DEAR ABBY: I recently received two invitations that rubbed me the wrong way. Perhaps, in spite of my young age (26), I'm old-fashioned, but I think they were tacky.

The first was from a coworker who is getting married. The invitation was for a paper shower. I assumed that meant the guests should bring paper for games or other activities. Just to be sure, I called the bride-to-be to find out exactly what to bring. Boy, was I shocked! She told me she wanted only money or gift certificates. I was so put off I didn't attend or send a gift.

The other invitation was to a baby shower for a friend of a friend whom I barely know. I'm a fun-loving person and planned to attend until I read the invitation carefully. The shower was being held at an expensive restaurant, and the invitation said, "No host lunch." Abby, I got the impression that I was to bring a gift, pay for my own lunch, then leave. I didn't attend that shower either; however, I did send a gift for which I never received a thank-you or acknowledgment.

I have been the honoree of both a bridal and baby shower. The bridal shower was traditional with food, cake, games and close friends with whom I enjoy spending time. The baby shower was a luncheon, but my hostesses and I picked up the tab. I hope my guests never felt as pressured or insulted as I did when I received the invitations I have described.

Abby, am I overreacting to this, or is it proper for the '90s? -- NOT ATTENDING MANY SHOWERS IN TENNESSEE

DEAR NOT ATTENDING: You are not overreacting. I don't blame you for refusing the invitations. Let your silence speak for you.

DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter about the boy who was causing his neighbor a lot of trouble. Many years ago, I had the same problem. I was at my wit's end and decided, as a last resort, to try to make the boy my friend.

I went out of my way to be kind to him and, on occasion, even asked his advice. The problems quickly came to an end. Surely the neighbor, when gardening, could offer a bouquet of flowers to take to his mother. Wouldn't it be worth the effort to offer friendliness to help a troubled boy? -- A CONCERNED CANADIAN

DEAR CONCERNED CANADIAN: Yes, it would. Leave it to my readers to remind me that compassion is alive and well, and perhaps all that is necessary to turn this youngster around.

Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Worried Neighbor" was bothered by a boy on her block who throws rocks, etc., but his mother never listens when neighbors complain. Now he comes and stands in front of her house and is always "starting something" with her. Although there was nothing wrong with your advice that she speak to local police or a juvenile investigator or counselor, you might also have pointed out that the mother probably never listens to the boy either, and he may be constantly "bothering" her because he is looking for adult attention. Perhaps if she responded warmly to him, difficult though that may be, there might be a more positive outcome for everyone. -- JUST A THOUGHT IN ARIZONA

DEAR JUST A THOUGHT: No need to point it out; you and many other kind-hearted people did it for me. Thanks to all of you for a refreshing perspective.

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DEAR ABBY: My mother recently passed away. She had led a long, happy life and was greatly loved.

Years ago, both my parents had the foresight to preplan and prepay all of their funeral arrangements. All Dad and the family had to do for Mother's service was order the flowers; then we were able to welcome and share condolences with more than 500 guests. It made her funeral a beautiful time of reuniting old friends and family.

Our freedom to share great memories was exactly what Mom and Dad had planned. The arrangements were impressive. Their gift of preplanning and prepaying is something we all should consider doing for our loved ones. -- A LOVING, GRATEFUL DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: Please accept my condolences on the death of your beloved mother.

Although it's difficult to contemplate death, facing the fact that no one lives forever and planning ahead can prevent a world of confusion for grieving relatives at a time when they are most vulnerable.

As your letter illustrates, your parents' preplanning was wise, thoughtful, and a godsend during your time of grief.

DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from the gentleman in Redwood City, warning women to be more careful with their purses while shopping.

While rolling my shopping cart along in my favorite supermarket with my purse resting in the child's seat, I was shocked to see a man's arm reach around from behind me and grab it. I whirled around to see my son grinning at me. He handed me my purse, gave me a big hug and said, "Let that be a lesson to you, Mom!"

