DEAR ABBY: I have been married 30 years to a man who is in his 60s. He is now retired and has too much time on his hands. When we married, he made it clear he liked his "space," often leaving home without saying goodbye or telling me where he was going.

He said he didn't need to explain his whereabouts, which was very difficult to deal with, but over time and many tears later, I learned to live with it. Later on, he accepted a high-paying job that took him away from our family for long periods. We would see each other on weekends or during school vacations. Over the years I have learned to entertain myself without intruding on his "space" or complaining when he was away for long periods.

Now that he isn't working and I am still working, he doesn't get my attention when he wants it. He says he feels ignored or unloved because I have continued to entertain myself by reading, playing bridge with my women friends, or occasionally working on weekends. My colleagues laugh at me when they hear me call my husband from work to ask if it's OK if I meet a client on the weekend. Sometimes I resent doing it, but it does keep the peace.

Meanwhile, my husband watches every sporting event on television, pouting or sulking when I don't join him.

Abby, I love this man, but now that he is home, he wants me to be constantly available. Is there a solution? -- BORED IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR BORED: For a man who wanted his "space," your husband appears to have become very dependent. It's flattering that he wants you by his side, but you are in danger of being smothered.

Remind him that when he married you, he demanded and was given his "space," and now you need yours. Encourage him to become physically active and to get involved with groups where his talents are needed. I'm sure there are many.

DEAR ABBY: I think you were way off base in your response to the lady who asked whether she should let her mother-in-law read the letter on computer disk that her father-in-law left to his 2 1/2-year-old granddaughter. If the man intended the letter to be read by everybody and his brother, he wouldn't have addressed it to his granddaughter.

In my opinion, this has nothing to do with "bringing peace to a grieving widow," but rather with a domineering woman sticking her nose where it should not be. Just because the letter is on a computer disk doesn't mean it's any less a letter than if it were written on paper and sealed in an envelope. By advocating allowing the mother-in-law to read that letter, you're also advocating denying that little girl her right to a precious gift given to her by her grandfather out of love because he knew he wouldn't be there to watch her grow up.

I'm just curious -- do you also advocate opening and rewrapping children's gifts before they receive them just to make some adult "feel better" about knowing what's in them? Remember that even the youngest members of our society deserve our respect, and one of the aspects of that is to respect their property. -- A READER WHO DISAGREES

DEAR READER: The child's grandmother is not "everybody and his brother," and I do not agree that allowing the grandmother to read the letter would diminish its value to the 2-year-old when she's finally old enough to appreciate it. However, intelligent minds can disagree, and I respect your opinion although it does not coincide with mine.

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DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, both "Colleen in California" and "Giving Grandma" wrote eloquent letters about the rewards of spending time with their grandchildren, helping them connect with positive activities. They and other readers may be encouraged to know that research shows when caring adults become involved with young people in such ways, these youth are far less likely to use illegal drugs or alcohol, skip school or hit someone. They show more confidence in their school performance and are more likely to get along with their families.

Unfortunately, more and more young people share the problems of "Stressed Out," the teen-ager who appealed to you last June because he felt excluded from peer social activities because of his commitment to avoid alcohol. Important studies indicate that the increasing hours today's children and teens spend without adult supervision and structured activity are one of the major risk factors for early substance abuse, sexual experimentation and involvement in crime and violence.

The Department of Health and Human Services is issuing a national call to action to raise awareness about the connection between youth involved in positive, skill-building activities and reduced substance abuse. We want to increase the number of adults participating in fun, positive, challenging, structured activities with youth. "Your Time -- Their Future" is a positive activities campaign that encourages individuals, membership-based organizations and corporate America to make modest investments of time and resources. It promises enormous returns in the health and well-being of today's children and tomorrow's families, communities and businesses.

