DEAR ABBY: Last night my boyfriend and I ate at a very good Chinese restaurant. The sign says it closes at 9 p.m. We arrived at 8:45, were seated and ordered a small meal.

While we were starting the soup, the server brought the main course. As we began the main course, he brought the fortune cookies and the bill and placed them on the table. He said they were closing the cash register and asked us to pay immediately. At the same time, another employee began vacuuming around us and the other couple who were still eating.

Abby, it's a large restaurant, and they could have started cleaning at the other end of the room. The woman of the other couple asked them if they'd please turn off the vacuum, and was told they were closing. Meanwhile, my boyfriend and I paid for a meal we couldn't enjoy. Had we known they would rush us, we could have ordered the meal to go.

We are late eaters, so we usually ask when we enter a restaurant if they're still serving. Are restaurant closing times generally considered the same as store closings when customers should be out the door at a designated time? What do you think, Abby? -- DISAPPOINTED DINER IN SAN CARLOS, CALIF.

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Don't fault the employees at the Chinese restaurant. The posted closing time is just that, a closing time that should be honored just as customers should abide by the closing time of a department store.

Next time you must eat late, in consideration for the restaurant owner and employees, select a restaurant with a later closing time -- or order take-out.

DEAR ABBY: In response to the letters in your column about domestic abuse -- one from a divorce lawyer in Florida and another from Attorney General Tom Udall of New Mexico -- I am sure they both mean well, but domestic abuse is not cut-and-dried.

Yes, we need to protect women from batterers and free them from arrest when they defend themselves. But one-sided laws that protect only women (battered by men) are just quick-fix schemes -- "sound bite" laws.

Blanket protection for women doesn't address gay and lesbian relationships (like it or not, they do exist -- and they, too, have batterers). Women are also batterers and abusers, not just in lesbian relationships, but also in straight relationships. Men, too, can be victims.

Laws against domestic violence should focus on the abuser, whoever the abuser is -- male or female, straight or gay, rich or poor. Law enforcement and politicians should be trained to understand all the possibilities, and then take educated action to end abuse. We already have too many laws and too many police. What we really need now is more respect for both -- and for one another. -- STEPHEN RANDOLPH, SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR STEPHEN: You make a good point. However, I believe the laws are written the way they are because the vast majority of spousal battery cases involve men abusing women. After reading your letter, I would concur that the laws should be amended so that all batterers, regardless of gender, should be liable for their actions.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I must disagree with your response to "Trying to Forget," the woman who had slept with the husband of a co-worker at her new job. You told her to forget it and treat "Bill" as though she had never seen him.

My husband of nine years had an affair, and we are now divorcing. As it turns out, he was sleeping with an ex-girlfriend while we were engaged and living together 10 years. He also had a couple of other affairs I recently found out about, and I hear he's sleeping around on the woman he's been having the affair with for two years.

The sad thing is that employees of his, friends and acquaintances say he always was a womanizer. I wish someone had clued me in long ago that my husband couldn't be trusted. We have a 5-year-old daughter who is devastated her daddy left, and I had to be tested for STDs and HIV. Because my husband didn't use protection, I may have been exposed to a multitude of diseases.

I'm not sure how it should be done, but this wife needs to know what her husband has been up to, since "Trying to Forget" probably wasn't his only affair.

By the way, I wish I'd listened to you 12 years ago, when I wrote you that my boyfriend liked to go out without me. You told me to leave him. Unfortunately, that's the guy I married and am now divorcing. I guess I had to find out the hard way -- once a playboy, always a playboy. -- NO LONGER CLUELESS, OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR NO LONGER CLUELESS: "Trying to Forget" asked me how she could co-exist in a working environment with "Bill's" wife -- and I can think of few things less conducive to a professional relationship than for one colleague to tell another that she's slept with her cheating husband. Her motives could be misunderstood, and the woman might think it was an attempt to break up the marriage.

As to your own womanizing husband, don't beat yourself up about what you "should" have done 12 years ago. Be grateful that you finally came to your senses and did what you had to do. Some people NEVER learn.

DEAR ABBY: I have a request for "Snapping Away in Greer, S.C.," who always serves as the photo historian for get-togethers. Please stop taking my picture when I specifically ask you not to. You often ignore my request and snap away anyway. I am not being shy; I genuinely don't want my picture taken.

It is beyond my comprehension how these individuals can be so rude and disrespectful of one's wish for privacy. -- WANT MY PRIVACY IN PHOENIX

DEAR WANT MY PRIVACY: It is all too frequently forgotten that respecting the wishes of others is a social grace. When individuals request that their picture not be taken, photographers should resist the urge to pursue it. They should look elsewhere -- they'll soon find a "ham" and then both can both enjoy the camera.

READERS, PONDER THIS: "All great things are decided not by machines or gadgets, but by willpower. Whoever has it will finally prevail." -- WINSTON CHURCHILL

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Loves Him and Wants to Help," whose intelligent, learning-disabled boyfriend needs assistance in reading and writing skills.

Please let "Loves Him" and all your other readers know about Literacy Volunteers of America Inc. This is a fabulous organization that trains volunteers -- ordinary, workaday men and women, not necessarily teachers by profession -- to give reading and writing instruction to adults. (LVA also provides instruction in English as a second language.) All instruction is absolutely FREE. LVA students from both programs have gone on to college, if that is their goal.

Also, please encourage everyone who is blessed with the gift of literacy to consider becoming a volunteer tutor. The training, like the classes, is also free of charge -- and the rewards for enriching another person's life are priceless.

I found Literacy Volunteers of America Inc. in the white pages of my local phone book. -- KATHLEEN TROOST, PORTSMOUTH, R.I.

DEAR KATHLEEN: Thank you for offering a valuable suggestion. I had no idea that so much help was available for people who are learning-disabled. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your reader "Loves Him ..." may find the use of recorded textbooks the answer to her boyfriend's learning difficulties.

For half a century, recorded textbooks from Recording for the Blind and Dyslexic (RFB&D) have helped to make educational success possible for tens of thousands of students with visual, perceptual or other physical disabilities. The largest resource of its kind in the world, RFB&D's more than 77,000-volume library of audio and computerized textbooks ensures all students have access to the printed word.

Whether it's sixth-grade history, high school math or college chemistry, our recorded textbooks give our members an opportunity to get the same information as people without print disabilities. Last year, RFB&D began an outreach program to schools to help teachers, students and parents better understand how to use taped textbooks. We now have 2,452 schools enrolled in our Annual Institutional Membership program, and the number is rapidly growing. We expect to double that number by the year 2000.

Our recorded books are available at no charge. The cost to become a member includes a $50 application fee and a $25 annual membership. RFB&D is a national, nonprofit volunteer organization, headquartered in Princeton, N.J. For more information about our services, call (800) 803-7201. -- RITCHIE GEISEL, PRESIDENT AND CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER

DEAR RITCHIE: Although I have known about books-on-tape for the blind, I was unaware that they could also be made available to people with learning disabilities. Thank you for informing my readers and me. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Loves Him and Wants to Help" to put her boyfriend in contact with the International Dyslexia Association (formerly the Orton Dyslexia Society). He can be put in touch with adult programs or tutors who are trained to address his individual learning disability. The Web site address is: www.interdys.org.

Dyslexia affects about 15 percent of our population, and we need to get the information out that these people need a specific teaching program. -- MARTHA MORGAN, TUTOR, PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR MARTHA: Here's your letter. Those who do not have computers or who do not subscribe to an Internet provider should call (toll-free) (800) 222-3123 to leave a message or obtain a local number for the International Dyslexia Association, Monday-Friday, 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. EST.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)