DEAR ABBY: Please remind your readers that elderly people who live alone can be vulnerable to "caregivers" who take over their lives -- and bank accounts.

I attended the funeral of a neighbor I'll call "John" who was starved and neglected while his live-in "caregiver" took seven to 10 vacations a year. She was gone all day and many nights. She left him sandwiches and liquid nutritional supplements in place of meals, and phone numbers to call if he got sick.

Well, he did get sick, several times, but was too proud to call for help. During the last two months of his life, he was often confused. He died of congestive heart failure from a cold left untreated. The caregiver blamed his death on "fumes" from urine-soaked carpet because John's two elderly dogs weren't housebroken. The truth is, John was too sick to open the patio door, and the caregiver was never there to let the dogs out or clean the carpets.

John changed his will to make the caregiver the trustee and bought her a new car. She is allowed to live in his house until it is sold, and she is selling off the contents of the house. I know for a fact that John and his late wife wanted their sizable estate to go to their elderly brothers and sisters and the county humane society. Their estate is being plundered.

Regrettably, no one intervened on John's behalf. Too late, I learned that every state has an agency on aging and an ombudsman program that will investigate reports of neglect and mistreatment of the elderly.

Friends and neighbors of the elderly living alone must be proactive and contact family or the state if something "doesn't look right." -- NEIGHBOR IN SARASOTA, FLA.

DEAR NEIGHBOR: Yours is a chilling letter. I hope it will spare similar heartbreak to other elderly who are living without benefit of family nearby.

Readers, if you suspect neglect or mistreatment of an elderly neighbor or friend, contact the adult protective services agency in your area. Anyone entrusted with the care of the aging should be carefully screened. The same agency should be able to assist you in locating properly trained and reliable caregivers.

DEAR ABBY: An old friend of ours mentioned that she was coming to town and needed a place to stay. We invited her to spend the night at our home. She and her husband own a buffalo ranch. She asked us if we would like to taste some buffalo sausage and we said, "Sure."

When she arrived, she was carrying a small package of frozen buffalo sausage and her recent wedding video. After a nice dinner and viewing the video, we gave her a wedding gift that we had recently purchased in Greece.

Now, here is the odd part: My wife and I had to leave the next morning for work. We left our guest a key to lock the door when she left. When we returned from work that evening, we noticed a note on our kitchen counter. We thought it would be a "thank you" for the previous evening. Instead, it was a bill for the buffalo sausage! There was no mention of our hospitality or the wedding gift.

Of course we will pay the bill, but enclosed with our check will be a bill for her night's lodging and dinner. Abby, what do you think? -- BUFFALOED IN ST. PAUL

DEAR BUFFALOED: I think your friend left her manners back at the ranch. Forget sending her a bill. When you sign the check for the buffalo sausage, write this woman off as well.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I had to write after reading the letter from "Mom in Denver," who asked for input from other mothers on how to be a good mother:

When I married at 17, I swore I would never have children for fear of abusing them as my mother had abused me. I love my mother, but I may never understand why there had to be so much hurt and pain while I was growing up.

Then I received the greatest gift of all from my mother-in-law: her unconditional love. Abby, she is my angel here on Earth. She has given me all the things I never received from my own mother: patience, understanding, confidence in myself. Without her, I would not be half the person or parent that I am. My mother-in-law is not only one of my best friends, but also the most wonderful "Grammie" to my daughter. I could not love her more if she had given birth to me.

I was 29 before I finally felt secure enough in myself to have a child. Then I realized that I am my own person with an abundance of love in my heart. I now have a beautiful 2-year-old daughter, and my only regret is that I waited so long to have her.

I know I am not perfect, but I believe that if you know love, you can show love. After all, isn't love the most important ingredient in raising a child? After that, the rest will fall into place. -- MOM IN DENVER, TOO

DEAR MOM IN DENVER, TOO: If anyone ever doubted the healing power of love, your relationship with your angel of a mother-in-law should dispel it. What a wonderful testimonial you have written to a remarkable woman. Your letter proves that, although children may be scarred by the bad examples set for them in childhood, the situation is never hopeless, and it's never too late to learn.

Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In defense of the mother who did a poor job of raising the 32-year-old woman in Denver: My own mother (now gone, bless her soul) was overwhelmed and undereducated, raising six of us on a skinny shoestring budget. Both my parents had problems with alcohol. So I grew up with little real parenting, except that I had the same parents all my life, a big family, and we had a home to call our own.

I married, had three children, and then faced raising them alone, for I was one of the early single moms. My three are remarkably loving human beings. Looking back, we had our share of challenges, most of which related to dysfunction, substance abuse and fear of intimacy. My three always tell me they know I did my best. They also tell me when they feel I'm "off the mark," but we all know we have each other and are family.

Kids are remarkably forgiving when they know you're trying to be the best parent you can be. Probably the most important thing is to always say "I'm sorry" and "I love you." It seems to me that those little words go a long way. -- DARBY, MONT., MOM

DEAR MONTANA MOM: I couldn't agree more. No one is infallible. May I add to your generous comments the importance of teaching young children, by one's own example, to respect authority figures such as teachers and police? Children learn volumes not only from what parents say and do -- but from what they don't say and do.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I cannot believe your advice to "A Mom Who Tried in Florida." That woman should absolutely NOT apologize to her mother- and sister-in-law for not wanting her daughter to spend the night with her sister-in-law, whose drunk boyfriend was coming home later with other men friends who had been drinking. That was putting her daughter into a dangerous situation.

Men do all kinds of unpleasant and violent things when they've been drinking. I don't have to tell you that! This mother said she had gotten "ugly" in front of the child and her husband, but that's probably because they were arguing with her decision. I'd put up a fight, too, for my daughter in such a situation.

You'll probably get a lot of mail on this one, Abby. You BLEW it. -- DEBBIE BROWN, ALOHA, ORE.

DEAR DEBBIE: I certainly did -- in spades! And I've received a hail of mail concerning that error in judgment. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: No way does any mother owe an apology to anyone when it comes to the safety of her child. From her own past experience, Mom knew the situation her 6-year-old daughter could find herself in. I am amazed that the child's father agreed to his daughter's staying in a house with a total stranger who had been drinking.

Had I been in her shoes, there would have been no argument. My answer to the child would have been a resounding "NO WAY!" and that would have been the end of it.

In my view, the mother was the only rational adult in the family. -- MARTY ROGERS, SPRINGFIELD, MO.

DEAR ABBY: Obviously you have never been subjected to drunks. They ruin every family gathering. No child should be subjected to such a situation.

The mother owes no one an apology, and her sister-in-law should find another boyfriend. Her choice in men is lousy, and the family should think carefully about their attitude. The family owes the young mother and daughter an apology -- not the other way around.

Abby, I should know because I grew up in a family of alcoholics. Both my parents died young as a result of alcoholism. -- LEVOTA M. MISNER, MADERA, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: You were way off base in advising "Mom in Florida" to apologize to her sister-in-law, mother-in-law and husband for "overreacting" when she objected to her 6-year-old daughter spending the night in the house with her sister-in-law's obviously intoxicated boyfriend.

Since when is it "overreacting" to make sure your child is safe? The young mother should have taken her child home without making excuses and arguing with her moronic husband and sister-in-law.

Apologize? ABSOLUTELY not. -- JOAN LASZCZAK, PINSON, ALA.

DEAR JOAN -- AND THE HUNDREDS OF OTHER READERS WHO WROTE TO TELL ME THAT MY ANSWER WAS WAY OFF BASE: You are right. I was wrong. And to "A Mom Who Tried in Florida": A thousand apologies for my naive answer.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)