DEAR ABBY: I don't know where the Rev. Virginia Anderson has been the last 10 years or so. She claims the problem of rest rooms where spouses of people with handicaps are allowed in to help them has never been addressed. I assure you it has. I travel all over the United States and Canada, and many cities have men's rest rooms, women's rest rooms and family rest rooms in their shopping complexes. The malls in my home state of Minnesota have them.

Another thing, Abby: In your answer you said, "By the age of 6 or 7, your grandson should be able to use a public rest room without assistance." That may be so, but young children are defenseless against being molested. Predators are looking for children that age who are alone. By the time the opposite sex parent finds out, it's too late. Please think again. I wouldn't even allow a 6- or 7-year-old child to go into a rest room alone in a small town. -- INTERESTED BYSTANDER

DEAR INTERESTED BYSTANDER: I will respond to your letter in two parts. First, I apologize for saying that by the age of 6 or 7 a child should be able to use a public rest room without being accompanied by an adult. I didn't consider the possibility that the child could be in danger of being molested.

As to the first part of your letter about rest rooms that are accessible to handicapped people, please read on for a sample of the mail I've received on that subject:

DEAR ABBY: I am disabled, and my husband is my primary care provider. When we go out for an entire day, or travel by air, there generally comes a point when I have to use the rest room. I can't do it without him, so 99 percent of the time we're faced with the question, "Men's or women's?" (Baltimore/Washington International Airport is a glowing exception.) We usually choose the men's room on the theory that a woman in the men's room is less threatening than vice versa.

It's an uncomfortable experience for us, as well as the people we meet in the rest room, but I'll be darned if I'll give up having a life because people choose to remain clueless about the needs of the disabled. I'm sure there are other people, however, who remain at home rather than face this situation. Wheelchair-accessible, unisex rest rooms in public places would enable these people to go out and enjoy the world again. -- CAROLYN CLARK, STATEN ISLAND, N.Y.

DEAR CAROLYN: Although handicapped-accessible rest rooms have been mandated in many places, they are often located in gender-specific rest rooms, which makes them difficult to use if there is a caregiver of the opposite sex involved. I think the idea of unisex family rest rooms is an excellent one. Read on for a letter I'm sure you'll find of interest:

DEAR ABBY: I have been working diligently on getting legislation passed to force all public facilities in the state of Florida to have accessible gender-neutral rest room facilities.

State Rep. Suzanne Jacobs of Delray Beach, Fla., agrees with me, and is planning to introduce a bill in the Florida House next session to mandate such facilities.

U.S. Congressman Mark Foley has also agreed to support the bill, and I have received positive responses from other state and federal officials.

Any support you and your readers can give toward this worthy cause would be greatly appreciated. -- FRED KROLL, BOYNTON BEACH, FLA.

DEAR FRED: I'm certain your letter will be of interest not only to individuals who have the need for gender-neutral rest room facilities, but also to the many advocacy groups that have formed around the country for people with disabilities. Good luck! Please let me know when the legislation is passed.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: Last Sunday was my wife's birthday, her first since our marriage in April. I didn't forget it, but the situation is as bad as if I had.

About a month earlier, "Beverly" told me that she would like to spend her first birthday as my wife alone with me. She didn't want anything spectacular -- just the day with me and maybe a nice dinner.

Abby, it completely slipped my mind! I took the initiative and, being a thoughtful husband (I thought), made arrangements to take Beverly to her parents' house for the day. Well, her mood seemed to dim as the day wore on. When she finally told me what was bothering her, I felt terrible. She said I paid no attention to her request.

I would love to take back that one day and start it all over the right way, but I can't. What can I do to make it better now? -- GUILTY IN WILMINGTON, DEL.

DEAR GUILTY: Spend the day alone with her and then treat her to a nice dinner. Apologize for the fact that her birthday celebration is late, and promise that from now on, you'll listen more carefully when she tells you what she wants. Then, for heaven's sake, DO it!

DEAR ABBY: I know that certain items are supposed to be given on specific wedding anniversaries, but I'm not sure what they are. My mother says she used to have a list, but she thought it had changed and she threw it away. Can you help? -- S. MALONEY, WEST ORANGE, N.J.

DEAR S. MALONEY: Your mother is correct. I checked "The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette," entirely rewritten and updated, and found that the list has been revised over the years. This is a current one:

For the first anniversary, clocks; second, china; third, crystal, glass; fourth, electrical appliances; fifth, silverware; sixth, wood; seventh, desk sets, pen and pencil sets; eighth, linen, lace; ninth, leather; 10th, diamond jewelry; 15th, watches; 20th, platinum; 25th, sterling silver; 30th, diamond; 35th, jade; 40th, ruby; 45th, sapphire; 50th, gold; 55th, emerald; 60th, diamond.

DEAR ABBY: Many of the letters in your column have interested me, but the one from "Mom in Denver" really caught my attention.

The best advice I can offer her is to show respect for her children, and they will respect her in return. Children are just little people with feelings. No one wants to be told "Shut up" or "Because I said so."

Respect your children enough to explain what they are doing wrong. Never criticize them in front of others, especially their friends. By respecting them, you are also showing that you love them.

It all comes down to the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. -- GOOD MOM IN MILWAUKEE

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I work in a small office. My colleagues and I occasionally go out together for an informal lunch. We always evenly divide the bill. Invariably, one of my colleagues waits until everyone has contributed his cash portion before collecting the cash and paying the entire bill with his personal credit card.

On the last two occasions, I stated my displeasure with this practice. Most recently, he grew very angry when I criticized him. My contention is that he lacks the courtesy of asking if anyone objects if he uses his personal credit card. Essentially, others could save a trip to the ATM and accrue frequent-flier miles by using their credit card.

My colleague claims that he carries very little cash and sees nothing wrong in his actions. Everyone's goal is to preserve office harmony. If I am in error by objecting to my colleague's practice, I owe him an apology. Perhaps you can advise. -- CURIOUS ABOUT CIVILITY, OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR CURIOUS: I see nothing wrong in your co-worker putting the lunch tab on his credit card and pocketing the cash. If, however, you are jealous of the airline credits he is accruing, arrange to alternate with him, putting the lunch bill on your card in the future.

DEAR ABBY: Your Father's Day tribute, "Father Talked to Me," struck a deep chord. The need to speak out welled up within me and I found myself rewriting as I read. This poem was not a struggle to compose; the words flowed like water. They have been locked in my heart since childhood. I hope you will print it so others like me will know they are not alone. -- NATIVE OF NEW ORLEANS

NO PLACE LIKE HOME

My father never seemed to care,

And when I shined was never there.

He criticized from A to Z, but never complimented me.

Accusing, belittling, constantly.

We were never friends; we were always at war.

He showed me no love, nor what fathers are for.

My childhood, akin to something like hell,

The cursing and taunting I remember quite well.

I was beaten with whatever he had in his hand --

A broomstick, a board, or an old frying pan.

Under his workbench I'd hide and I'd cry

While praying to God to please let him die.

Each day I lived in fear, really perplexed,

I never knew what would set him off next.

I could tell no one -- I had no recourse,

For he threatened I'd be the cause for divorce.

My lifetime's achievements were accomplished alone

Because for some kids, there's no place like home.

P.S. An ironic footnote: When his time came, my father died in my arms.

DEAR NATIVE: Your poem touched me deeply. I'm sure it will be meaningful for others who cannot give voice to the pain of their daily lives. Perhaps simply knowing that they are not alone will provide some comfort. Bless you, and them.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.