DEAR ABBY: Last winter, my sister and brother-in-law informed me they were coming for a 17-day visit. I live in a small cottage with a roommate, whom they have never met. My brother-in-law made reservations at a nearby condominium, which my sister promptly cancelled because it was more than she wanted to spend. (She has always stayed with me for free.)

I didn't ask if they could afford this vacation, and I told them I could help by building an extra room on the cottage for $600, which would save them $1,100. They sent the $600 and construction started. My roommate's brothers worked day and night to finish it in one week. I had just gotten home from major surgery on another island, and it couldn't have been more inconvenient for me to have company. However, I suffered in silence.

From the minute she arrived, my sister acted like I owed her something. Her demeanor embarrassed me and her holier-than-thou attitude was inappropriate. I had to work most of the time they were here because I was financially strapped from losing work due to my illness. They had access to my cottage on the beach, TV, stereo, new bed, telephone, etc., but nothing seemed to please her.

Before she left I told her to stop telling me what to do, which she denied doing and got her husband involved in our discussion. She has burned all her bridges with our family and I was her last relative to abuse. Should I have not taken the money for an addition to the cottage and let them fend for themselves when they got here, or just told them I was not in a position for company? -- USED-UP BROTHER IN HAWAII

DEAR USED-UP BROTHER: Yes and yes. Your sister now feels she "owns" a room in your cottage.

If I were you, I'd return the $600, roll up the welcome mat and change my phone number.

DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from the church elder who was concerned with an overweight member who bent the church's folding chairs when sitting on them, causing costly replacements.

This issue has bothered me as well, because I am also overweight. The new trend in building churches seems to be to use folding chairs in the sanctuary instead of pews. Abby, folding chairs are very uncomfortable for overweight people.

Three new churches in our area all use folding chairs because they can be removed to reconfigure the sanctuary into a fellowship hall where tables can be set up. The kitchens are built next to the sanctuary, making it inconvenient for weddings and funerals because after a service, parishioners have to wait for the chairs to be removed, tables set up, chairs placed at the tables and the food transported.

I, for one, will not attend a church anymore where they use folding chairs in the sanctuary. It's very uncomfortable and is difficult to rise from these small chairs.

Your column seems to be the best way to spread the word: Elders, PLEASE go back to using those comfortable benches or pews.

Abby, thank you for allowing me to air this gripe. -- HATES FOLDING CHAIRS, HELENA, MONT.

DEAR HATES FOLDING CHAIRS: I'm sure your problem is shared by many. However, since the folding chairs are bought and paid for, it may take a miracle to turn back the hands of time.

Discuss this problem with your pastor to determine if you can arrive at a compromise. Surely there are funds available for solid, comfortable chairs for large-sized churchgoers. They would pay for themselves in savings in the long run.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Doreen," and daughter-in-law, "Melanie," don't get along. They used to be good friends and went everywhere together. But from the day Doreen learned that her brother was going to marry Melanie, she did a total reversal. My husband and I can't figure out what went wrong. It is very difficult to have a family function now. Doreen comes in and completely ignores both her brother and his wife.

I finally confronted Doreen and asked her to explain. She told me it appears that we care more for Melanie than we do for her. I told her we try to treat everyone in the family the same, but I think Doreen is jealous of Melanie.

Abby, Melanie has always been nice to my husband and to me, and I'm happy our son married her.

The whole family was at my son's house this past weekend for an anniversary dinner he and Melanie gave for us. It just happened to be Melanie's birthday. Neither of my daughters mentioned it or wished her a happy birthday. They had to have known. Although Doreen talked to our son, both of my daughters ignored Melanie.

I'm at my wit's end. I'm at the point of giving up family gatherings. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. -- DISTRAUGHT IN MISSOURI

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: Doreen told you what's bothering her: She views Melanie as a rival who stole her parents' affection.

