DEAR ABBY: I've had the same problem as "Genuinely Concerned," whose children received too many gifts from her in-laws. Your advice was right on target.

However, I'd like to add the following: First, her parents should never stop giving gifts because they "cannot compete." Gift giving is not a competition; it is an expression of love. My parents give gifts they can afford, not ones that compete with the other grandparents. I've taught my children that a $1 gift is just as important as a $100 gift.

Second, suggest alternatives to the excessive clothes and toys. Purchasing a bond or opening a mutual fund for the children will be far more appreciated in the future than a game or toy that has long since been discarded.

Although I consistently (but politely) encouraged this type of gift for my children, my in-laws persisted with an excess of "stuff" for years. After about eight years of friction over gifts, my husband and I asked my in-laws to watch the children one weekend. I do not know the details of what happened, but upon our return, my mother-in-law announced that the children had too many clothes and toys, and from now on, she was sending them bonds for their future.

Each of our four children now has an adequate number of toys and sufficient clothing, but more important, they also have their college educations almost completely paid for, thanks to grandparents who finally saw the light. -- HARMONY IN FLORIDA

DEAR HARMONY: One can only guess what happened that weekend, but whatever it was, everyone ended up a winner.

I also heard from many families who have creative gift-giving policies. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I want to reply to the letter from "Genuinely Concerned." Instead of trying to compete with the number of gifts my children received from my in-laws, my mother (who is alone and living on a fixed income) gives them something no one else can -- her time and love.

My children have received gifts from her such as sleep-overs at Grandma's that included selecting their own movie and dinner. She has taught them to sew, knit and bake. She even made them a dollhouse, and they have spent hours with her making miniature furniture and clothes for their dolls. She loves her grandchildren and knows them well because of the one-on-one time she spends with them.

I sincerely hope "Genuinely Concerned"'s parents can find a way to connect with their grandchildren. It is not about money. -- COLLEEN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR COLLEEN: Well said!

DEAR ABBY: For 20 years or more, I have given my grandchildren and great-grandchildren lessons -- swimming, dance, music, karate -- as gifts. I always check with the parents for their approval first.

I start with basic, beginning lessons at age 3 or 4 and continue if the child is interested. They end up with a lifetime skill, not a room full of stuff. -- GIVING GRANDMA

DEAR GIVING GRANDMA: That's terrific. Talents that are nourished in childhood can bring years of pleasure in years to come.

In addition, other readers suggested treating the grandchildren to breakfast, long walks, lunch in the park, trips to the library or zoo, gardening, or simply reading and/or singing with them. Any of these activities will increase closeness in the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing this letter for my sister, "Janis," who is beside herself with anger. She recently had a christening party for her newborn twins and was surprised and hurt that our other sister, "Lois," and her husband did not bring a gift or card for the occasion. They gave some lame excuse about just getting back from a vacation and not having time to stop by a store to pick up a gift.

The twins' mother is thinking about confronting Lois, and I'm afraid of the consequences. Is a gift always necessary? What is the best way to handle this? -- PEACEMAKER IN BLOOMFIELD

DEAR PEACEMAKER: Tell your sister to hold her horses. Your other sister and her husband may have had a valid reason for failing to bring a gift to the christening and they may come up with one yet. It's traditional to present a gift at a christening, but if it's forced, it's not a gift. Better to let it go than alienate family members. No gift is worth losing a sister.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to the woman who wanted to write her life story for her children and include the disclosure of an extramarital affair was right on the money. You told her to keep her story to herself.

I know from being the recipient of such news earlier this year how right you are. If the woman thinks her children are unaware of the affair she had, she's wrong! I suspected my father was having an affair, and even met the woman who was his mistress (although she wasn't introduced to me as that). Even with my suspicions, having the news confirmed was devastating.

I hope the woman has enough sense to follow your advice. If she loves her children, she shouldn't hurt them in this way. Although I have forgiven my father, I doubt I will ever forget this. -- DEVASTATED BUT SURVIVING IN TORONTO

DEAR DEVASTATED: I appreciate your support of my view. Truth is admirable, but when it comes to a cruel truth that can hurt others, I vote for silence.

DEAR ABBY: I recently read that you were once a volunteer with the Gray Ladies. When I was 3 years old, I was admitted to the hospital to have my tonsils removed.

The next day, the ward was quarantined for diphtheria and I spent 29 days away from my family. My memories of that time consist entirely of the love given me, a frightened and lonely child, by the Gray Ladies. I want to thank you all for the kindness shown to me and thousands of others. -- MICHELLE PHILLIPS, LOS ANGELES

DEAR MICHELLE: Your letter brought back many fond memories of my days as a volunteer at Luther Hospital in Eau Claire, Wis. I don't recall anything as dramatic as a stranded child, but I am proud to have been a part of such a fine group of women.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I will be attending a Catholic church soon for a special event.

As Protestants, is it necessary for us to kneel when everybody else does? -- WONDERING IN MINNESOTA

DEAR WONDERING: No.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Please answer as soon as possible, as I am in deep trouble. My husband and I went on a gambling excursion. We had an agreement that if either of us won more than $100, we would divide the amount with each other.

He won $150 on a poker machine. I asked him for my half. Our friend, Olivia, who was standing nearby, said to me, "Oh, don't take half his winnings." I told her we'd had an agreement, and I insisted, but my husband wouldn't give me the money. After that, Olivia wasn't even civil to me.

Abby, if I had won $150, I would have given my husband the agreed-upon half. I feel it's a matter of principle.

You may think this is a trivial problem, but in this house, nothing is trivial, it seems. I'm sitting here in tears. Abby, if I'm wrong, please tell me. -- WINNER'S WIFE WHO'S WANTING

DEAR WIFE: A deal's a deal, and your husband should ante up the half of his winnings he agreed to give you. However, since he didn't, dry your tears and forgive his selfishness. In the future, don't count on him to take the high road when it comes to money.

P.S. I suggest you watch out for Olivia. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

DEAR ABBY: The following came from a local magazine dedicated to our furry companions. I think it is important enough to ask you to share with your readers. -- WINONA MANCUSI, CAMARILLO, CALIF.

DEAR WINONA: You bet it is.

TEN WORST EXCUSES NOT TO SPAY OR NEUTER A PET

1. Just one litter and then we'll have Fluffy spayed.

(Studies show that virtually the entire pet overpopulation stems from the "just one litter" mentality.)

2. My dog doesn't run loose, so he doesn't need to be fixed.

(Murphy's Law says otherwise.)

3. We always find homes for the kittens.

(And that means that an equal number of kittens at the pound will be killed.)

4. I want the children to witness the miracle of birth.

(Rent a video.)

5. My dog is so cute and unique, there should be more of her.

(The shelters and pounds are full of cute and unique dogs, most with only a few days to live.)

6. It's not natural.

(There hasn't been anything "natural" about dogs since we began to develop breeds thousands of years ago.)

7. I just couldn't look my dog in the eye if I had him castrated.

(Watch it, you're anthropomorphizing.)

8. A female dog or cat should have at least one litter for health reasons.

(Medically, factually and ethically indefensible.)

9. Neutering my dog will make him fat and lazy.

(Too much food and not enough exercise make a dog fat and lazy.)

10. Fixing my pet will change its personality.

(The primary influences on an animal's personality are the kindness and care with which it is raised.)

Readers, if your pet is not spayed or neutered, make an appointment with your veterinarian or a pet clinic today.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)