DEAR ABBY: I have never written for advice before, but this really bugs me: A friend and neighbor of ours borrowed a very expensive gardening tool and broke a part on it.

My husband, "Walter," and I have always believed that when you break something you have borrowed, you repair it, get it repaired or replace it. Our neighbor brought the tool back and told Walter what had happened, but made no offer to pay for the repairs. So far, Walter has spent more than an hour on the phone trying to get information on repairs and parts. He'll have to travel at least an hour (there and back) to purchase the parts, and has been told they will cost at least $40.

When Walter approached our neighbor about the problem, the guy responded, "I don't have a problem!" Then he reluctantly offered to pay half the cost.

Walter is afraid that if he presses the issue, he'll lose this friend. Abby, I'm married to a nice guy, but I think he's being played for a sucker. I told Walter that if it were my tool, I'd have it repaired, forget about getting reimbursed, and never loan anything to this neighbor again.

We've been married almost 50 years and never had a problem like this before. All our friends have been real friends. I contend this neighbor is no friend, only a user. However, he is a neighbor, so that complicates the matter.

Is there a solution I'm overlooking here? -- MRS. NICE GUY

DEAR MRS. NICE GUY: No. Your gut reaction is right on target.

DEAR ABBY: My father was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness and given less than six months to live. With my wife's blessings, I am staying at my parents' home on weekdays to assist as much as possible with his care. I do this following a 12-hour night shift, so the time I can devote to actually talking with my father and doing everything he needs done is limited. Much of my time is taken up with bathing him, helping him into his wheelchair and tending to his personal needs -- and of course, I must sleep a little.

My eldest stepson asked to visit my father, and I told him that I prefer no visitors at this time (my father sleeps most of the time). Dad will not see anyone unless he's dressed and in his wheelchair, because he doesn't want anyone to feel sorry for him. It is time-consuming to prepare him for visitors.

My wife is upset with me for not allowing my stepson to visit. If the boy were close to my father, it would be different, but he hasn't seen Dad more than six times in the last four years.

Abby, am I being unreasonable in making sure my father gets everything he wants? -- DUTIFUL SON IN NEVADA

DEAR DUTIFUL SON: Dutiful is the right word to describe you, a son who is making every effort to make his father's last days as pleasant as possible. However, YOU made the decision there would be no visitors, and your father is the one who should decide that. Even though it creates more work for you, your stepson should be allowed to visit your father unless your dad doesn't want to see the boy. A short visit can provide a psychological lift for those who are ill. Also, your stepson may need to make amends or say goodbye before your father passes away. Unfortunately, there is very little time for him to do so.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old student in my last year of high school, desperately trying to find my calling in life.

I love writing, and I am proud to say that my English grades have been high. I enjoy anything that has to do with writing, from making my own greeting cards and calendars to writing stories and letters.

Abby, I want to go to a university, but I'm not sure what field I should pursue, because many people tell me that there aren't many jobs available in the language field.

I read your column every day and admire your work. I was hoping that you could give me some sound advice. -- UNSURE SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL

DEAR UNSURE: There is no need to make up your mind about your career field at this time. Go to college and take classes that will get the basics out of the way, and also a few in creative writing and journalism. You can also be tested in the student counselor's office to determine in which field you are likely to be fulfilled and successful.

Many people choose majors in the first or second years of college, but many also change those majors as they mature and discover they have other interests. Please don't feel that you must make a career choice before you have explored several options.

DEAR ABBY: You recently ran a letter from "Widow X" that contained some valuable advice to the elderly who had to move in with their adult children upon the death of a spouse. May I please add to her wonderful list of self-cautionary words?

-- Don't assume that you're included in every social event or invitation your child and in-law receive. When you are included, accept cheerfully if you wish to attend. However, if the invitation does not specifically include you, don't pout and complain.

-- If your child and spouse plan a vacation, don't whine if you're not included. Remember when you and your own spouse were able to take vacations; recall how nice it was to get away alone. Give them the same opportunity.

-- Nurture grandchildren, but don't interfere in their discipline. Do not create discord between children and parents. If you have a valuable insight to offer regarding child-rearing, share it during a private moment with your adult child.

-- Under no circumstances should you pry into drawers, bills, personal papers, mail, etc. Refrain from asking the price of a purchase, i.e., new home, vehicle, furniture or appliance. If they want you to know, they'll tell you.

-- Remember, they have offered you a place to live. Although it is now your home, too, respect the fact they are the head of this household. You had your turn in that position. Now let them enjoy theirs! -- MARY HELEN SALAZAR, LA PUENTE, CALIF.

DEAR MARY HELEN: Your addition to the rules from "Widow X" make sense. However, all members of multigenerational households should remember that such living arrangements often involve an enormous adjustment for everyone concerned. Giving up one's independence is often as difficult for the senior as losing privacy is for the sandwich generation.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: When I married "John," his wife -- I'll call her Donna -- had been dead for seven years. She died at a young age from cancer. Before our marriage, I knew that he had several family pictures hanging on the walls. After our marriage, when I moved into his home, they remained.

I must admit, at first I felt a tiny bit of resentment that she was still "hanging around." However, after carefully thinking it through, I concluded that it was better that the pictures remain where they were. I realized that his grown children would appreciate the fact that I wasn't getting rid of everything of their mother's. I also realized that I would probably feel the same had my mother passed away and my father remarried.

I know John loves me, and we have a wonderful marriage. I also know that I'll never replace Donna. He loved her for many years, and I will always be second-best. John will be buried next to Donna when he dies. His children display many family pictures in their homes, as do his parents. Sometimes I feel a little sad, because when John sees these pictures everywhere, they bring back memories of him and Donna.

I would love it if John's parents would display our wedding picture on their wall, but they don't. Our pictures are in the photograph album, while pictures of John and Donna are on display. My in-laws loved Donna, as did everyone who knew her, but they also love me and we get along great. They are elderly now, and I wouldn't feel right asking them to remove Donna's pictures from their walls.

Although John and I haven't had years and years together and we're beyond having children of our own, I know I have a special place in his heart.

Donna is gone, but her memory is here to stay, as are her pictures. Sometimes when I look at her picture, I feel that she's smiling at me and saying, "Thanks for taking care of John -- he needed you!" Sign me ... SECOND LOVE, PLEASANT PLAIN, OHIO

DEAR SECOND LOVE: You have written a loving, compassionate letter, filled with beautiful sentiments. It's a celebration of the fact that life goes on.

Please try to banish the thought that you are "second-best." Although John had a long and happy marriage with Donna, Donna is gone and now he loves you. In this stage of his life, you are not second-best; you are first.

DEAR ABBY: My 79-year-old father visits our home and loves to work on projects like trimming bushes and repairing things. He gets very sweaty and takes frequent breaks by coming into the house and sitting in his favorite chair -- my cherished fabric-covered recliner. After his visits, my chair smells of sweat. I have had it cleaned twice, and now we are expecting him again.

I would like to put a large towel on the chair before he arrives, but my husband says Dad will be offended. Would this be rude? I doubt that my chair can take many more cleanings. -- LOOKING FOR A TACTFUL WAY

DEAR LOOKING: Purchase an inexpensive, washable throw or slipcover for your recliner. Your cherished chair will be protected and Dad will be none the wiser.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)