DEAR ABBY: I'm concerned about my relationship with my fiance (I'll call him Stan). We are both 20 years old and have very different views on life. Stan is employed part time and is satisfied with that.

I need someone in my life who can help me financially, emotionally and physically. I don't want a man who has no career goals. Stan and I were supposed to move into an apartment together. Now that's been put on hold.

Stan's mom does everything for him, and he doesn't want to move away from home. When we plan to do something, we have to work around his mother's schedule because he is also her chauffeur. If I were to marry Stan, I would gain a horrible mother-in-law. I don't think she is very fond of me, either.

Stan is so in love with me, and the idea that we'll always be together, that if I tell him it's over, he will be crushed.

Our relationship is at a point that I have sought sexual fulfillment elsewhere. My friends tell me that if he doesn't know about the other men it won't hurt him. Should I continue to be dishonest with Stan, or what? Abby, please help me. I desperately need your advice. -- IN OVER MY HEAD IN TACOMA

DEAR IN: Your fiance appears to be far from ready to take on the responsibilities of marriage. Level with Stan -- I assure you, his mother will comfort him.

This should be a learning experience for both of you, and in the future, before you make a commitment, be absolutely certain that you and the young man want the same things from marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I am the grandmother of a 6-year-old boy who lives with me. I have a problem I am certain is shared by a number of people, and I have a solution to offer.

It is very uncomfortable for a parent, grandparent or other caretaker to allow a child to go into a public restroom without supervision. For young boys accompanied by a woman, or little girls accompanied by a man, the use of a restroom for members of the opposite sex after the age of 7 or 8 is difficult for all involved. There needs to be an alternative.

As a former teacher and counselor for people with handicaps, I've been told of situations where someone has been unable to go to some public places because the person accompanying them (i.e., a spouse) could not use the same restroom. With all the talk of accessibility for the handicapped, to my knowledge, this problem still remains unaddressed.

It would be helpful if public places provided unisex restrooms for the handicapped and children under the age of 12 who are accompanied by an adult of the opposite gender. -- THE REV. VIRGINIA L. ANDERSON, ONEIDA, N.Y.

DEAR VIRGINIA ANDERSON: That's an idea worth noting for those planning business and public facilities, but to modify existing theaters, malls, stadiums and businesses could be cost-prohibitive.

By the age of 6 or 7, your grandson should be able to use a public restroom without being accompanied by an adult. Most people are understanding if a young child or person with a disability is accompanied in a restroom.

DEAR ABBY: I am the grandmother of a 6-year-old boy who lives with me. I have a problem I am certain is shared by a number of people, and I have a solution to offer.

It is very uncomfortable for a parent, grandparent or other caretaker to allow a child to go into a public restroom without supervision. For young boys accompanied by a woman, or little girls accompanied by a man, the use of a restroom for members of the opposite sex after the age of 7 or 8 is difficult for all involved. There needs to be an alternative.

As a former teacher and counselor for people with handicaps, I've been told of situations where someone has been unable to go to some public places because the person accompanying them (i.e., a spouse) could not use the same restroom. With all the talk of accessibility for the handicapped, to my knowledge, this problem still remains unaddressed.

It would be helpful if public places provided unisex restrooms for the handicapped and children under the age of 12 who are accompanied by an adult of the opposite gender. -- THE REV. VIRGINIA L. ANDERSON, ONEIDA, N.Y.

DEAR VIRGINIA ANDERSON: That's an idea worth noting for those planning business and public facilities, but to modify existing theaters, malls, stadiums and businesses could be cost-prohibitive.

By the age of 6 or 7, your grandson should be able to use a public restroom without being accompanied by an adult. Most people are understanding if a young child or person with a disability is accompanied in a restroom.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Hurt Bride in Texas," who was upset because her future sister-in-law "selfishly" became pregnant after agreeing to be a bridesmaid in her wedding.

When I was planning my wedding, my 18-year-old sister tearfully announced that she was pregnant after we had already ordered the bridesmaid dresses. I, too, was upset, thinking, "How could she do this to ME on MY special day?" I hurt my sister when I asked another sister to step in for her.

I will never forgive myself for being so self-centered and thinking the whole world revolved around my wedding. My adorable nephew was born a few months after my wedding and is now in college. I'm so proud of him, and of my sister who faced many challenges as a young single mother.

A wedding day is just that -- one day. Family is forever. This bride and groom should be thrilled for his sister. The baby she's carrying will be their niece or nephew, and they will regret thinking of it as something that spoiled their wedding. -- MATURE IN MINNETONKA, MINN.

