancer. He was loved and admired by many co-workers, friends, acquaintances and family. Our phone rang constantly with calls from the many people who wanted to wish him well.

Although we appreciated the concern and love being expressed, it was emotionally draining as well as sometimes physically impossible to deal with all the calls. For the first time, we bought an answering machine. It was the kind that broadcasts the message aloud while it is being left. We could monitor the calls, and answer the ones we needed to without having to stop what we were doing.

Though we bought it for our convenience, it turned out to have an additional advantage. Because my husband could no longer talk, it had been difficult for him to interact with visitors. But now he could hear their voices without having to respond or even hold the telephone. One day, as I walked into his room I was touched by the scene that greeted me. He was lying in his bed with tears in his eyes listening to the messages that had been left. He would listen, then play them over and over again.

I was so thankful we bought that machine. It lifted a tremendous burden from us and became a source of comfort and support. I think in many cases, it made leaving heartfelt messages a little easier for the callers, too. Sometimes not being in direct contact makes expressing oneself a bit less awkward. Perhaps this could be a solution to others in the same situation. -- ONE WHO HAS LOVED, OREM, UTAH

DEAR ONE WHO HAS LOVED: Thank you for an excellent suggestion, and for a letter that will touch many hearts today. I'm sorry for your loss. Your husband must have been an outstanding man to have had so many people care about him.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 44-year-old married woman with three children. My husband is a good man in many ways, but has discovered the "joys" of Internet chatrooms. I have caught him talking online in the wee hours of the morning and confronted him about it. It's demeaning to me and my children when he speaks to these "ladies" in a provocative way on the Net. He says it's all in fun.

To make a long story short, I figured out his password and found out that he has been having a pretty steamy "affair" with a young lady out West. I feel betrayed and disgusted. I feel that I've been cheated on. He will say that as long as it isn't physical, it isn't cheating.

I don't know what to do. I love my husband; we've been together for 27 years. Should I confront him with my discovery, or wait it out and hope he gets over his fascination with the forbidden? -- DISGUSTED IN THE MOUNTAINS OF NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR DISGUSTED: Lying to you and carrying on a "steamy" online flirtation is a form of cheating. I don't blame you for feeling betrayed. If the situation were reversed, and your husband discovered you were doing this behind his back, I'm sure he wouldn't be thrilled either. By all means, confront him with what you know. You have every right to demand an end to this dishonesty. Ignoring it won't help. It's time to clear the air.

DEAR ABBY: I have an ongoing problem with my parents and my in-laws. They are in their early 70s, quite healthy and financially sound.

My husband and I have three children, the only grandchildren, in grades 8, 9 and 10. With three children actively involved in sports, we are on the run four to six days per week with school/club activities, music lessons, homework, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and I work outside the home.

We do a tenuous balancing act and time is our most precious commodity. Herein lies the problem:

All four parents have become increasingly hostile toward the reality of our lives, which they insist upon interpreting as, "You have time for everything and everyone but us." We call them at least twice a week, entertain them for all family events and see them often, but they're still dissatisfied. They want us to be available (as a family of five) at least once a week for them to "drop by," for us to "drop by" their homes, plus a sit-down meal with them on Sundays at our home.

Our repeated requests for them to spend time with us by attending one of the children's sporting events have been ignored. I speak for my husband and children when I state that we are at our wit's end with the arguments, hostility, tears and guilt trips. We're tired of apologizing for how we live our lives.

I know they are fans of your column. Any advice, Abby? -- EXASPERATED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR EXASPERATED: The situation you describe is typical of many families caught up in the demands of the modern world. Your parents' reaction is generational, too, because your goals are different. They have too much time on their hands; you don't have enough. It is flattering that they want to spend more time with your family; however, for your own peace of mind, don't take their complaints too seriously.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old lesbian. I consider myself a nice, easygoing person who tries her best to follow the Golden Rule. I have an outgoing personality, and have no trouble making friends and keeping them. However, it seems as though each time a female friend finds out I'm gay, she expects me to come on to her.

Abby, all I ever wanted was a friend with whom I didn't have to be on guard -- a person who would accept me as a true friend. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean all my friendships have to be sexual. I can enjoy having fun, a good conversation, sharing a movie or shopping with someone who's straight.

I am happily in love with my soul mate of a year and a half, and she has encountered the same thing. Am I doing something wrong that friends view me this way? How can I change my personality to maintain friendships without my kindness being mistaken for anything more? -- "D" IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

DEAR "D": I see no reason for you to change your personality. There is a common misconception in the straight world that because people are gay, they must be attracted to ALL people of the same gender. Of course, that's no more true than the idea that all straight people are necessarily attracted to every person of the opposite sex.

When it happens again, keep your sense of humor and show the friend this column.

DEAR ABBY: I don't know what to do about my father. He has recently reunited with his second wife, "Florence," after a three-year separation. During their separation, he would telephone me several times a day and visit our home several times a week. He always complained about Florence and the things she did to him when they were together. I am the only one of his six children in whom he confided.

Abby, now that Dad and Florence are back together, he expects me to forget everything he told me about her and pretend that nothing unpleasant ever happened. He wants us to have a close relationship with her, and he is angry that I don't call or visit them in their home. I have explained that I don't call them because I don't want to speak with his wife.

Abby, I was honest with my dad from the start, but he lied to me for months. He had been seeing Florence for quite some time before they moved back in together.

At the last family get-together, Dad was nice to everyone except my husband and me. He was downright rude to us, and I'm at the point where I don't even want to see him again. My husband feels the same way. Must I force myself to have a relationship with my dad just because he's my father? -- DESPERATE IN ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR DESPERATE: Estrangement often occurs when a third party knows too much about that which a person would rather forget. Although you were a shoulder to cry on and a willing ear into which he could pour his troubles, you now symbolize an unhappy chapter in your father's life.

Don't write him off quite yet. It's very likely that your dad will be back before long with more tales of woe about Florence. Next time, don't let him isolate you by being his only confidant.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)