DEAR ABBY: My son, "Steve," is 18 and will be going to junior college this fall. He will commute back and forth to school and has a part-time job that pays very little.

Steve is basically a good kid. He's not into drugs or alcohol, but he is stubborn and bullheaded. Whenever he needs gas money, clothes ironed or lunches made, I'm usually there to help out. However, when the shoe is on the other foot and I need help with chores and things around the house, he always manages to wiggle out of it, dump the task on his younger brother, or be "too busy" with his friends to stop and help me.

When I try to talk to Steve about it, he gets an attitude and ignores me, or walks away from me, then runs off to be with his friends. If my husband or I try to discuss this with him, he says now that he's 18, he's a man.

Abby, I am thoroughly disgusted with Steve's attitude. What should I do to get him to help around the house? -- TIRED MOM IN MANITO, ILL.

DEAR TIRED MOM: You've done more than enough for this new "man" in the family. I suggest that you make yourself unavailable when Steve needs gas money, clothes ironed or lunches made. Should he ask why, tell him in no uncertain terms that adults are supposed to live cooperatively with each other, and unless he's prepared to cooperate with you and his father, he can assume complete responsibility for his own needs.

DEAR ABBY: This has bothered me for the past 12 years.

I have been married almost 43 years. After our last child moved out, my husband had a midlife crisis. To be specific, he had an affair with someone half his age. Abby, she was younger than two of our children. Out of this affair came a baby. We had DNA testing to be sure it was his.

My question: What is this child to me? What should she call me? She calls me by my first name, which irritates me. Please do not print my name or location. -- IRRITATED

DEAR IRRITATED: The child is not related to you, and if there's a formal designation for someone in your situation, I'm not aware of it. Assuming there are warm feelings between the two of you, select a nickname for her to call you and ask her to please use it.

DEAR ABBY: "Steamed in Boston" complained about food servers asking if he wanted his change back. In my opinion, asking customers if they want their change in order to save a trip back to the table is unprofessional.

My first job as a food server was in a restaurant where the owner forbade us to ask that question. A fellow server told me to say instead, "I'll be right back with your change." That way, the customer could reply, "OK," or, "Keep the change," with no toes stepped on and nothing left in doubt. -- EX-FOOD SERVER IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR EX: Many servers wrote to offer the same suggestion. One said that 90 percent of the time the customer will reply, "There's no need to return the change; it's for you."

Servers reported that the question is used to determine if a trip back to the table is necessary, because they are often swamped, and not having to return to the table saves them time for another customer. To that, I respond, "There are no shortcuts to quality service."

(Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.)

DEAR ABBY: I desperately need your advice about my soon-to-be mother-in-law. (I'll call her Kay.) She was a horrible mother to my fiance, "Frank." He and his brother grew up with severe physical and emotional abuse. I believe Kay must have a mental disorder that causes her to do these things. However, in recent years her behavior has improved. The verbal abuse isn't constant like it was when Frank and his brother were living with her, but its tone is as bad as ever. After Kay cools off, she acts as if nothing ever happened.

Four months ago, Frank got into a fight with his mother because we were five minutes late for a baby shower for "Bobby," our newborn son. The next day Kay called and proceeded to tell Frank how worthless he is, and that he'll be a loser all his life. Then she told him I was a thankless, fat slob.

The last we heard from Kay was a message she left on our answering machine at 3:30 a.m., saying she had ripped up Bobby's pictures and never wanted to see any of us again. Abby, I was horrified. Frank assured me that she would no longer be a part of our lives after having hurt us so badly. He said he was through tolerating his mother's abuse.

Since then, Kay has asked Frank's sister "Arlene" to ask us to let her baby-sit and then Arlene could take Bobby to Kay's house. Kay has also done many other sneaky things.

Abby, I have no room in my life for such a bitter, disagreeable woman who will only hurt our family if I let her back into our lives.

Our wedding is scheduled for November, and Frank thinks we should send his mother an invitation because it's the polite thing to do. I understand his attachment to his mother, but I'm terrified of her and what she may do. I don't want her in our lives, and I'm afraid I'll eventually lose Frank because of my feelings about his mother.

Should I send Kay an invitation to our wedding just to be polite, and hope she doesn't show? Or should I refuse to send one and hope Frank understands? Please hurry your advice, Abby. The wedding is three months away and I'm getting ulcers. -- HURT BRIDE-TO-BE

DEAR HURT: Since Frank wants his mother to attend the wedding, she should be invited, and you should make an effort to mend fences. After all, this is Frank's wedding, too.

Now, I'm going to offer you a little more advice than you asked for. You'll save yourself untold grief if you tackle the issue of Kay's place in your lives now. You didn't mention whether Frank received counseling to deal with the abuse he received while growing up. If he didn't, he should.

You are marrying into a dysfunctional family, and I don't envy you the trials you'll be facing. Kay has shown herself to be not only abusive, but devious. Since she has abused her own sons, what's to prevent her from abusing yours? Even if Bobby were not the target of her abuse, for him to witness his grandmother treating you or his father that way would be traumatic. Be prepared.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I love my boyfriend very much, but he's not affectionate in any way. When I ask him if he loves me, he gets angry. He told me that he said he loved me once, and after that, he shouldn't have to repeat it. He says he wants an independent woman who makes no demands.

Abby, I enjoy his company. He takes me out every weekend and calls me every day. But he never holds my hand or kisses me. I need some affection and reassurance of his love, but he refuses to give it to me.

Should I stay in this relationship or move on? -- MISS GLORIA IN GEORGIA

DEAR MISS GLORIA: Metaphorically speaking, you are fire and your boyfriend is ice -- a decidedly incompatible combination. Since he is unwilling to fulfill your needs, you should consider ending this relationship so you can be free to find a man who is a better match.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 49-year-old divorced woman. My children are adults and live 2,500 miles away. I own my own home and am self-supporting.

I have been dating a gentleman 10 years my junior for the last five years. I love him, but I do not want to get married again. He is very insistent about wanting marriage. He is controlling and jealous and does not like to be alone. (I am not thrilled with this aspect of his personality.)

Abby, I made it clear from the beginning that I have no interest in marriage. I was married to an alcoholic for 19 years, and I am very independent. Should I end the relationship so he can find someone who wants to marry him, or continue the relationship? Your input would be appreciated. -- WONDERING IN OHIO

DEAR WONDERING: Since you are adamant about not wanting to remarry, you would be doing this man a kindness to set him free. A man who is controlling, jealous and doesn't like to be alone would be a poor marriage prospect even if you decided to relent. End the relationship now!

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the woman whose co-worker told her she wore her pins on the wrong side brought up an ongoing dispute between my father and me. I hope you can settle it.

I am a 30-year-old, well-educated man, and I always dress nicely for work. When I put on my belt, I go around my waist clockwise, with the buckle facing left and the point of the belt to my right.

My father says I am wearing my belt wrong. He says the belt must go counterclockwise, with the point left and the buckle right. He claims all men wear their belts this way.

Abby, is my father correct, and does it really matter which way a man wears his belt? -- KEEPS MY TROUSERS UP ANYWAY

DEAR KEEPS: I called several clothing stores that feature menswear and presented your question. I was told your father is correct: Belts should be put on counterclockwise so that the end points to the left when buckled.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)