DEAR ABBY: I have a 21-month-old daughter, "Jennifer," who spends every other weekend with her father. Sometimes when she returns home, her fingernails are painted. I have tried to explain to my ex-husband that Jennifer is too young for nail polish and it isn't healthy for her. Her fingernails aren't thick enough, and the chemicals could seep through into her skin. I hate using polish remover because it is too strong. Please help me convince him that Jennifer is too young to have her nails painted. -- WORRIED MOTHER IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WORRIED MOTHER: I checked with a pediatrician who told me that while Jennifer is quite young to wear nail polish, there is nothing medically dangerous about it.

It is important for you to remember that you set the rules for YOUR home and Dad sets them for HIS. As long as what's going on at Dad's is not dangerous, you should not interfere. The same goes for Dad and the rules at your house.

DEAR ABBY: The homes in my neighborhood are very close together. Last year a family moved in next door, and they have terrible fights. Off and on throughout the summer, I couldn't help but hear them yell and cuss at each other, and say horribly cruel and painful things.

Winter weather and closed windows have brought some relief, but I dread the approach of summer and having to listen to their fights again. Abby, I know -- I've lived through situations like that. Thankfully it was a long time ago. It is painful for me to hear them, knowing how much they must be hurting to say those awful things.

I have two questions: If they start fighting again this year, is there an appropriate way of asking them to keep the volume down?

And what, if anything, can I do for their children, who bear the brunt of all this yelling? I have never seen any evidence of physical abuse, but I know all too well the verbal abuse they are receiving can be just as damaging.

I know that low-cost family counseling is available in this community. Should I mention it to them? I don't know them very well, and I'm hesitant to do anything that will make the situation worse. Some people might consider an offer of information about counseling as a statement that they're sick or bad, and I'd hate to give them that impression. -- CONCERNED NEIGHBOR

DEAR NEIGHBOR: Before you offer any information, first establish a level of trust and communication with one or both of your neighbors.

A good place to start would be an invitation to join you for coffee or to go walking -- anything to open the lines of communication.

During one of those chats, you might reveal something of your own painful past, and mention that counseling services are available in your community.

And if your neighbor protests that he/she cannot afford professional counseling, tell them that they can't afford to ignore it, and all the reasons why, including how damaging verbal abuse is to children.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have the prettiest girlfriend in the world -- and the nicest, I thought, until I realized that "Gwen" does not understand or respect my favorite sport: hunting.

Yesterday, my hunting partner and I took Gwen with us hunting for wild turkeys, so she could understand the appeal. I explained everything to her the night before, but hunting day was a disaster. She wasn't up at 4:30 a.m. like I told her to be. Then she dressed and fixed her hair and did makeup the way she usually does. She absolutely refused to wear the face paint and camouflage I'd given her.

In the woods, she refused to whisper or walk quietly. Her hairspray attracted mosquitoes and bees, and she wouldn't stay where we told her to. To top it off, when we finally spotted a turkey and got close, Gwen threw up her arms and screamed, "Run, turkey! Run!"

My friend couldn't stop laughing. I am so angry I haven't been able to speak to her since. Abby, how could this woman be so insensitive to my feelings? Now I'm no longer sure this relationship is a good idea. Gwen is good-looking and can cook, but is this relationship worth salvaging? I'm not giving up my turkey hunts! -- TURKEYLESS IN ARKANSAS

DEAR TURKEYLESS: How can you call yourself "Turkeyless" when you brought Gwen with you?

Whatever her feminine virtues may be, Gwen is clearly not someone who's likely to develop a love for blood sports.

If your ideal woman is one who enjoys rising at 4:30 a.m., wearing camouflage while she accompanies you on a hunting expedition, you're barking up the wrong tree. Gwen may look like a trophy, but you've been chasing a decoy.

DEAR ABBY: My 91-year-old great-aunt, "Ethel," and I share a common interest in antiques and collectibles. Aunt Ethel's children and grandchildren have never expressed an interest in what they call "junk." Over the years, Aunt Ethel has given me various items that I cherish. One gift in particular she had had for more than 30 years before giving it to me about two years ago.

When she gave it to me, her daughter, "Sandy," asked her if she was sure she really wanted to give it away. Aunt Ethel said yes, she was sure. A week later, Sandy told me that Aunt Ethel shouldn't have given away the item. I offered to give it to Sandy because I didn't want to cause any conflict, but she refused it because it had already been given to me. She said she just wanted to let me know she was upset about it.

Now, Aunt Ethel has called and said that she's sorry to go back on her word, but she wants me to return the gift. I asked if she is having problems as a result of having given it to me, and she admitted that she is. So I know she is not asking for herself.

My family and friends are divided. Some say Aunt Ethel wanted me to have the item and I should keep it. Others say I should return it. What should I do? -- UNDECIDED IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR UNDECIDED: Return the gift. Whatever the value of the item, it has become an issue, and it is not worth starting a family feud over.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old woman who recently bought my own home and moved out of my parents' house. I am delighted to finally be on my own. I can come and go as I please, entertain my friends and watch anything I choose on television. All of these new freedoms were "issues" when I was living with my parents.

My mother has recently been having trouble with my dad. She has told me that if the situation doesn't improve, she's going to come and live with me. She doesn't ask if she can live with me; she says she's going to.

I have urged her to talk out her differences with Dad, but she refuses. She says it's no use. I've told her that I enjoy being able to live my own life. She said, "Oh, you'll still be able to do that," but I'm not so sure.

Abby, if I say I'm happy on my own, she lays a guilt trip on me and says, "Fine, I'll go live with your sister ... she'll take me in."

I've tried telling her she is perfectly capable of living on her own and mentioned several women her age that we both know, but she gets upset and says I am a terrible daughter.

Abby, am I terrible to feel this way? At 29, I need my freedom. -- FEELING GUILTY IN THE DESERT

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Your feelings are understandable. However, bear in mind that your mother is in turmoil at the moment. If the situation with your father does not resolve itself, consider offering her temporary refuge for a specific amount of time. When that time is up, if she is still determined to live apart from your father, help her find a place of her own, or let her move in with your sister.

DEAR ABBY: When I saw the headline in your column about domestic violence, and read that you had received letters about women who physically abuse their boyfriends and husbands, I could hardly believe it. I thought I was the only one.

I have been married for 10 years. The first five years were great. Then one day my wife hit me and we got into a terrific fight, which she won. Since then, every once in a while we have another fight after an argument and she beats me up. It is awful.

I never told anyone because I didn't have the nerve. I still love her and she makes over me afterward, which is nice, but other times I don't know what to do. I read about domestic violence, but it is always the women who are the victims. Is there any special advice about what a man should do when he's the victim? -- CONFUSED IN ARIZONA

DEAR CONFUSED: Females abusing males is nothing new, and it is far more common than most people suspect -- for the very reason you gave: Men are embarrassed to admit it.

I offer the same advice to men that I give to women: End the abusive relationship. Although there are few shelters for men because it is believed that it's easier for them to leave than it is for women, if you need moral support and suggestions, call a shelter for battered women and inquire if they also counsel men. If they do not, see a private counselor.

Now is the time to take action because the situation isn't likely to change unless your wife gets long-term counseling -- and even then, there is no guarantee the leopardess will change her spots.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)