DEAR MATURE: Your priorities are well-placed. I was surprised at the number of responses the letter from "Hurt Bride" generated. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: That bride-to-be has to be the most selfish, self-centered person I ever heard of. Why can't she be happy for "Sue"? I suspect her real concern is that Sue might steal the limelight on her "big day."

Personally, I think "Sue" should gracefully bow out of the actual ceremony, because chances are she won't feel like standing up in front of the church for an hour. When I was eight months pregnant, I was maid of honor in a wedding -- and I fainted. Talk about causing a distraction! Thankfully, my best friend was kindhearted, and didn't write to Dear Abby complaining that I'd ruined her wedding. -- KATHY PHILLIPS, JOSHUA, TEXAS

DEAR KATHY: I'd say your friend has a healthy appreciation of what's important. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When I saw the letter from "Hurt Bride," I felt compelled to share what happened at my wedding six years ago:

My husband and I both wanted a big wedding that included all of our friends. Shortly after we asked everyone to share our special day, one of my friends informed me that the due date for her first child was about the same time as our wedding. I didn't even think twice. I wanted her in the wedding no matter what.

As it turned out, not only was she nine months pregnant when she was standing up there with me, but my sister-in-law -- the maid of honor -- fell down the stairs the week before the wedding and broke her foot. And the mother of one of my bridesmaids was three months pregnant and green with morning sickness. However, regardless of their condition, everyone was there at the altar to share our special day.

"Hurt in Texas" should be ashamed of herself. -- DEBBIE C. IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR DEBBIE: It sounds as though your wedding was filled not only with love, but also a comedy of errors. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Hurt in Texas" and her fiance need to put "their day" into perspective. How they overcome this hurdle will define how they handle future conflicts. I hope they will be compassionate and understand that a wedding is not a "grand production"; otherwise, they'll get so caught up in the "directing" they'll forget there are other "actors" who have feelings. Even more important, they'll lose sight of the true meaning of the wedding. -- JULIE B. IN ILLINOIS

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter is in her late 30s. She's been married and divorced and has two sons. She is now living with a leech, a man who does not contribute to the household rent or food, and treats the boys like dirt. She provides for all his needs from her spousal support, while her kids walk around with holes in their shoes and unkempt clothing.

When I was a child, my mother abandoned me. She gave me away to my aunt to raise. My aunt worked at menial jobs to keep me clothed and fed. My mother did not contribute to my upkeep. She left the town where we lived. My aunt saw to it that I graduated from high school. She could not send me to college, but she planted the education seed, and when I became self-sufficient, I went to college, worked and graduated. My aunt, God bless her soul, was the best mother until her death a few years ago.

Now I have been abandoned a second time, this time by my daughter. My wife and I discussed with her the living arrangment she now has, told her she should get rid of this leech and provide a more stable home for her boys. We're not telling her not to have any friends or lovers, only not to let them live off her and mistreat her sons.

Based on your advice to others, as I recall, if I ask you what to do, you will tell me to leave her alone and let her live her own life. However, she is not alone. Her boys need more guidance than to have a leech misguide them through life. What's your advice? -- TWICE ABANDONED

DEAR TWICE ABANDONED: What you are reacting to so strongly isn't "abandonment" by your daughter. It's what you perceive to be neglect on her part to properly nurture her children. And you are not wrong if the picture you have painted is accurate.

I advise you to call your daughter and begin mending fences for the sake of the boys. Take them into your home as often as you can -- after school, weekends, etc. -- and since you have attained financial stability, give your grandsons the items you see they need. It is within your power to remedy the neglect if you wish to do so.

DEAR ABBY: This concerns "Hurt Brother in Ohio," who has been given power of attorney by his mother.

I would ask the brother who has the power of attorney to be broadminded in regard to his older, smarter (his words) and angry brother. I suspect a long-standing anger has affected the mother herself, and perhaps all her children. The angry brother may be silent, but I'll bet he has a story to tell.

If the mother is 90, these brothers are not kids. Both of these men have possibly spent years being compared to each other, and it has served neither of them well. It's way too late for the mother to sort it out, if what I surmise contains a seed of truth.

Dutiful brother asked for a suggestion. I have one: Would it be possible for the dutiful brother to force objectivity on the situation by hiring a service to handle the bill-paying and accounting? The service can send statement copies to any and all parties. The dutiful brother could then avoid further hostility by sincere refusal to regard the power of attorney as other than a formality that he need not act upon. -- A READER WHO HAS BEEN THERE IN DENVER

DEAR READER: I'm printing your suggestion with the hope that "Hurt Brother" sees it. It could be comforting.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.