Please, Abby, ask your readers to find out how they can put positive activities to work in the lives of young people by calling (800) 729-6686, or visiting the campaign's Web site: www.health.org/yourtime. -- NELBA CHAVES, PH.D., ADMINISTRATOR, SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES ADMINISTRATION

DEAR NELBA: I wish you the best of luck in this worthwhile effort. America's youth deserve to have more positive mentoring than a television set or a peer group between 3 and 7 p.m. daily. "Getting involved with kids" does not necessarily mean driving them 20 miles to some sports event. It can be as simple as helping with a stamp collection, nature walks, baking cookies, or doing a homework assignment at the library.

You, my readers, are the most generous people in the world. Now I'm asking you to give again. Please pick up the phone today and volunteer your time. America's children need you. The slogan "Your Time -- Their Future" is a recipe for saving our children. Get involved and assure our young people a safer, brighter tomorrow.

DEAR ABBY: Please help. I've kept a diary for most of my life. I am now 50 years old and I don't know what to do with it.

I had a son who died in a car wreck. He was my only child.

This has become a mental burden and I'm ready to carry the diary to my back yard and burn it. Any suggestions, Abby, before I start the bonfire? -- TEMPTED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TEMPTED: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your son. If there is anything in your diary concerning your friends and relatives that could be hurtful or damaging, I urge you to destroy it. However, if it is just a record of your everyday activities, some family members might treasure it.

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DEAR ABBY: We desperately need your advice. A female co-worker (I'll call her Ethel) has poor hygiene. This is particularly difficult in a bank such as ours, where professional working relationships sometimes involve working in close proximity.

The human resources director has discussed the problem with Ethel. Also, during the annual personnel evaluations, the boss made brief, but firm, comments that she must practice better hygiene. However, her efforts were short-term.

Abby, we cannot fire Ethel. She's a longtime employee with tremendous amounts of knowledge and experience, but it has reached the point that some of our younger staff have threatened to quit if Ethel doesn't clean up to "normal" standards. Is there a solution that won't offend her or make her defensive? -- STAYING DOWNWIND IN IOWA

DEAR DOWNWIND: Regardless of her tremendous knowledge and experience, it's unfair that the rest of the employees must tolerate this. If it's difficult for them to be close to her, it must be equally so for your customers.

Ethel must be told that many complaints have been registered, and the bank is in danger of losing other personnel because she hasn't resolved her problems. She should also be advised that, as valuable as she is, if she doesn't resolve her poor hygiene problem, she will be terminated. Harsh perhaps, but necessary in the best interests of the bank and its staff.

DEAR ABBY: I have been engaged to "Bill" for two years. He's a wonderful man, and I have always gotten along well with his family -- until now.

We allowed his sister (I'll call her Denise) to store a few things in our basement until she moved. A few days ago, Bill and I visited her new apartment, and I was shocked to see on her wall an expensive painting of mine that I had stored in my basement! I refrained from saying anything while we were there, but on the way home I mentioned the painting. Bill said that Denise had owned that painting for years. I didn't force the issue, but when I checked my basement, my painting was missing.

Abby, my grandmother's china was also missing. I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with Bill because of what Denise has done, but the painting is valuable and the china is my only link to my deceased grandmother. I also wonder if the other items I have missed over the months have found their way into her sticky fingers. I can't sleep for thinking about this.

If I don't do something about this, I'll be restless and angry. But if I confront Denise, I may lose Bill. What do I do now, Abby? -- SLEEPLESS IN MISSOURI

DEAR SLEEPLESS: You can't ignore the obvious. Tell Bill about the china and the other items that are also missing. Make an inventory. If possible, gather proof that the missing items are your property -- photographs, testimonials from relatives, etc. Try to enlist your fiance as an ally, and talk to his sister. Her problem may be kleptomania, which is defined as "a persistent neurotic impulse to steal, especially without economic motive." The condition is treatable with psychiatric help. If your fiance won't cooperate, report your losses to the police.

Bill's sister definitely has a problem; however, I'm as troubled by your fiance's failure to back you up as I am the thefts. If you can't count on him, you'd be wise to rethink your engagement before your losses mount any further.

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