I suggest you have a talk with Doreen, and this time, instead of telling her that you try to treat everyone equally, reassure her that as your child she is irreplaceable in your heart. Assure her that, as grateful as you are to Melanie for making your son happy, your feelings for her are not the same as a mother has for a daughter.

Remember: Even though Doreen is behaving childishly, you are all adults. In the final analysis, it's up to Doreen to sort out her feelings and patch up the rift she has created.

DEAR ABBY: "Broke in San Francisco" does not necessarily have to level with his girlfriend about his economic situation. I dated a man in the same boat. He solved the problem by using a little imagination.

He took me on romantic picnics and read poetry aloud to me. We went to the beach at sunset and strolled through the surf hand in hand. He took me to art shows, museums, the zoo. He brought me handpicked field flowers artfully arranged in wine bottles and left sweet notes on my windshield. I could go on, but you get the idea.

It eventually dawned on me that he didn't have a lot of money to spend, but I couldn't have cared less. I felt pampered, spoiled and loved. What was this man doing with all the money he saved? He was paying off the mortgage on his home so I would always have a place to live after we were married. -- LUCKY IN INVERNESS

DEAR LUCKY: What a fine tribute to a special man. You were not only lucky, you were wise to hang on to him. Not everyone is as fortunate as you:

DEAR ABBY: I have a solution for "Broke in San Francisco," who cannot afford to wine-and-dine his girlfriend as before. Marry her; then you'll no longer have to take her out. That's what my ex-husband did. -- DISAPPOINTED IN SAN DIEGO

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, a tragedy occurred in my life. I was engaged to be married to a man I had loved since the day I met him.

It was six weeks before the wedding, and my dress had finally arrived. I was so excited. I eagerly rushed two hours to my parents' home to have it fitted. It was Mother's Day weekend, so I spent the weekend with my mother. When I returned home, I found a letter from my fiance stating that he was gone and would not be back. He said he loved me and would give anything if he thought our relationship could work, but he was certain it wouldn't.

That was all I got. I never heard from him again. He moved out of state, and no one -- including his parents, who had told me they loved me -- would have anything to do with me, or give me any clue as to why he left the way he did. They wouldn't even return my calls.

I love him with all my heart and would still marry him today. I'm trying to go on with my life, but I'm having trouble dating and wonder if I'll ever be able to love again. Will the way I feel about him ever change? Am I crazy? I've tried to explain to my family that I knew someone totally different than they did. They see only this horrible man who broke their loved one's heart. Don't you think he at least owes me an explanation of why he chose to leave the way he did? -- TORMENTED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TORMENTED: Absolutely. But if you haven't received one by now, you're not likely to get one. By not facing you, your fiance took the coward's way out. For his parents to not return your phone calls was brutal. (I wonder if he's in the witness protection program?)

You're not crazy, but I suspect you're still shell-shocked from the way the engagement was broken. You will have some issues to resolve having to do with trust, but I have no doubt that you will be able to love again. For the present, some professional counseling could help you talk out your understandable pain and disappointment.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Ronald," and I decided to start dating a month ago. He recently told me that he loves me, and I think I love him, too.

My problem is, about a year ago, I got out of a three-year marriage that went totally wrong. We married very young: I was 17, he was 23. During my divorce, I began to wonder what "love" really is. I thought I knew and that's why I got married. Now I'm just not sure.

Ronald is a really great guy. I respect him and I know he respects me because of the friendship that we have. Please help me define love, as this is important. -- KELLY, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR KELLY: Love means liking a person as well as loving him or her. If the most important part of your relationship is physical, and you don't seem to have much to talk about -- face it, it's just a physical attraction. Love is giving, not taking. It wants the best for the one you love. Love makes you want to charge out into the world and DO as well as THINK big. It makes you want to share your thoughts and dreams -- it's honest and open. Love doesn't arrive in an instant. It takes time to grow and flower, and when the storms of life blow in, it doesn't wither.

Make no more hasty decisions. Continue to date Ronald, and in six months, compare your feelings to my definition of love. If they measure up, you will know it's love.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)