DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of three children, all under the age of 12. My problem concerns my in-laws, who are overly generous with the gifts they buy our children. I know of no one else who spends as much or buys as many gifts as my in-laws do on birthdays and Christmas. My mother-in-law buys gifts for all three on each of the children's birthdays so the other two "won't feel bad."

I never need to purchase clothes because they buy so many. I still buy gifts for the kids, but it's simply overkill combined with what they receive from their grandparents. My children actually tire from opening gifts before they finish, and then they have difficulty remembering everything they received. Don't misunderstand; I'm very grateful, but I find their generosity almost absurd. I have asked them to cut back, but it only causes problems between us.

My parents also find my in-laws' generosity overblown. Consequently, about three years ago, they stopped giving the children any gifts at all. When I asked my mother why, she told me she couldn't compete with the other grandparents. Abby, my parents are loving grandparents, but they don't have the kind of money my in-laws do. My husband thinks my parents are terrible for not giving gifts. He insists it's the thought that counts. My mother says why bother when the children are so overwhelmed they don't know what gift came from which family member.

So far, the children haven't questioned why only one side of their family gives them gifts, but I know they will ask one day. I work hard to instill good values in our children, but I fear that they will grow up spoiled. How should I handle this? -- GENUINELY CONCERNED

DEAR CONCERNED: Since you cannot limit the number of gifts your in-laws give your children, limit the number they can open at one time. Assure your parents that no one is measuring the quality or quantity of gifts, but it's important that they recognize their grandchildren's milestones. Consider donating a portion of the children's "loot" to needy children in your community. If you enlist their involvement, you will be making strides in teaching your children the importance of giving to those who are less fortunate.

DEAR ABBY: The reader survey on "pet peeve" words in the English language causes me to note that I am a born and bred Southerner. And we Southerners do have a wonderful language! We never say with one word what we can say with two.

We water our flowers with a hose pipe. Something happens each and every day. Our children have two first names: Anne Marie, Charlie Ray, Billy Bob, Camellia Ann. A person has yellow jaundice. A small, tiny baby is cute. The two twins are sisters. Our pet is a kitty cat. Our other pet is a hound dog. We eat breakfast bacon and corn grits. We climb up the stairs. A house either burns up or burns down.

Well, I could go on and on for a month of Sundays, but I don't want to be redundant. Abby, I tell you the truth and it's not a lie -- the South is a truly wonderful place! -- MARIE T. WILLHITE, BRENTWOOD, TENN.

DEAR MARIE: I do declare, Miss Marie, I'm going to publish your fine letter -- God willing, and the creeks don't rise! Thanks so much for writing.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Since travel season is upon us, I'd like to offer a suggestion as well as seek your advice. For the host and hostess who are having houseguests: Please spend a night in your guestroom to judge its comfort level.

We visit my in-laws in another state twice a year and stay in my husband's childhood room. The sheets are so thin you can read a newspaper through them and the pillows are so musty it is difficult to breathe. The only light in the room is a tiny decorative child's lamp, which does not cast enough light to tell what garments are in the closet, much less to read by. In addition, the closets are jammed with years of accumulation, making it difficult to find a place to put our clothes. It has been this way for years.

When my in-laws stay in our home, I go out of my way to make them feel welcome. I always include small "extras" -- new magazines, an alarm clock, extra pillows, fresh soap, a couple of drinking glasses and even fresh flowers on the dresser.

Abby, I appreciate my in-laws' hospitality and do not want to appear ungrateful, but it has reached the point where I dread staying in their home. It is not a matter of money for them or for my husband and me. I would gladly pay to "freshen" the room, if it could be done diplomatically.

Any suggestions? -- DREADING IT IN THE CAROLINAS

DEAR DREADING IT: Your suggestion to check out the guestroom before guests arrive is a good one. Your mother-in-law may think that your husband will feel more at home because she has left his boyhood room intact. However, I see nothing wrong with your providing her with a "hostess gift" of new bedding, a folding luggage rack or a new table lamp specifically marked for the guestroom. She should welcome it.

