DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law is loud and opinionated, but his latest statement takes the cake. I am due to give birth to a baby on his birthday in September. He has made a pronouncement to the entire family that he will be very upset if I have the baby on his birthday, as he doesn't want to share that day. This is no joke.

The rest of the family hopes I have the baby on this date just to spite him. I wish I were a million miles away. Frankly, at eight months pregnant in the Texas heat, I don't have much of a sense of humor left. I would like the birth of my baby to be a time of joy, not the punchline of some sort of adolescent-level joke. -- HOT AND TIRED IN TEXAS

DEAR HOT AND TIRED: Your father-in-law is talking as though the Texas heat has addled his brain. He should regard the arrival of his grandchild as the ultimate birthday gift -- not competition. Shame on him. You may have to listen to the braying of a jackass, but you don't have to validate it.

DEAR ABBY: The man who lamented the snickers and insults he endured from strangers who interpreted his holding his mentally disabled son's hand as a sign of "homosexual bonding" has experienced the discrimination and contempt that gays and lesbians experience every day.

He should be concerned less with freeing these snickerers of their "mistaken notions" and more with promoting the idea that our violent and intolerant society should learn to accept any mutually affectionate gesture of hand-holding, no matter between whom. -- DON IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR DON: I agree with you. But lighten up. Right now the man is too engrossed in his own pain to appreciate the bigger picture.

DEAR ABBY: A local ratio station sponsored a contest where listeners submitted poems about their hometowns. I thought you might like to have a copy of mine. -- LORI J. BENNETT, FORT WORTH, TEXAS

DEAR LORI: You thought right. I like your poem, not to mention your sense of humor. Read on:

MY HOMETOWN

For years I've proclaimed with bravado

To friends and colleagues alike,

That my hometown was in Colorado,

The state with the peak named Pike.

I've boasted of snow and the ski slopes

And of crisp, clear skies of blue.

But my bragging was nothing but false hopes

And so I'm confessing to you:

In truth, it wasn't the Rockies I saw

On the day I was born.

It wasn't a landscape, rugged and raw,

It was only a field of corn.

The purpose of this little ditty

Is so all of the world will see,

I was really born in Sioux City,

Home of Abby, Ann Landers and me!

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: As a confirmed cat-lover, I couldn't help identifying with the enclosed "Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats." I'm sure your other cat-loving readers will get a kick out of it. If you agree, feel free to print it. The author is unknown. -- KITTY MC DOWELL, LEHIGH ACRES, FLA.

DEAR KITTY: (As a cat-lover, you are aptly named!) I do agree, and here it is:

RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR INEXPERIENCED CATS

-- If you have an upset stomach, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Or, shag is good.

-- Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off, and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

-- For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast with your own.

-- Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

-- For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.

-- Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.

-- If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.

-- For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.

-- For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.

-- Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been invited to a wedding in early October. The groom has owed my husband $425 for more than eight years. Requests for repayment have been ignored. He always has some excuse not to repay the loan.

Abby, if we attend the wedding, are we required to give a wedding gift? We feel we have given enough already. -- SHAFTED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR SHAFTED: If you attend the wedding, you should give them some kind of gift -- even if it's only a token.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm sending you a picture of my brother. While I don't expect you to send it to "Stressed Out," who was tempted to ignore the school's rule against attending parties where there was drinking and drugs or be penalized by removal from sports teams, please stress how deadly drinking can be. The picture of my brother -- on life-support due to his alcoholism -- is very sad for me, and very chilling to see.

Abby, I don't drink, but I'm being punished because of alcohol. My parents died young from alcohol-related disorders and now I've lost my brother to the same addiction. He began drinking at weekend parties when he was a teen-ager, never dreaming that he, too, would be unable to quit. He was a gifted artist, but the more he drank, the less artwork he produced -- and now he's dead.

It hurts me to see advertising that draws teens into drinking and smoking. When will the insanity stop?

To any teen who reads this and hasn't given in to the pressure to drink, I would like to pat you on the back. I am proud of you. It takes great strength to go against the flow. Your chances of making your dreams come true are increased if you don't allow alcohol to get in your way. -- GRIEVING AND ALONE IN ANAHEIM, CALIF.

DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my condolences for the loss of your beloved brother. I am printing your letter so teens can see for themselves that drinking and drugs can have unforeseen tragic results. Alcoholism and drug addiction are diseases, and unfortunately some families are genetically predisposed to them. Teens, beware! It CAN happen to you, so don't risk it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old high school sophomore. "Stressed Out in Washington" said it was difficult to avoid drinking, in spite of his school's rules that students would be dropped from sports if they went to parties where alcohol or drugs were used.

I have also made a decision not to drink. Many of my friends do, although my close friends do not. Sometimes I feel left out when I have to refuse invitations to parties with the popular crowd because they will be drinking and doing drugs. More than once, I have been tempted to go. I think that if I try drinking once I'll be satisfied and never do it again. But many of my friends who thought the same thing said it was harder to resist after trying it.

Now when I'm tempted to drink, I think about how I would disappoint others. My parents would no longer trust me, and I would let my little brother and sister down because they look to me as an example. Also, I volunteer with children in my church, teach Sunday school and work in the nursery. If their parents found out that I went to parties where there was drinking, they wouldn't trust me with their children.

My school also has a policy of dropping kids from athletic teams if they are caught drinking or are with others who are drinking. I am a cheerleader, and drinking would jeopardize my being on the squad. I agree with this policy because it probably keeps a few kids from drinking.

Abby, the reason athletes suffer consequences and kids who don't play sports get off with no punishment is that athletes are looked up to by everyone else. They set the standard for what is considered acceptable by the rest of the students. If athletes looked down on drinking, it would encourage others to follow.

I hope "Stressed Out" continues setting a high standard for other students. Maybe a few of them will follow his example. -- ARIZONA CHEERLEADER

DEAR ARIZONA CHEERLEADER: I hope so, too. You are a very wise young lady. When "Stressed Out in Washington" sees your supportive letter, I'm certain it will strengthen his resolve. Thank you for writing.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)