DEAR ABBY: My husband and I separated last summer. My daughter was living with me, and my son went to live with his father. For months I tried to work things out with my husband in hopes of saving our 22-year marriage. It was impossible.

At Christmas, my son and his father vacationed together, and my daughter and I spent the holiday at home. Two months later, just after my birthday, my 17-year-old son ran away from his father's apartment. It happened the same day he received his report card. I'm not sure if he left because of our divorce, his poor grades, problems with his father or a combination of things.

I pray my son is reading your column today and sees this letter. I want him to know that the divorce is final and I was granted custody of him. To my son and all other runaways: Please call home. Let your parents know you are OK. Whatever problems there are can be worked out. Life is too short to stay away from those who love you. Please make that phone call today.

Thank you, Abby, for printing this letter. I hope all parents in my shoes hear from their children today. -- MOM MISSING HER SON

DEAR MOM: I'm printing your letter in the hope that some of them will.

If you are a runaway, promise yourself that this is the day you will pick up the phone and let your family know that you are OK. If phoning home is too difficult, call the toll-free National Runaway Switchboard at (800) 621-4000. Your call will be kept confidential, and it could save your life.

DEAR ABBY: I recently visited my sister, "Betty," who wanted to take me shopping to buy me a birthday present. I explained it would be better to give me the money so my wife of four months, "Anne," could approve of the clothes I purchased. I told Betty that Anne had pitched a fit about some of the clothes the family had sent me at Christmas. I liked the clothes, but Anne wants exclusive choice in what I wear. To avoid scenes, I give in. She says I'm not accommodating her feelings when I mix up the matched outfits she picks out for me.

When Betty heard this, she became upset. She said that men can be in controlling relationships just as well as women. Betty's first marriage left her reeling from emotional battering, and she said it took years of counseling to regain her confidence. She said the same thing could happen to me -- men are not immune. Betty warned that soon Anne will try to change my eating habits, my cologne, my job, and finally want me to do something about my bald spot. I didn't tell her, but Anne already has.

I never saw our relationship as controlling, but now I am wondering if my sister's advice to "run as fast as you can" is wise. How do you see this? -- CONFUSED ABOUT CONTROL

DEAR CONFUSED: It's not unusual for a woman to want to make a few changes to improve her husband's (or boyfriend's) appearance. However, the way I see it is not as important as the way you see it. Are you comfortable with the changes Anne is demanding? If you don't mind making these concessions, no harm is being done.

However, if you do mind, stop making changes just to please her. You will soon know if there is a problem. And yes, men can be victims of a controlling relationship, just as women can.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I were talking about something yesterday that disturbed her, and me as well. When she called her doctor's office to make an appointment, the receptionist grilled her about the reason she needed it. Sis didn't want to discuss her problem with anyone but her doctor, and considered the receptionist unprofessional and nosy.

Abby, this has happened to me, too. I realize the receptionist has probably been told to ask in order to schedule the proper amount of time for the appointment, but when she refuses to give me an appointment without knowing more than I feel comfortable telling her, that's an invasion of privacy.

I suspect most doctors' receptionists perform this interrogation, but I'm very unhappy about it, and would appreciate your advice on how to sidestep the questions and still get an appointment. -- PRIVACY PREFERRED IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR PRIVACY: Talk to your doctor about your feelings the next time you see him (or her). While I agree that the reason you are being questioned is probably to permit scheduling adequate time for your visit, it's possible that the receptionist needs to practice more diplomacy.

DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your answer to "Alan in Montesano, Wash.," regarding splitting the bill for the cabin to be shared by two couples and a single man. You said he should pay one-third of the costs.

Abby, this has happened to me many times on camping trips. The couples I go with usually think they should be counted as one unit, but I disagree. When you go to a movie, a ball game, or anywhere with an admission fee, the charge is per person, not per couple.

Couples eat twice as much as one person. They use up twice as much space and take twice as many showers as a single, so it stands to reason that they should pay twice as much as the single.

Using this logic, the bill should be divided by the number of individuals, not by marital status. Thus, if there are two couples and one single person staying in the one condo or cabin, costs should be split five ways. -- PAUL DUNN, ABINGTON, MASS.

DEAR PAUL: I give up -- I'm outnumbered. Most of my readers calculate the way you do. Read on for a sample of the barrage of arrows sent my way:

DEAR ABBY: Your answer to whether a couple should be counted as one or two was very unfair. Correct me if I'm wrong, but two people equal two individuals.

I am sick and tired of people getting special benefits just because they are married. As a single, I pay higher taxes and higher insurance rates. I also pay higher rates when I travel because discounts are based on double occupancy. I cannot even use the express lane on the freeway because I am only one person.

Don't get me wrong -- I do not resent my single status. I'm just tired of being penalized for it. -- AGREE WITH ALAN IN WASHINGTON

DEAR ABBY: I am responding to the column in which you asked your readers to define "elderly." I am 13 years old, and to me, elderly means someone who is kind, patient, not in a hurry, and someone who will really listen. When you hear the word "elderly" in the news, I think it gives the story a little more meaning than it would if they didn't use that term. I've met quite a few people who are past middle age, and most of them are very charming and quite good listeners. -- KARL STRUBE JR., GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.

DEAR KARL: You sound like a young man who should be cloned. I'll bet that people of all ages really listen when you speak.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: As the founder of a court program that specializes in domestic violence cases and the author of two books on the topic of spousal abuse, I have performed more lethality assessments of batterers (25,000) than any other professional in the United States. As a victim's advocate, I feel compelled to respond to Jason Larix of Montana, who felt that you exaggerated the number of women killed each year by their husbands or boyfriends.

While crime statistics do reflect that approximately 1,400 women annually are murdered by an intimate partner, these figures actually underestimate batterers' lethality. Many such homicides are never properly classified, while others go unsolved and the victim's relationship to the killer is never determined. In addition, the deaths of many women occur as a cumulative result of injuries received during years of habitual beatings, and their deaths are not reported as homicides.

A significant testimonial of batterers' lethality is the number of family members, friends, neighbors and children who are slain when they get caught in the crossfire of unbridled rage. All things considered, it is quite probable that, as you stated in your recent column, batterers are responsible for approximately 4,000 deaths each year. To realize that such men are responsible for the deaths of 11 people daily is frightening.

As a writer and researcher, I'm concerned that our society fails to recognize that not all batterers are the same. While the nonhabitual offender may be nonlethal and treatable, the chronic offender is often homicidal and beyond rehabilitation.

It also concerns me that while society readily accepts the terms "serial rapist" and "serial killer" to refer to men who habitually rape and murder multiple victims, it fails to acknowledge that men who habitually batter multiple female partners are "serial batterers." The fact is, the serial batterer is one of the most dangerous individuals in American society, and we must stop excusing him and minimizing his existence. -- MICHAEL GROETSCH, KENNER, LA.

DEAR MICHAEL: I agree that serial batterers should be removed from society in much the same way as any other serial criminal. However, I would prefer to focus attention on the part of the problem that is fixable. The majority of domestic abuse comes at the hands of men whose anger escalates from 0 to 100 in seconds. They are not psychopaths. These are individuals who lash out with their fists or the nearest knife or gun at the slightest provocation. If they are willing to admit they have a problem, they can be helped, but only with therapy and programs that place a heavy emphasis on anger management. However, I fear the serial batterer cannot be helped.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MIFFED FRIEND: Clip the following and hand it to your friend who gossips:

There is so much bad

in the best of us

And so much good

in the worst of us

That it doesn't behoove

any of us

To talk about

the rest of us!

(Author unknown)

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)