DEAR ABBY: My son died recently after a long illness, and many mourners stepped past my husband to offer me condolences. It hurt my husband deeply. He's the only father my children have known for the last 11 years, but even his family felt that was my loss, not OURS.

Abby, my son and my husband were very close, especially near the end. I think my son felt he could confide his fears to his dad, but must be brave for Mom.

In a world where birth fathers are walking away from their responsibilities, stepdads, foster fathers and adoptive parents are stepping in to shoulder that responsibility. Even though their presence is often resented by the children, these dads continue to love and care for their new families.

Abby, please explain to your readers that even if they don't understand the dynamics of stepfamily relationships, the stepparent shares in the rearing of the child, including loving the child. Condolences or congratulations should be expressed to the stepparent as well as the birth parent.

Thank you for allowing me to share my feelings. -- GRIEVING MOTHER IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR GRIEVING MOTHER: Perhaps the mourners didn't mean to be insensitive. I hope your letter will cause them (and others) to reconsider their assumptions about stepparents who do, indeed, deserve more sympathy than your husband received in his time of sorrow.

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DEAR ABBY: My mother had me when she was only 16. By the time I was 3, I also had a 2-year-old brother. My mom and dad split up and Mom let Dad take us to raise. Dad was only 24 and trying to raise two children on his own. My mom was very promiscuous. She had a total of four children -- none with the same father. She dumped the others on the fathers or the fathers' families.

My dad couldn't handle raising my younger brother and me, so I was sent to live with my maternal grandparents. For some reason, my grandparents didn't want my brother and me, so a family that Dad knew adopted my brother. When I was 7, my mother's sister got married, and then I was sent to live with her and her husband. My mother knew where I lived, but I only saw her occasionally -- once every couple of years.

My father was always a part of my life, though. I spent almost every weekend with him. It wasn't until I turned 17 that I found out that my dad wasn't my biological father. He had met my mom while she was pregnant, and, because my biological father wanted nothing to do with my mom or me, my "dad" married her and gave me his last name and a lifetime of devotion.

I almost lost my dad last year because of a cerebral aneurism. I love him with all my heart. However, I am also curious to know who my biological father is.

Should I ask my dad if he knows who my biological father is? Or do you think it would hurt his feelings too much? If you think I should ask him, how should I go about it? Anyone can father a child, but it takes a very special person to be a daddy. In my heart, my dad will always be my daddy -- now and forever. -- CONFUSED IN EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, N.J.

DEAR CONFUSED: Tell your dad exactly what you have told me. With a parent as understanding and as loving as he must be, I'm certain he will realize that your curiosity is natural. There are legitimate reasons for knowing about your biological father. It could be helpful to you and eventually your children to know his medical history and that of his family.

DEAR ABBY: In response to "Mom in Denver," whose mother did a poor job of raising her and who's afraid of making the same mistakes:

I am 22 years old and consider my mom to be one of my best friends. She, too, was raised poorly. She was abused physically and verbally. She moved out when she was 18, and at one point worked three jobs to support herself.

When she had children, she knew she didn't want to make the same mistakes her parents had made, and for her, that was enough. She is the best mom in the world.

She's supportive and understanding. I know that she is there for me no matter what. I go to her for advice, friendship and love -- and I'm there for her, too, if she needs anything. I'd be lost without her.

Please assure "Mom in Denver" that by learning from her parents' mistakes and by being there for her children, she'll be one of those great mothers, too. -- JULIE SAMMONS, MILWAUKEE

DEAR JULIE: Bless you for assuring "Mom in Denver" by your own experience that it's possible to break the destructive cycle of abuse. You are fortunate to have had a very special mother, and I'm certain she is proud to have a daughter who holds her in such high esteem.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)