DEAR ABBY: I'm writing this letter for my sister, "Janis," who is beside herself with anger. She recently had a christening party for her newborn twins and was surprised and hurt that our other sister, "Lois," and her husband did not bring a gift or card for the occasion. They gave some lame excuse about just getting back from a vacation and not having time to stop by a store to pick up a gift.

The twins' mother is thinking about confronting Lois, and I'm afraid of the consequences. Is a gift always necessary? What is the best way to handle this? -- PEACEMAKER IN BLOOMFIELD

DEAR PEACEMAKER: Tell your sister to hold her horses. Your other sister and her husband may have had a valid reason for failing to bring a gift to the christening and they may come up with one yet. It's traditional to present a gift at a christening, but if it's forced, it's not a gift. Better to let it go than alienate family members. No gift is worth losing a sister.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to the woman who wanted to write her life story for her children and include the disclosure of an extramarital affair was right on the money. You told her to keep her story to herself.

I know from being the recipient of such news earlier this year how right you are. If the woman thinks her children are unaware of the affair she had, she's wrong! I suspected my father was having an affair, and even met the woman who was his mistress (although she wasn't introduced to me as that). Even with my suspicions, having the news confirmed was devastating.

I hope the woman has enough sense to follow your advice. If she loves her children, she shouldn't hurt them in this way. Although I have forgiven my father, I doubt I will ever forget this. -- DEVASTATED BUT SURVIVING IN TORONTO

DEAR DEVASTATED: I appreciate your support of my view. Truth is admirable, but when it comes to a cruel truth that can hurt others, I vote for silence.

DEAR ABBY: I recently read that you were once a volunteer with the Gray Ladies. When I was 3 years old, I was admitted to the hospital to have my tonsils removed.

The next day, the ward was quarantined for diphtheria and I spent 29 days away from my family. My memories of that time consist entirely of the love given me, a frightened and lonely child, by the Gray Ladies. I want to thank you all for the kindness shown to me and thousands of others. -- MICHELLE PHILLIPS, LOS ANGELES

DEAR MICHELLE: Your letter brought back many fond memories of my days as a volunteer at Luther Hospital in Eau Claire, Wis. I don't recall anything as dramatic as a stranded child, but I am proud to have been a part of such a fine group of women.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I will be attending a Catholic church soon for a special event.

As Protestants, is it necessary for us to kneel when everybody else does? -- WONDERING IN MINNESOTA

DEAR WONDERING: No.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Please answer as soon as possible, as I am in deep trouble. My husband and I went on a gambling excursion. We had an agreement that if either of us won more than $100, we would divide the amount with each other.

He won $150 on a poker machine. I asked him for my half. Our friend, Olivia, who was standing nearby, said to me, "Oh, don't take half his winnings." I told her we'd had an agreement, and I insisted, but my husband wouldn't give me the money. After that, Olivia wasn't even civil to me.

Abby, if I had won $150, I would have given my husband the agreed-upon half. I feel it's a matter of principle.

You may think this is a trivial problem, but in this house, nothing is trivial, it seems. I'm sitting here in tears. Abby, if I'm wrong, please tell me. -- WINNER'S WIFE WHO'S WANTING

DEAR WIFE: A deal's a deal, and your husband should ante up the half of his winnings he agreed to give you. However, since he didn't, dry your tears and forgive his selfishness. In the future, don't count on him to take the high road when it comes to money.

P.S. I suggest you watch out for Olivia. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

DEAR ABBY: The following came from a local magazine dedicated to our furry companions. I think it is important enough to ask you to share with your readers. -- WINONA MANCUSI, CAMARILLO, CALIF.

DEAR WINONA: You bet it is.

TEN WORST EXCUSES NOT TO SPAY OR NEUTER A PET

1. Just one litter and then we'll have Fluffy spayed.

(Studies show that virtually the entire pet overpopulation stems from the "just one litter" mentality.)

2. My dog doesn't run loose, so he doesn't need to be fixed.

(Murphy's Law says otherwise.)

3. We always find homes for the kittens.

(And that means that an equal number of kittens at the pound will be killed.)

4. I want the children to witness the miracle of birth.

(Rent a video.)

5. My dog is so cute and unique, there should be more of her.

(The shelters and pounds are full of cute and unique dogs, most with only a few days to live.)

6. It's not natural.

(There hasn't been anything "natural" about dogs since we began to develop breeds thousands of years ago.)

7. I just couldn't look my dog in the eye if I had him castrated.

(Watch it, you're anthropomorphizing.)

8. A female dog or cat should have at least one litter for health reasons.

(Medically, factually and ethically indefensible.)

9. Neutering my dog will make him fat and lazy.

(Too much food and not enough exercise make a dog fat and lazy.)

10. Fixing my pet will change its personality.

(The primary influences on an animal's personality are the kindness and care with which it is raised.)

Readers, if your pet is not spayed or neutered, make an appointment with your veterinarian or a pet clinic today.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I fight a lot. It has been going on for a year now. Every day we have an argument in which we yell, scream and put each other down. The language gets very ugly. These episodes are triggered by trivial things. We resolve these arguments by ignoring each other or by going to sleep. The next day, it's as if nothing had happened and we're fine until the next argument.

Our families and friends have no idea, since we're very private about our fighting. They all think we're a "perfect" couple and frequently ask about our wedding plans. I don't want them to know because I feel embarrassed about our behavior.

We both grew up in emotionally abusive homes and both sets of parents are divorced. I was abandoned by my father and my boyfriend was abandoned by his mother. We don't want to end up like our parents, but I'm afraid the cycle is continuing. We want to marry and have children, but I'm afraid of how our family would turn out if we did.

I am depressed and stressed because of this. We love each other very much and want to get help to change our behavior, but money is tight. We're both college students and can't afford therapy. Any advice, Abby? -- IN LOVE AND FIGHTING

DEAR IN LOVE AND FIGHTING: Go to the student health center and ask to speak with a counselor. Free or low-cost counseling is offered to students on most college and university campuses. You and your boyfriend need to understand what is triggering these outbursts and learn to constructively vent your frustrations.

Since you both recognize there is a problem and are willing to work on it, I'm sure it can be solved. I commend you for wanting to do something about it before this relationship goes any further. That's mature thinking. I wish you both the best.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have taken several vacations with his mother ("Jane") in the past. Because last Christmas was her first holiday as a widow, we took her with us to the Caribbean. The trip was a disaster. Jane complained incessantly that she didn't like the island because it wasn't as nice as her home. I told my husband that I wouldn't spend another vacation with her because she ruined it for all of us.

This year we planned a vacation to Maui where my sister-in-law lives. We planned on keeping this a secret because we wanted to go with just our immediate family. Unfortunately, our daughter spilled the beans.

Jane now plans to go to Maui at the same time we'll be there. We are staying in a home and will have an extra bed. I am worried that she will stay with us, or plan to spend all the time with us and ruin another vacation. My husband does not want to tell her she is not welcome to come along because he's afraid it may destroy their relationship.

Abby, we work very hard and look forward to spending our annual week's vacation with our children. How can I let Jane know she is not welcome to come with us? -- DESPERATE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR DESPERATE: Face it -- you can't. Your daughter spilled the beans and you are stuck. There's no way you can tell your mother-in-law you don't want her to join you without causing a rift, so be a good sport. If I were you, I'd start looking for a place where Jane could stay in Maui -- someplace close to you that's "as nice as her home." Better luck next year.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)