DEAR ABBY: Our 36-year-old son, "Bill," has just informed us by letter that he is gay. At present, we live on opposite sides of the country, so we can't sit down and discuss this.

Bill never married, but he has dated women and even came close to marriage. He is so outgoing that strangers invite him for holiday dinners. He's a college graduate, but changes jobs frequently. Bill spent four years in the Air Force and is always working out for a healthy body. He is Catholic and respects his beliefs.

My husband thinks we got the wrong baby in the hospital where Bill was born.

How do we deal with this? Can you recommend some reading material that will help us cope? Should we go to counseling or should Bill? Are there support groups close to us? Are gay people able to abstain from having relationships without hurting their mental health or their family? Will Bill be accepted by Christ when he dies? I'm too ashamed to ask my own priest. -- NEEDS ADVICE FAST IN FLORIDA

DEAR NEEDS ADVICE FAST: Homosexuality is not a mental illness, and Bill does not need counseling. However, your husband may need it in order to accept his son's sexual orientation.

I urge you to put aside your feelings of shame and talk to your priest. The church teaches that all people are called to live chastely according to their state in life. For the married that means faithful monogamy. For the unmarried, it means sexual abstinence.

I recommend a document called "Always Our Children," which is a pastoral statement by the Commission on Marriage and Family Life of the U.S. Catholic Bishops, specially addressed to parents of gay and lesbian children. Parents do not have to choose between faith and their children. My sources within the church also tell me that Christ already accepts your son -- so put your fears to rest.

For more information and reading material, and to locate support groups in your area, write to Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), 1101 14th St. N.W., Suite 1030, Washington, D.C. 20005.

DEAR ABBY: I couldn't believe the letter from the mail carrier, and your response, about putting mothballs in the mailbox to deter insects. This is a very bad idea.

Though many people choose to use mothballs in their homes, they are not an innocuous product. The chemicals they are made from, either naphthalene or paradichlorobenzene, can irritate skin, throat and eyes, can lead to liver damage and have been linked with cancer.

Using mothballs in the mailbox would take this product public. Mailed items, which already pick up the smell of magazine scent strips, would absorb yet another toxic scent, especially difficult for those with allergies. And I'm sure there are plenty of mail carriers who would not appreciate getting a handful of mothballs along with their deliveries.

Please retract your endorsement of this ill-advised idea. -- CAROL DAVID, BERKELEY, CALIF.

DEAR CAROL: When I wrote my answer, I was unaware of the fact that mothballs could trigger a violent allergic reaction in anyone. Therefore, I retract my answer.

If letter carriers are concerned about being bitten by insects that dwell in rural mailboxes, a safer method of protecting themselves would be to wear gloves.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Although this is years late, I am writing to thank you. For years I saw the addresses you printed for Operation Dear Abby. I always thought it would be nice to write to someone, but I put it off. In September 1990, when our troops were sent to the Gulf, I decided to do it.

Within three weeks I had a response. My pen pal was a young Marine with a family. I was a working woman caring for my elderly father. Our letters continued for the entire time he was in the Gulf. You cannot imagine my surprise when, shortly after his return to the United States, I received a phone call. He and his family were coming to New York City for a vacation and wanted to meet me.

Ten days later they came to dinner, and our correspondence became a deep friendship. Our two families became one. Over the next few years we spent vacations and holidays together, and we shared each other's joys and sorrows. The phone bills boosted the stock in several phone companies.

My father passed away in late 1995, but I know that our friendship with them added joy to his last years. Losing Dad was very difficult for me, and without the support and caring of my pen pal and his family, it would have been even more so. In my wildest dreams I never expected one letter to have such life-altering results. My pen pal is my best friend.

I wanted you and your readers to know that sometimes the smallest acts can produce the greatest results, and I hope this letter makes you smile. -- NEW JERSEY PEN PAL

DEAR PEN PAL: It has, and thank you for it. Your letter proves that doing a selfless good deed not only helps others, but sometimes rewards the giver tenfold.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Confused in Arizona," a man who has the courage to admit that he is a victim of domestic violence. This is more pervasive than people think.

