DEAR ABBY: You were right on in your response to "Wants to Be a Grandma in L.A."

When we decided to get married, my husband and I agreed that we would have no children. We informed our parents of our decision shortly after we made it. I know they were very disappointed. We firmly believe that having a child should stem from a desire to be parents, not from pressure from prospective grandparents or anyone else. To bring a child into the world for the sake of someone else's happiness or expectations is wrong.

It's possible that "Grandma's" children may not know how to tell her that they just don't want children and are using inability as an excuse. It's one that's been used successfully many times. Grandma should stop being a "yenta," and let her children live their own lives. -- A FAN FOR LIFE

DEAR FAN: Whether or not to have children is a private matter between husband and wife. So is whether to share their decision with others or keep it to themselves. Your families have earned your confidence, but not all families are so understanding regarding a couple's decision to have no children.

Read on for some suggestions that may help couples and prospective grandparents alike:

DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "Wants to Be a Grandma in L.A." She had no grandchildren and wanted to ask her son and his wife when they were going to start a family. My husband and I have three grown children in their 40s, and we also have no grandchildren, so I understand her feelings. I have some suggestions for her:

1. Concentrate on how fortunate you are to have children, and consider how sad your son and daughter-in-law must be to be unable to conceive and carry a pregnancy to term.

2. Learn about infertility. There are many good books on the subject, and if you learn more about the testing, various procedures for aiding conception, the emotional turmoil of infertility and the physical difficulties of conception, you'll come to understand what your son and his wife are experiencing.

3. Do not mention adoption to them. If they really want children, they'll have already considered it.

4. If you want a good relationship with your son and daughter-in-law, never discuss wanting grandchildren unless they bring it up and ask your opinion.

5. Stop dwelling on yourself and your fantasies. Find something useful to do that involves children. Many schools are crying out for volunteers to help a few hours a week.

6. If you and your husband are so desperate to have youngsters in your life, why don't YOU consider adopting? -- MARGARET IN ROSEVILLE, MINN.

DEAR MARGARET: You have offered valuable advice and I'm printing all of it. Infertility causes devastating emotional pain for the couples involved, and questions and comments, although well meaning, only add to the pain. If the mother-in-law pursues the subject, she will alienate herself from her son and his wife.

CONFIDENTIAL TO ECOLOGY-MINDED FASHION DESIGNER: In light of the following, perhaps you should reconsider your Earth-friendly designs:

There was a young girl from St. Paul

Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.

But the dress caught fire

And burned her entire

Front page -- sporting section -- and all.

(Bennett Cerf)

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Almost a year ago, you published a reader's letter that dramatically spoke to the issues that face battered women: "How do I protect my children and myself while I live with my abuser?" The reader signed herself "Living a Nightmare," and her story, though heart-wrenching, was not unlike thousands of other women's in our nation.

You provided a great service to her, not only with your answer that began, "There is always hope," but also by addressing her need to protect herself. You then offered her, and thousands of others who live in a similar situation, a resource, our booklet, "Striving to Be ... Violence Free: How to Create a Safety Plan."

Because of that letter, Perspectives received more than 10,000 requests from as far away as Guam, the far corners of Canada and even Puerto Rico. We also received hundreds of heartwarming letters from women and men who were living with abuse (or knew someone who was) and were grateful for the help. Amazingly, Abby, we never received one complaint.

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month. I can't think of a more appropriate time to acknowledge your contribution in assisting women, men and children in their desire to live a violence-free life.

You should take pride in the fact that you were one of the first to recognize that family violence is a societal problem -- one you were not afraid to address no matter how much heat you took in exposing it. For decades you have been the voice for victims who were too afraid to speak for themselves. And you have become the conscience for communities who looked the other way by saying, "It's a family problem."

You are to be commended for your compassion, advocacy and understanding of this very complicated issue. On behalf of the thousands of women and men who received our booklet, and those who struggle with the horror of domestic violence, I thank you. -- JEANNIE SEELEY-SMITH, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, PERSPECTIVES INC., ST. LOUIS PARK, MINN.

DEAR JEANNIE: Thank you for your touching letter, and for the thrilling news that your booklet was helpful to so many people. The causes for violence are complex, and escaping from a batterer requires careful planning and preparation.

Readers who want a copy of "Striving to Be ... Violence Free" can order it by sending $4 to: Perspectives Inc. (Attn.: Guidebook), 3301 Gorham Ave., St. Louis Park, Minn. 55426. Include your name and address clearly printed on an address label or sheet of paper. Allow two weeks for delivery.

In order to avoid a confrontation with the abuser, the booklet can be sent to the home of a friend or relative. Again, I emphasize how important it is for the victim to have a well-thought-out escape plan before attempting to leave a batterer. Readers, if you know someone who could benefit from this booklet, be a friend and order it for him or her.

DEAR ABBY: There is an old German proverb: "Who speaks ill of others to you will speak ill of you to others." Do you think this is still true? -- BEKKIE IN BENTON HALL

DEAR BEKKIE: Ja. Absolutely!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: All of us at the Westside Center for Independent Living thank you for not only making the impossible happen for us, but also for making our everyday wishes come true.

Who would have thought nine years ago that WCIL would have orders from all over the country for our "Please Call Police" banners? Thank you on behalf of each individual whose quality of life was improved because of the orders and donations we received from your readers. The funds generated by the banner project have translated into some vital services and wonderful stories. Here are just a few from last year:

-- Exhausted from the constant caring for his wife who has Alzheimer's disease, Charles H. sought help from WCIL's "Linkages" program. We helped him locate and pay for a personal assistant, so he now has some respite from his wife's care.

-- Erika didn't want her disability to keep her from being self-sufficient and supporting her son. She completed WCIL's computer training program and now works full-time at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center.

-- Juan G.'s motorized wheelchair broke down just two weeks after he had become employed. WCIL helped him obtain $500 in emergency funding so he could quickly return to work.

-- Anita V. has multiple disabilities and is dependent on disability benefits to survive. When she was threatened with the loss of this funding, WCIL helped her get through the bureaucratic maze and resolve her problem.

-- Steve S. was struggling with chronic pain due to multiple surgeries and degenerative diseases. After receiving peer counseling and training in independent living skills at WCIL, Steve said, "I feel like I've been given back my life."

-- Loraine B. came to WCIL seeking counseling to learn to live with her disability, and also received help in learning how to resolve some problems she was having with her housing providers.

Thank you, Abby, for once again publicizing our "Please Call Police" banner project. I'm sure it will bring many more such stories, and once again, WCIL's mission is to ensure happy endings for all of them. -- MARY ANN JONES, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, WCIL, LOS ANGELES

DEAR MARY ANN: Congratulations for the terrific job you are doing to assist people with disabilities. With the holiday season fast approaching, I'm pleased to remind readers that the "Please Call Police" banners make wonderful stocking-stuffers. They can literally be lifesavers in a roadside emergency. Having them in the glove compartment brings incalculable peace of mind not only to senior citizens, but also to parents of teen-age drivers.

To order, write WCIL-Banners, P.O. Box 92501, Los Angeles, Calif. 90009. You will receive one "Please Call Police" banner as a premium for a $5 contribution to WCIL, and another banner with each additional $4 contribution. (Please send an additional $1 per order for postage and handling.) Many people order two, one for the windshield and one for the rear window -- so the message is visible to cars going both directions.

Checks or money orders (U.S. funds only, please) should be made payable to WCIL-Banners. Allow eight weeks for delivery.

The Westside Center for Independent Living is a not-for-profit organization that helps people with disabilities to live independently.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)