DEAR ABBY: My son and his wife are both 40 years old. They have been happily married for more than two years. Although we have a loving relationship with them, an important element in our lives is missing.

They have not yet produced a child. They tell us she cannot conceive without medical help. My husband and I are in our 70s. We were told not to mention the childbirth subject, as it is a sensitive one. They claim to be "trying," but reveal nothing else.

My question: Do we have the right to ask them specifically what measures, if any, they have taken to help nature along? Dare I tell them that we feel cheated at not having a grandchild? May we speak of adoption to them? I feel this is a family concern, not just their problem. -- WANTS TO BE A GRANDMA IN L.A.

DEAR WANTS: You would be a mile out of line to harp on your desire to be grandparents, and to pry into your son and daughter-in-law's personal lives. They have already told you the subject is a sensitive one. Listen to them, and for heaven's sake, keep your questions to yourselves!

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the letter from Charles F. Yarham, who wrote about his pet peeve. The last line of his poem was, "Is when a kid is called a 'sibling.'"

The useful term "sibling" never gets me riled,

It's a sister or a brother, whether adult or child.

But what gets MY "goat" (and always did),

Is when a human child is called a "kid"!

-- MAGGIE RITCHEY, LOS ANGELES

P.S. Actually, Abby, the above is a fib. I quite often use the term "kid" inappropriately, but I couldn't resist!

DEAR MAGGIE:

'Tis a pity

Chuck Yarham's ditty

Within contained

The very thing his verse disdained.

DEAR ABBY:

There are words in English that irk us all,

From me you'll get no quibbling.

And the one that drives me up a wall

Is when a kid is called a "sibling."

-- RENEE IN ALABAMA

DEAR ABBY:

The only time that "sibling" irks

Is when the kid's a baby goat.

I say English is, with all its quirks,

The bestest language ever wrote!

-- MICHELLE LEE, LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: In response to Charles Yarham's poem:

When I read your little poem,

A gasp came from my throat.

"Siblings" are our kinfolk,

But a "kid" is just a goat!

-- JAMES WICKINSON, RICHMOND, VA.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: I recently sent a wedding gift to a relative and his new bride. I received a thank-you note that made no mention of what the gift was. Both my mother and sister received thank-you notes describing their gifts in detail. I'm wondering if what I got was the code for "we're exchanging it," or if the cards might have gotten mixed up or lost.

Abby, would it be OK to ask the relative's mother what happened? I don't want to sound as if I'm complaining about the poorly written thank-you notes. How do I ask without offending anyone? -- WONDERING IN WATERLOO

DEAR WONDERING: I doubt that the note you received was in "code." Most likely, the gift cards got mixed up or lost -- a very common occurrence. Do not ask your relative's mother. Instead, telephone the couple and say, "I was delighted to get your thank-you note, but I just had to ask: Did the towels match your decor?" That way you will clue them in about what you gave them, in case they don't know, and they will have the opportunity to be more specific in their thanks.

DEAR ABBY: When I saw the letter from "Curious," whose friend Elaine had a nephew who snooped through her things when he came to visit, I had to write because I have the same problem. But what does one do when the snoop is one's own mother?

My sister and I live in small, one-bedroom apartments. When Mom comes from out of state to visit one of us, we relinquish our bedrooms to her so she can stay in comfort; therefore, short of sending her to a motel, it's impossible to put her in a location where she won't have access to personal items.

Numerous times we have caught her snooping through our dresser drawers, cabinets or closets. Apparently, she still feels she has the right to "inspect," even though my sister and I are both adults. She has even, on occasion, brought forth an item from one of her snooping expeditions to ask, "What is this?" or, "Where did you get this?" When confronted, she giggles as if she's embarrassed -- and then she repeats the question.

Additionally, Mom has a tremendous memory for any gift or other item she may have given us, even as long as 10 or 15 years ago. If she doesn't find a particular item she's given us, she confronts us about its whereabouts. She becomes terribly offended and pouts if it had to be discarded or if we just don't remember where it is. These confrontations occur on almost every visit.

My sister and I don't want to put a stop to Mom's visits -- after all, she is our mother, and we are her only family. However, we have begun to dread her visits. Any suggestions? -- PERPLEXED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR PERPLEXED: Unless you and your sister are prepared to form a united front and deal with your mother firmly, her behavior won't change. Granted she's your mother, but you are all adults, and such snooping is inexcusable. Tell her you consider it to be an invasion of your privacy.

When she quizzes you about an item you no longer have, tell her you gave it away because it was no longer needed. If she pouts, offer her right of first refusal, but don't allow her to make you feel guilty or uncomfortable.

As a last resort, you and your sister should consider pooling your money and putting your mother up at a nearby motel during her visits, and having her over only when you can supervise her.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My friend, who is pregnant with her second child, has asked me to give her a baby shower. I don't have a problem entertaining for her, but this is her second pregnancy in two years -- and everyone I've invited refused to attend.

Friends I've talked to think a baby shower is only for the first baby or for babies spaced apart by five to 10 years. Perhaps I would get a better guest response if I didn't invite the same women who were invited to the first baby shower.

Abby, what is the limit for baby showers? How many years between babies, and what is the responsibility of the baby shower hostess? -- BABY SHOWER HOSTESS IN MAINE

DEAR HOSTESS: According to "The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette," a baby shower is not usually given for a second or third child, because the mother already has the essential items from her first child and may not want to put friends who attended the first shower in the position of having to give a second gift.

Instead of a shower, consider a small gathering of close friends at a luncheon or tea. If a guest wants to bring a token gift, an article of baby clothing or an IOU to provide a few frozen meals to the parents after the baby's arrival, it would be a nice gesture.

DEAR ABBY: In response to the gentleman who was married for 54 years and never received a gift from his wife, it is sad that he thinks he is expected to buy her gifts and she feels she has a right to receive them.

My husband and I have been married for 26 years. We have been rich and we have been poor. The gifts we remember the best were those we gave each other when we were poor. We had to be inventive on a budget.

He would go to my favorite beauty salon and buy me inexpensive trial sizes of the little luxuries I would no longer buy myself. They cost less than $10, but they are priceless in my memories.

I gave him one red rose from my yard, a trial size of his favorite candy, a note scented with his favorite perfume telling him a special meal was waiting for him at home in the candlelight. This, too, costs less than $10, but he still brags about it to his friends.

My husband tells me I am wearing his favorite outfit when I am in a sweater and old jeans. I bring him his coffee every morning. We say "I love you" every morning and every night. We kiss goodbye every day, and no night falls without a goodnight kiss. These are our gifts to each other. They cost nothing, but they provide an eternity of loving memories.

My heart goes out to the couple; my recommendation is for them to sit down and talk about all the wonderful reasons they are still together. Forget the old hurts on holidays and start over. It's the little, everyday touches that count -- and they cost nothing. -- CAROL LEDGU, PHOENIX

DEAR CAROL: I agree. The most meaningful gifts are the ones that come from the heart, offered with love. Furthermore, they always seem to "fit" because they are personally tailored to the needs of the recipient.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)