My personal saga began several years ago, when I went from one violent marriage into another. In my case, I filed charges and restraining orders against both violent individuals. At each point in the process, I have been subjected to ridicule and scorn. After all, only women are abused in this society, aren't they?

At one point, when I was in court on a domestic violence oomplaint against my wife, the judge, the defense attorney and the prosecutor all actually laughed out loud in open court at the idea that a man would file a domestic violence complaint. My wife got off, as you might expect.

Yes, I did end both relationships, but the damage has been severe. Counseling for men is woefully unavailable. There is a cultural bias that only women are abused in this society. All of the literature available for domestic violence victims refers to "he," "him," etc. as the perpetrator of the crime. It's no wonder we're embarrassed to report it.

Hang in there, "Confused." Get out and find a safe place -- but realize that you won't be believed, you will be laughed at, and there will be roadblocks at every crossroad in your recovery process. Thanks for allowing me to vent, Abby. We need outlets for our frustrations. -- NO LONGER TERRIFIED IN TACOMA

DEAR NO LONGER TERRIFIED: It is deplorable that you were treated with such insensitivity by officers of the court. Regardless of who commits it, violence is never a laughing matter.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: "Brian" and I fell in love at first sight as teen-agers. We married very young, but he was the most wonderful, caring, loving man I'd ever known. He treated me like a queen.

We moved far away from our hometown, and I was homesick. I didn't give married life a chance. I acted like a baby instead of the married woman I was and returned to my parents. Brian begged me to stay, but I refused to listen. I planned on going back to Brian and our life together "sometime." Besides, I was having fun being single and partying -- so when Brian flew home to talk to me, I brushed him off. Two months after that he moved in with a woman and filed for divorce. When I received the papers, I realized I'd made a mistake. I wrote Brian a letter apologizing and begging for another chance. He never wrote back. That was 20 years ago.

I have been married to "Charlie" for 15 years. We had some good times together, but about three years ago we started drifting apart. Neither of us cared enough to do anything about it -- and it's to the point where we don't even sleep in the same room anymore. It's only a matter of time until we divorce. I'd be gone already, but I need to pay off some bills before I go.

On a recent trip to my hometown, I ran into Brian while I was shopping with my mother. I was stunned at the strength of the feelings running through me. My heart stopped and I was completely in love again. I could barely speak. My mother did all the talking.

I feel like a love-struck teen-ager. Brian is on my mind 24 hours a day. We never had a "last talk"; we never said goodbye.

I recently ran into Brian again. (Yes, it was a planned "accident.") He was very nice. He's not married, but he's living with someone. I wrote him a long letter, apologizing for everything I did and thanking him for all he did for me. In it, I said if there's ever a time he'd be willing to talk to me, I'd like to. I didn't tell him I love him or want him back in my life, but the point comes across. I want him to know that if there ever could be a chance, I want it.

Should I give him the letter? Please help me. Tell me right from wrong. I have no one to talk to and nowhere to turn. -- IN LOVE WITH BRIAN

DEAR IN LOVE: You are putting the cart before the horse. You owe it to yourself, your husband and to Brian to sort out your present marital and financial situation before telling this man that you are "available." Bear in mind that even if you give the letter to Brian, there is no guarantee he will respond to it in the way you hope.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the lady who asked her ex-daughter-in-law to hand down the family sterling to her granddaughter set me to giggling in memory of my own very wonderful mother-in-law. She had promised to crochet a bedspread for her son and me.

She was married to a man with "itchy feet," so they moved about three times a year, which left her with very little time to work on the spread, but she finally finished it!

Twenty-one years later, her son and I divorced. I stewed a long time about that bedspread. Obviously, I was no longer in the running -- so I wrote her a letter and suggested that she give it to one of my kids or one of her other grandchildren.

I was not prepared for her response: "Not to worry. I unraveled it." -- MS. MONTY MILLER, BUCKLEY, WASH.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)