DEAR ABBY: In response to "Feeling Worthless in New Hampshire," I grew up in a home where my father called my mother stupid, illiterate, fat, and a host of other degrading things. He embarrassed her publicly and often scolded and yelled at her as though she were a child. My parents are both retired now.

By not acting on her own behalf, my mother has chosen to remain a victim and martyr. We, her children, tired long ago of her detailed complaints about how mean Dad is to her. We have heard the same broken record for years.

We have reminded her repeatedly that Dad is not going to miraculously change, and all her walking on eggshells, trying to read his mind and keep him happy, is sucking the life out of her. It's up to her to make the changes that will make her happy. She should let Dad be responsible for his own happiness for a change.

I, too, had a marriage in which my husband showed me little consideration or respect. It took me years of therapy and support groups to realize my worthiness. We separated for a year. My husband and I now attend an excellent marriage counseling program. We have reconciled and our marriage is flourishing.

"Feeling Worthless" should find a support group, counselor or therapist who will help her learn to command the respect she deserves. Through the therapy process, she'll realize that although she can't change her husband at this late date, she can change the way she reacts to him.

Kudos to you, Abby, for pointing out the monetary value of a woman who works inside the home. However, I'm convinced that "Feeling Worthless"'s husband will find another way to invalidate his wife's value because it interferes with his arrogant and selfish agenda. -- WORTHY OF DIGNITY AND RESPECT, SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR WORTHY: You and your mother appear to share a pattern of spousal abuse. Unfortunately, when your mother was younger, marital counseling wasn't as available as it is today. I commend you and your husband for seeking help when you needed it. It would be wonderful if your mother followed your example and sought professional help, but you cannot compel her to; she must find within herself the strength to go.

DEAR ABBY: In our society, many people listen to music, but so few seem to appreciate the joy and other benefits of singing. When I was in Italy, I heard a group of men on a public bus break into song.

Many of my students have thought they were tone-deaf because someone told them so when they sang off-key as children. Thereafter, they felt discouraged and afraid to sing. Thus they were deprived of years of the natural freedom found in expressing their joy through song. Nobody who can speak normally is tone-deaf, and no one should tell a child that he is.

Parents should encourage children to sing, and should sing to them. Some of my sweetest memories are of my mother singing to me. She even made up songs for us. Pets love to hear their masters sing, too.

The Bible admonishes us to sing. It says, "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord." You don't have to be an expert or even sing in tune. Singing, like laugher, can be healing.

To paraphrase a verse I've seen in your column:

"Richer than I you will never be,

"For I had a mother who sang to me."

-- RALPH EMERSON, TACOMA, WASH.

DEAR RALPH: I agree that singing frees the anchored spirit, and the performance doesn't have to be of Carnegie Hall quality. To discourage anyone from giving voice to his or her emotions is hard-hearted.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Alice," deriding her relative's accomplishment of graduating from college in her 40s, was so outrageous -- and so touched a nerve personally -- that I feel compelled to write my first-ever letter to express an opinion publicly.

I interrupted college to raise three children. Thirty years later, I received an AA degree, with a 3.64 average and while working full time. It wasn't easy, and I was gratified by the expressions of support and congratulations from family and friends alike. I'm now 52, a grandmother, and have just returned to college for my bachelor's degree while working full time. I'm likely to be in my mid-50s before I finish.

"Alice"'s mean-spirited condemnation misses the point entirely. Whether the degree helps in the current job or whether one "needs" a new career is irrelevant. What's important is the personal fulfillment that education brings, and the enrichment of one's life and the lives of others, that is inherent in being better educated.

Abby, your response to Alice was right on the mark. She should be thoroughly ashamed of herself. Her relative's accomplishment is indeed praiseworthy. -- GRANNY IN COLLEGE AND PROUD OF IT

DEAR GRANNY: Yours was one in a barrage of mail I've received from readers offering heated comments about "Alice"'s letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: This is for "Alice," who thinks her relative should have pursued housekeeping rather than broadening her horizons and improving her mind by obtaining a college degree in her 40s.