Since then, I always loop the strap of my handbag over my arm, rest it in front of me on the child's seat, and never let go of the shopping cart. -- B.J. IN ARKANSAS

DEAR B.J.: That's good advice. Here's another one you might find interesting:

DEAR ABBY: I go shopping with my wife quite often, and when she puts her purse in the shopping cart we use the child safety belt to run through the handles of the purse. The little extra time it takes to put the belt through the handles is nothing, and the belt acts as a deterrent to purse snatching. I hope this bit of information will be helpful. -- ROY A. MCMULLEN, OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR ROY: Although not all shopping carts are equipped with child safety belts, many are. Thank you for a good suggestion.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding your discussion with "Interested Bystander" about the age a youngster is old enough to go to a public rest room alone, may I share a humorous incident on that subject?

When I was a college student, I worked as a weekend salesman in the boys' department of a local department store.

One day, a woman approached me with a little boy about 4 years old in tow. She asked, "Do you have a rest room someplace? My boy has to go."

"Yes, we do," I replied. "There's a men's room on this floor, but if you want to go with him, there's a ladies' room on the floor below."

"Oh, no thank you," she said. "I went before I left the house." -- GIL RICH, LOS ANGELES

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DEAR ABBY: On Sept. 8, one of the dearest men I have ever known was killed in a tragic accident. A woman trying to pick up her ringing cell phone crossed the median of the interstate and hit him head-on.

Not a day has passed that I haven't thought of the joy this man brought to my life, or how quickly that joy turned to sadness. He was not my husband, my father or even a family member. He was my boss.

Stephen T. McGill was a brilliant attorney who always tried to create a win-win situation for everyone. I can't begin to tell you how impossible he is to replace. He treated me with respect, and his praise gave me a newfound confidence in myself. His kindness, compassion and generosity taught me what it really means to have class. He never gave me orders or treated me as a subordinate. He referred to me as his "partner" and we worked side-by-side for two wonderful years.

If something is to be gained from the loss of this great man, I hope two lessons will be learned. First, treating others with respect is the only way to be respected by others. Second, everything we do has the potential to affect those around us. If our behavior isn't governed by the effect it has on those around us, "sorry" may not be enough to repair the damage.

We are short one hero in Nebraska. -- CAROL RUSHING, OMAHA

DEAR CAROL: You have written a heartfelt eulogy for a most remarkable man. Indeed, there are lessons to be learned from his sterling example. I have another thought: Perhaps it's time to amend the traffic laws to require drivers to pull over if they're going to use a cell phone.

DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "Want My Privacy in Phoenix," the woman who didn't want her picture taken at family gatherings. My sister was one of those who hated having her picture taken. She said she didn't photograph well. She died suddenly in a car accident nearly 11 years ago. In the scramble to put together a memorial service, the only recent picture of her we could find was a 2-year-old Polaroid. Now, all these years later, all I have of my sister is a scant handful of photos, most of them taken before she turned 20.

I am the photo historian in my family. I also teach people how to preserve their photos in safe scrapbooks. Many of my customers also hate to have their pictures taken. I used to feel the same way. I am a plus-size woman who doesn't look in a lot of mirrors. When I saw an occasional photo of myself, it was always a shock. Did I really look like that? I guess I figured if no one took the pictures, I would "look" better.

One day I realized that I may see myself only occasionally, but my family and friends see me looking like this every day, and they love me anyway. I now make sure that at least one photo is taken of me at every family gathering.

"Want My Privacy" may have more of a vanity problem than a privacy issue. I hope she will stop depriving her family and friends the privilege of remembering her in a realistic way after she is gone. All I have left of my sister are memories. -- PHOTOBUG FROM CONNECTICUT

DEAR PHOTOBUG: I hope "Want My Privacy in Phoenix" sees your letter. Photos of friends and family are precious. They can provide hours of pleasure, as well as moments of quiet reflection. Put your ego aside, step in front of the camera, and keep your pictures current. If nothing else, an annual informal family portrait will be a valuable pictorial history.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)