DEAR ABBY: When we have out-of-town guests, what are our responsibilities?

We provide luxurious private accommodations and meals, which is to be expected. But are we supposed to pay for ALL their entertainment -- such as the ballet, symphony, concert and golf fees?

We invited a couple to stay with us, but where do we draw the line? They will be houseguests for three weeks because they will be coming from a great distance, and this was planned nearly a year ago.

If they offer to pay for anything, should we accept their offer? -- NO NAME OR CITY, PLEASE

DEAR NO NAME: The symphony, concert, ballet and golfing? Your guests appear to be accustomed to the best. The financial arrangements for these activities should be discussed with your invited guests before they arrive and before the reservations are made. If you are purchasing tickets in advance, you can easily ask for their seating preferences -- and which credit card number you should give the box office. Also, if the visitors play golf, with or without you, they should pay their own way.

Since they are staying for an extended period, your guests should reciprocate your hospitality by taking you to dinner at least once a week. You should not have to pay for everything, nor should they expect it.

DEAR ABBY: I read your column regularly and find you to be the voice of reason. On many occasions I thought about writing to you for advice -- and now I am. An invitation to an upcoming bridal shower is what put me over the edge.

Is it appropriate for the bride's mother to throw her daughter a bridal shower? And, more important to me, to include in the invitation a three-page history of the bride and groom, along with the bride's panty and bra sizes? -- HORRIFIED IN THE HAMPTONS

DEAR HORRIFIED: According to the etiquette books, bridal showers may be given for the bride by her friends or relatives -- but never by members of either her immediate family or her fiance's.

I see nothing wrong with including information about the bridal couple for guests who might not have met one of them. However, to include the bride's bra and panty sizes is disclosing far more information than necessary.

I've heard of blushing brides -- but it should be a flush of happiness, not embarrassment.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to add an act of kindness to your collection.

About two years ago, we moved to Alta Laguna Mobile Home Park in Alta Loma, Calif. We had our newspaper subscription transferred.

After three or four mornings, I commented to my wife that the new delivery person was doing an excellent job of getting the paper on the top of our steps right by the door.

Later I discovered that a widow in the park arises at 5:30 every morning and walks around the park picking up newspapers and putting them at the door of all 50 homes.

Abby, the widow is Vernon Stotts (cq), and she just celebrated her 93rd birthday. What a wonderful person.

I hope when I reach her age I am as spry and alert as she is. -- ROBERT J. WATSON JR., U.S. NAVY (RET.)

DEAR ROBERT: So do I. Thanks for writing!

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I think it is important that we never forget the sacrifices our servicemen and women have made in order for us to enjoy our precious freedom.

The following poem was written by a dear friend of mine, Douglas Kamees, a disabled veteran who, like me, served in the armed forces so that freedom might ring in America from shore to shore. I hope you find it worth printing on Memorial Day. -- CHARLES LaMARCHE, NEWPORT NEWS, VA.

DEAR CHARLES: I'm pleased to share this fitting tribute with my readers on the traditional date for Memorial Day. Thank you for sending it.

TO THOSE WHO SERVED

We walk for those who no longer walk,

We speak for those whose voice is still.

We remember those with memories lost,

And we honor those who fell.

The soldiers off in foreign lands,

The sailors on foreign seas.

Marines who died in hand-to-hand

That we might all be free.

The airman who, in lofty skies,

flew bravely into wars.

The men who stayed to watch our coast,

and guard our freedom's shores.

To these brave men and women,

Give honor justly due.

Their ultimate sacrifice guaranteed

Freedom for me and you.

-- DOUGLAS KAMEES

DEAR ABBY: I visited an elderly neighbor recently while she was writing her first-of-the-month checks. She was complaining about an account balance that kept going up, even though she never bought anything.

I was "nosy" enough to ask to see the statement, and I was appalled at what I saw. The woman was being charged for supplementary house insurance she didn't need, there was a fee for membership to an auto club -- even though she hasn't driven for more than five years and doesn't own a car -- and she was paying for credit card protection "should she become unemployed." Abby, this neighbor is more than 80 years old and long retired. If only I had looked sooner, I might have saved her many hundreds of dollars.

Other older people may be caught in similar traps. Abby, please warn those who care about their elderly friends and relatives to investigate when they complain about bills they do not understand. Please do not reveal my name or town because it would embarrass my neighbor. -- NOSY NEIGHBOR WITH A PURPOSE

DEAR NEIGHBOR: Bless you for helping your neighbor. While what you describe may be more likely to happen to elderly consumers, anyone who doesn't understand a bill should either discuss it with the company that issued it or have someone else help them clarify the charges.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee and I are getting married in early September. We are both in our early 30s and this is the first marriage for both of us. We have been planning our wedding since last fall, and everyone, including a number of out-of-state family members and guests, is looking forward to sharing this special day with us.

Last month, my stepbrother decided to get married three weeks after our wedding. This is his third marriage in 10 years. My fiancee and I are upset that he is not taking into account the conflict this presents to our family and friends -- especially those who must make more than one set of travel arrangements. We are taking our wedding day and marriage very seriously and feel my stepbrother's impulsiveness is distracting everyone.

To top it off, we are planning a long honeymoon and weren't even supposed to be in town on the day of my stepbrother's wedding. I'm afraid we'll look like the "bad guys" for not showing up at his wedding. Should I tell our guests they do not have to travel twice in one month? Should we cut our honeymoon short? -- WORRIED GROOM, NASHVILLE, TENN.

DEAR GROOM: You need not cut short your long-planned honeymoon to accommodate your stepbrother's more recent arrangements. It is up to the prospective guests to decide if they can attend two weddings in the same month. Continue with your plans and change nothing.

DEAR ABBY: This is regarding the letter from the patient who objected to the questions she was asked by her doctor's receptionist. Patients should know that doctors, nurses and medical receptionists have heard everything. Nothing shocks us.

A receptionist frequently needs to know a patient's problem(s) in order to know which physician in the group should see him or her. Some problems are not seen by her physician and are referred elsewhere. But you were 100 percent right when you told the woman to discuss her feelings with her doctor during her next appointment.

In the middle of my solo G.P. practice (before I retired), I noticed that my patient load had dropped more than 50 percent in a very short period. When I investigated, I found my receptionist had informed patients calling for an appointment that I was fully booked for weeks, or I no longer saw new patients for various reasons. None of this was true.

When I confronted my receptionist, she told me she thought I was working too hard and should see fewer patients! I had never turned patients away, and I enjoyed seeing and diagnosing new patients and treating them.

From then on, I gave all patients a questionnaire inquiring how courteously and thoroughly my staff and I had treated them -- had they been given an appointment promptly, etc. No signature was required.

My philosophy has always been: Every doctor makes mistakes, but the better and more thorough the physician, the fewer mistakes are made. -- MARK H. HOPP, M.D. (RET.), GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.

DEAR DR. HOPP: Regardless of how talented the health care provider, I suspect that the practice of medicine is like every other business in that the importance of good customer relations cannot be underestimated. However, in medicine it's called a good bedside manner -- even if the patient is vertical.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)