DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have read your column for many years, and we have learned a lot from you. Never did I think I would have to write to you for advice.

Abby, my 28-year-old son, a medical student and a very bright young man, met a young woman about a year ago. Both of our daughters like this young woman, and so do we. I mention this because of the many women our son has brought home who failed to hit it off well with our daughters.

Our son and this girl decided to get married in late March. Invitations were mailed, plans were finalized, and everything seemed to be OK. Seventy-two hours before the ceremony was supposed to take place, we were notified by our son that the wedding was canceled. Despite this cancellation, we drove to see them in the city where the marriage was to take place. Our son was distraught, as was his bride.

He wanted to get married and then get counseling. (The counseling condition was made by her.) She insisted they get counseling first and then get married, if that was still feasible. She had her reasons -- he had his.

Our problem is, the wedding gifts from her friends, and our friends, had arrived. We expected that those gifts would be returned promptly, but neither she nor our son has shown any urgency. Personally, we don't care what she does with the gifts from her side of the family. But we are from the old school and cannot condone this behavior. Both our daughters are telling us to stay out of it. As things stand, there is a possibility that they might marry later.

What do you suggest? How do we act toward our friends? Please help us clear up this mess and please don't print our name or location. -- RED-FACED PARENTS

DEAR RED-FACED: Your daughters have the right idea. Cross your fingers and pray that your son and his fiancee work out their problems in counseling.

As for your friends, if any of them should ask, tell them the truth -- the wedding has been postponed, and if there's anything further to report you'll be delighted to tell them. If they're your friends, they'll be understanding.

The proper thing for your son and his fiancee to do would be to acknowledge the gifts with a short note, explaining that due to unforeseen circumstances the wedding has been postponed. And if it is canceled, of course, the gifts should be returned.

DEAR ABBY: "Lost in North Carolina" wrote, "Please help me..." because she was left with a 3-year-old, no money and herpes when Harry moved out. She felt that no one else would ever want her.

Please reassure her that it is not true. For 10 happy years I have been married to a lady who was in the same situation as "Lost." In the very early stages of our courtship she told me, "A long time ago in a faraway place, someone gave me a gift I am not happy with but can do nothing about." It was herpes. It mattered not to me who, when or where, as I saw a wonderful person who was willing to share her life with me.

During our years of intimacy, I have avoided catching the disease by avoiding intercourse during her outbreaks, and by the grace of God. Every day I find this wonderful woman more caring, loving and exciting.

I would have missed many years of happiness had I turned away after hearing her "story"! -- CAUGHT THE BRASS RING

DEAR CAUGHT: You sound like an intelligent and discerning man who married his match. I wish you both many more years of happiness together.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the advice you gave to "Upset in Tennessee," whose son was unhappy that his live-in was not considered a part of the family.

You are so right about this arrangement not being sanctioned by religions, and that the right to inherit property, the right to collect their Social Security benefits, share in lower cost on insurance and to make medical decisions are not allowed couples who are not legally married. The live-in may even be barred from the beloved's hospital room.

Abby, I have lived with a man for 40 years. We have paid our taxes; raised two fine children who are now responsible, loving, law-abiding adults; volunteered when our community needed us; attended church regularly; and yet we never married.

I have read your column for years and was often amazed by the advice you have given your readers. I seldom disagreed with it. But this time I was astounded by your answer because it stated in print what gays have been fighting for so loudly over the past decades.

Oh, did I forget to mention that my live-in and I are gay? -- SANTA CLARITA, CALIF., READER

DEAR SANTA CLARITA READER: I am in favor of committed relationships, regardless of the sexes of the individuals. I think what makes religious conservatives uncomfortable at the notion of same-sex committed partnerships is the term "marriage." Call it what you will, legally recognized domestic partnerships carrying equal legal entitlements should be available to everyone. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to "Upset in Tennessee," who refuses to recognize her son's "live-in" because the two are not married.

I have a slightly different twist to the story. I am a gay man in my 40s and have been in two long-term relationships. The first was for 12 wonderful years and ended in 1990 when my partner died. When he and I visited my parents at the same time my brother and his live-in girlfriend did, my mother showed my brother and his girlfriend to separate bedrooms, but showed my partner and me to the same bedroom.

My brother was upset and asked, "Mother, why are you making us sleep in separate rooms and letting 'Jim' and 'Doug' share the same room?" Mother responded: "If Jim and Doug could be married, they would be, so in my eyes, they are married. You, on the other hand, CHOOSE not to be married and therefore, under my roof, you will abide by my rules."

Abby, I wish the law and society were as wise and understanding as my parents.

I agree that people who love each other and have a committed relationship should be married, and I wish I could marry the person I love and have lived with for six years. But until society can accept our love, I guess we will have to be without benefit of the "cheap piece of paper." As it stands, if he becomes ill and hospitalized, I may not even be allowed to visit him.

Thanks, Abby, for hearing me out. I wish I COULD "make it legal." -- MARRIED IN MY HEART

DEAR MARRIED: Your mother is a woman with great insight and compassion. And I hope that one day soon your wish is granted.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When I had my medications refilled, I received a printout that advised, "Store at room temperature away from moisture and sunlight." When I questioned the pharmacist, she told me that the moisture in a bathroom may lessen the effectiveness of medications. She said this is true for both prescription and nonprescription drugs.

This was news to me! I have always kept my medications in the medicine cabinet in my bathroom. Isn't that what the cabinet is for? -- QUESTIONING OLD HABITS, MONROE, N.C.

DEAR QUESTIONING: Most pharmacists agree that the bathroom "medicine" cabinet is NOT the best place to store medications, because the varying temperature and steam can adversely affect them. Since most prescription drugs are taken around mealtime, a wiser choice would be to keep your medications in the kitchen -- away from direct sunlight, heat and children -- and reserve the medicine cabinet for toiletries.

DEAR ABBY: As a passport acceptance agent, I would like to inform the public of a beneficial aid for distressed parents who are concerned that the other parent might steal their child out of the country.

A parent may file a Denial of Passport by notifying The Office of Passport and Advisory Services, 111 19th St. NW, Suite 260, Washington, D.C. 20524-1705. The written request must be accompanied with required information, including the appropriate court order document. Further information may be obtained by calling (202) 736-7000. If there is a possibility that the child has dual nationality, that country's embassy or consulate should be contacted to inquire about denial of that country's passport. -- GERI BROOKS, THURSTON COUNTY CLERK, OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR GERI: Thank you for volunteering this helpful, possibly vital information. It's heartbreaking that anyone should need it, but I hope it will bring readers with custody issues some peace of mind.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to correct a statement made by a reader in one of your recent columns. The writer was Thomas E. Smith, Ph.D.

It is not "many" medical professionals who deny that chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome (CFIDS) is a real disease, but MOST of us who hold this view -- and for good reason. There is no evidence whatsoever for the misguided belief that these unfortunate patients have a problem with their immune systems. All the reliable evidence indicates that they suffer from depression.

However, many people still do not accept the idea that the body may be affected by the mind, and the mind by the body. Depression untreated surely causes as much suffering as any other disease. Fortunately, we now have medications that more effectively treat symptoms of depression -- one of which is fatigue. Even those few physicians who do believe in the existence of CFIDS treat such patients with anti-depression medications. -- EUGENE SCHOENFELD, M.D., PSYCHIATRIST, AUTHOR AND COLUMNIST, SAUSALITO, CALIF.

DEAR DR. SCHOENFELD: Other physicians have written to echo your sentiments on this subject. However, whatever the cause of CFIDS, it is a real disease to those who suffer from it, and whatever method is used to treat CFIDS, if it works, then I am for it.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)