DEAR ABBY: I'm 51 and never married. I'm not bad-looking, and I am not gay. I just got dumped by another girlfriend, which is nothing new. What turns women off are the constant demands of my mother. She calls at least once a day, and I go to her home almost every day, especially on weekends. Dad is dead and there are no other siblings, so I'm the one always on call.

"Mary," the lady who just called it quits, says Mother is abusive to me because I have been trying to get her approval all my life and she never gives it.

Mother "almost" gives me kindness and love, but then she manages to say something ugly or belittling that devastates me. I slam the door and leave in a rage. Then I go back and we repeat the same scenario. Every time I go back, I think this time it will be different.

Mary said I act like a battered wife returning over and over to her abusive husband. She said I'm just as addicted to being abused as my mother is to abusing me. At first I was furious and refused to believe it, but now I'm getting scared that she's right.

I've been waiting for Mother to die for the last 10 years. She is not in the best of health and calls me constantly in a panic saying she's dying. Actually, I think she will outlive me.

Abby, do people ever resolve stuff like this? Or are there some people who can't be helped? I'm middle-aged, so what is the point of anything now? -- MIGHT AS WELL DIE IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR MIGHT: Your ex-girlfriend gave you some valuable insight before she left.

The hallmark of neurotic behavior is its repetitive pattern. Yes, problems like yours can be resolved; however, the only way to break this painful cycle is professional counseling to help you learn to behave like an adult, instead of a needy child, in the presence of your mother.

DEAR ABBY: Now that the wedding season is here, many people planning their weddings will be concerned with the issue of guests drinking during the reception and driving home afterward. I'd like to share how my husband and I dealt with this issue when we got married.

We had an outdoor wedding at a winery that could only be accessed through narrow, winding roads. We were concerned about our guests driving home afterward, and we wanted to find an attractive alternative to the fabulous wine that was served.

So, in addition to the coffee service, we rented an espresso cart service so guests could have a choice of (free) coffee drinks. There was a selection of caffeinated and decaffeinated espressos, lattes, cappuccinos, etc. Our family and friends loved it! The espresso vendor eventually ran out of glass cups and had to use paper.

Our excellent wedding consultant, always mindful of our budget, had warned that the espresso cart service would be "a little pricey," but we had saved wedding costs in other areas, and frankly, the enjoyment of our guests and the peace of mind was worth every cent. -- SAN FRANCISCO BRIDE

DEAR SAN FRANCISCO BRIDE: That's a practical suggestion, and one I know will be appreciated by many brides-to-be. Thank you for offering it.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am at my wit's end concerning a widow at our church. This woman should know better because her late husband was a minister.

Every Sunday, she makes a point of looking for my husband and me, and she's constantly touching and flirting with him. He is very uncomfortable with her behavior and runs the other way when he sees her coming. Many times she waits for us at the back of the church where we pick up our nametags.

Neither of us can understand why a Sunday school teacher so well versed in the Scriptures would act like she does. We can't discuss this with anyone at church, so what would you suggest? If you print my letter, perhaps she will read it and see herself. -- IRRITATED IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR IRRITATED: It seems that you think the widow is "coveting" more than the Ten Commandments allow. She is obviously lonely and probably needs verification that she is still attractive to men.

Since your husband isn't interested in her and you see her only once a week, please show some compassion. And should you happen to know an eligible man, for heaven's sake, introduce him to her!

DEAR ABBY: I've had it with my mother-in-law, who has come to live with us. I recall that some time ago, you printed a letter from a woman who had also been made miserable by her widowed mother who had come to live with her. The writer said she had come up with some rules for herself, which she would observe if she ever found herself having to live with her children.

Abby, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would need those rules, but times have changed. Will you please reprint it? -- HAD IT IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR HAD IT: Certainly. That letter is timeless:

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, when my widowed mother came to live with my husband and me, she made our lives so miserable that I determined that I would never bring such misery to my children if I ever had to live with them.

One day I sat down and wrote myself a letter. In it were some pertinent rules, and on the outside of the envelope I wrote, "To be opened on the day I go to live with my daughter, heaven forbid." I tucked it away in an old book and forgot about it.

I've been widowed and self-sufficient for six years, but I was recently forced to give up my job and go live with my oldest daughter. I've opened that letter, and I think your older readers might benefit from it, as I intend to.

The rules are as follows:

-- Give what you can toward your keep. Any budget will stretch just so far.

-- Keep yourself clean and neat.

-- Remember, it is their home. Be especially considerate of him. He allowed her to bring you here.

-- Give them privacy at every opportunity.

-- If they want to go away on a vacation but are hesitant because of you, offer to visit another relative or friend so they can be free to go.

-- Don't offer any advice or express any opinions unless asked.

-- Volunteer information that they might be too embarrassed to ask for, such as arrangements for your burial, hospitalization, etc.

These rules were written more than 20 years ago. I read them often and am determined to keep them. -- WIDOW X

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Beth," and I are being divorced, and until recently, things were cordial and polite. At first, she was going to remain here in Oregon and allow me convenient access to our daughter, Cathy, who is 6 years old.

Beth tried for three years, with little success, to get her own business going here in Oregon. I must admit that she's tried hard. Now she has received an offer to relocate to Florida and live in the home of a male friend while he is away in the Navy for the next few years. She is involved in a multilevel business and her "up-line," who lives in Florida (not the person who owns the house), has promised to get her set up and on her feet. She's planning to move before the end of the summer.

This morning I asked Beth if she'd consider going to Florida alone for the first six months to see if she likes it. She rejected the idea.

I am staying with my parents now, and they are really upset about the idea of Cathy leaving. My mother wants me to fight it. They love their granddaughter and see her quite often.

Abby, I want this divorce to be amiable. It was, until Beth decided to move to Florida. I suppose if she does move and gets her life together, I could move to Florida to be close to our daughter.

Should I try to control my animosity and allow Beth to go to Florida and tell my parents to butt out? Or should I try to force her to stay here in Oregon? I'm certain that deep down Beth knows that taking Cathy 3,000 miles away is wrong, but she feels she must do it for reasons of self-esteem and economics. -- HEARTBROKEN IN OREGON

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your soon-to-be-ex-wife has legitimate reasons for moving to Florida, and your daughter is at an age when she still needs her mother, so let her go without an ugly fight. I think your idea of eventually relocating to Florida in order to be near Cathy has merit.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Exhausted in Tacoma," who was perturbed with her hospital roommate's visitors, disturbs me. First she said how sick she had been at the hospital and how rude her roommate's visitors were; then she was well enough to get up and go home. Abby, just how sick was she? As a registered nurse with 30 years' experience, I can tell you she doesn't sound very sick to me.

If she had been in the hospital as many times as she claimed, why did she go to the emergency room instead of having her own physician admit her? Also, she should have known enough about hospital procedures to have the floor nurse quiet the visitors down. She should also have known to ask for another gown to cover her backside, or how to use a robe or sheet to drape around herself to go to the bathroom.

I can't be sure without all the facts, but I'm guessing that "Exhausted" is a typical hypochondriac trying to get a few days in the hospital complete with "maid" service by her nurses, while her insurance pays for this "vacation."

No one who is truly sick gets up and leaves for the reasons she gave. And if rest at home was better than what she could get in the hospital, why didn't she just stay home in the first place? -- FRED HOLT, R.N., ENGLEWOOD, FLA.

DEAR FRED: Your reasoning, based on many years of experience, makes sense to me. However, without all the facts, I cannot call that reader a fake, for hers is not the only letter I have received complaining about visitors in hospitals.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)