Wake up, Alice! This is the 1990s, not the 1890s. The definition of a good wife no longer includes maid service. You should be congratulating your relative rather than trying to pull her down. I detect more than a touch of mean-spirited jealousy in your letter. Shame on you! -- JANET IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

DEAR JANET: Although many readers reacted angrily to Alice's comments, more wrote offering support and encouragement to the recent graduate because, they, too, had entered college late in life. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I still have one of your columns from years ago, in which you answered a 36-year-old college dropout who was considering entering medical school. The writer said it would take seven years to finish -- at which time he/she would be 43 years old. You answered by asking, "And how old will you be in seven years if you DON'T do it?"

Well, Abby, I entered college as a freshman at age 38. At 41, I graduated magna cum laude with my bachelor's degree, and at 42 I finished my master's of education with honors. My college experience encouraged my out-of-work husband to enroll in college, too. Now we have both graduated and work in careers we love. We've just purchased our first nice home and are paying our bills on time for the first time in our 28-year marriage. Our parents and grown children are proud of us. When I saw them cheering at my graduation, I cried. Nothing could have been nicer.

You were right when you said the relative of the graduate should be ashamed to have diminished her happiness. I wish her well. Education makes all the difference. Thanks for suggesting it. -- HAPPY AGGIE GRANDMA, ENNIS, TEXAS

DEAR HAPPY: You're welcome. Your experience attests to the importance of completing one's education. My congratulations to both of you.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, I met a lovely young lady and we began to date. Soon the relationship was exclusive because we fell in love. Our relationship is perfect except for one thing. We are of different religions. I am Jewish and she is Christian.

Religion is important to both of us, and neither of us wants to convert. We realize that marriage would present problems; however, we don't know if the problems would be so serious that our marriage would fail.

Abby, would our marriage have a chance, or should we go our separate ways before we invest any more time in what could be a disaster? -- TO MARRY OR NOT TO MARRY

DEAR TO MARRY OR NOT TO MARRY: Interfaith marriage can be difficult, but the problems are not insurmountable if both partners are willing to communicate honestly and compromise.

Before you make the commitment, there are some issues that you should discuss to determine how important they are to both of you and how you should handle them.

Could she accept it if you want your children raised in the Jewish faith? Could you accept it if it were important to her that the children embrace Christianity? How would you handle the holidays? If you have dietary restrictions, could she accept that? Would your wedding be Jewish or Christian?

It would be a good idea for you and the young woman to meet with both a rabbi and a minister to discuss the differences so that you don't misunderstand each other's religion and expectations. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: What do you think of sending wedding invitations to every possible acquaintance? I know a gift is supposed to be voluntary, but during the last year I have received invitations from the daughters of casual friends or co-workers. I've met these daughters only once or twice in my entire life. They probably wouldn't know me if they ran into me on the street.

These invitations arrived with cards included that state where the bride is registered, or, in the case of the most recent, stating that contributions could be made to a honeymoon cruise with the check made payable to the cruise line! That one was for a wedding that's three states away. The mother of the bride is fully aware that there's no way I could attend the wedding. It's obvious that a gift or contribution is expected when a card like that is included.

Because I either correspond with the mother of these brides or work with the father, it's very awkward for me not to buy a gift for these events. Yet I would never dream of sending them an invitation to my son's wedding next year, because my son wouldn't know them any better than their daughters know me. Please tell me how to deal with these kinds of invitations. It's emotionally unsettling when one barely has enough funds to buy gifts for actual relatives. -- DESPERATE FOR RELIEF

DEAR DESPERATE: It is inappropriate to include information about where the bride is registered with the invitation to the wedding. The proper way to transmit the information is verbally, in response to an inquiry from someone who has accepted the invitation.

Respond to invitations such as these by sending a card or letter congratulating the happy couple and expressing regret that you will be unable to attend. If you are not attending the wedding, no gift should be expected from you.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)