DEAR ABBY: As the founder of a court program that specializes in domestic violence cases and the author of two books on the topic of spousal abuse, I have performed more lethality assessments of batterers (25,000) than any other professional in the United States. As a victim's advocate, I feel compelled to respond to Jason Larix of Montana, who felt that you exaggerated the number of women killed each year by their husbands or boyfriends.

While crime statistics do reflect that approximately 1,400 women annually are murdered by an intimate partner, these figures actually underestimate batterers' lethality. Many such homicides are never properly classified, while others go unsolved and the victim's relationship to the killer is never determined. In addition, the deaths of many women occur as a cumulative result of injuries received during years of habitual beatings, and their deaths are not reported as homicides.

A significant testimonial of batterers' lethality is the number of family members, friends, neighbors and children who are slain when they get caught in the crossfire of unbridled rage. All things considered, it is quite probable that, as you stated in your recent column, batterers are responsible for approximately 4,000 deaths each year. To realize that such men are responsible for the deaths of 11 people daily is frightening.

As a writer and researcher, I'm concerned that our society fails to recognize that not all batterers are the same. While the nonhabitual offender may be nonlethal and treatable, the chronic offender is often homicidal and beyond rehabilitation.

It also concerns me that while society readily accepts the terms "serial rapist" and "serial killer" to refer to men who habitually rape and murder multiple victims, it fails to acknowledge that men who habitually batter multiple female partners are "serial batterers." The fact is, the serial batterer is one of the most dangerous individuals in American society, and we must stop excusing him and minimizing his existence. -- MICHAEL GROETSCH, KENNER, LA.

DEAR MICHAEL: I agree that serial batterers should be removed from society in much the same way as any other serial criminal. However, I would prefer to focus attention on the part of the problem that is fixable. The majority of domestic abuse comes at the hands of men whose anger escalates from 0 to 100 in seconds. They are not psychopaths. These are individuals who lash out with their fists or the nearest knife or gun at the slightest provocation. If they are willing to admit they have a problem, they can be helped, but only with therapy and programs that place a heavy emphasis on anger management. However, I fear the serial batterer cannot be helped.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MIFFED FRIEND: Clip the following and hand it to your friend who gossips:

There is so much bad

in the best of us

And so much good

in the worst of us

That it doesn't behoove

any of us

To talk about

the rest of us!

(Author unknown)

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Please help me solve this problem. I gave my son and his wife, "Janet," my sterling silver flatware set. A short time later, they divorced. It was my son's fault that the marriage broke up.

Janet received the silver in the divorce settlement. She is now engaged to a nice man, and I wish them the best.

I wrote Janet a letter asking her to please give the silverware to her daughter, my granddaughter, as I would like to keep it in the family. Now she is angry and will not speak to me or return my calls. She lives in New Jersey and I live in Arizona.

Was I wrong to ask her to give the set to my granddaughter? -- ALICE IN PHOENIX

DEAR ALICE: No. However, Janet is probably still bitter over the breakup of the marriage and doesn't want you or your son dictating terms to her.

Write her another note and offer your apologies if she was offended -- as that certainly was not your intention. Then keep your fingers crossed because chances are Janet intends to give it to your granddaughter anyway in due time.

DEAR ABBY: My friend recently phoned to tell me she was writing thank-you notes to all the people who helped her and her three young children after they were in a serious auto accident with an 18-wheeler.

Among those she was thanking was a Tennessee highway patrolman who had given her a traffic ticket the month before because she didn't have her children buckled up.

Every one of them received major injuries even though they were wearing seat belts, but they survived the accident. My friend feels that the highway patrolman probably saved their lives by giving her a wake-up call.

Please keep reminding people to use their seat belts. -- PAULINE MILLER, ATHENS, TENN.

DEAR PAULINE: Your letter provides the perfect opportunity for me to do just that. Consider it done!

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for reassuring "Lost in North Carolina" and others infected with genital herpes that it is an extremely common infection, and one that can be managed. We especially appreciate your telling readers about the Herpes Resource Center.

In response to your column, we have heard from more than 2,000 people thus far who need our help. From past experience, we know that "Dear Abby" readers will continue to contact us over the next few months -- often telling us that they did not know where to turn until they saw the information in your column.

Your support for people with chronic sexually transmitted diseases is very important. Thank you again. -- LINDA L. ALEXANDER, PH.D, PRESIDENT, AMERICAN SOCIAL HEALTH ASSOCIATION

DEAR LINDA: You're welcome; that's what I'm here for.

For readers who may have missed the column and need to learn more about sexually transmitted diseases, or who may be seeking help, I'm repeating the address: Herpes Resource Center, American Social Health Association, Dept. PR85, P.O. Box 13827, Research Triangle Park, N.C. 27709. Please enclose $1 to cover postage and handling.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our beloved daughter-in-law died following an auto accident two years ago. Bonnie was in terrific condition and had entered the Chicago Marathon. While she was still in high school, Bonnie had made it known that she wished to be an organ donor.

When it became apparent that the only thing keeping her alive were the machines, our son was approached and asked about organ donation. He told the doctors to "take all of them." Thus, our daughter-in-law became an organ donor for five major lifesaving transplants (heart, lungs, two kidneys and liver) in addition to skin, cartilage, etc.

Tim has received letters (with names deleted) from the recipients and their families. All are thankful that their quality of life is now normal; some wouldn't be alive without the new organs. This knowledge is the only thing that has made sense in this tragic loss. It has made our suffering tolerable. The slogan says it all: "Don't take your organs to heaven. Heaven knows we need them here."

Years ago, I had the privilege of cheering for Rod Carew in Minnesota. It was with deep sorrow that I read of his search for a matched donor and the loss of his daughter for the lack of that match. At one time, I was a bone marrow donor, so I take pride in the fact that doctors and scientists learn from each procedure. However, they can do these high-tech procedures only if they have donors.

We are all potential lifesavers. Abby, please continue to urge your readers to tell their families they wish to be organ donors, and to be tissue-typed for bone marrow donation. Blood donations are also needed. -- PHIL FAABORG, MIDDLETOWN, IOWA

DEAR PHIL: My condolences on the untimely loss of your beloved daughter-in-law. Your son, Tim, is to be commended for his compassionate and generous response in the face of personal tragedy. Your powerful letter is a timely reminder that April 19-25 is Organ Donor Awareness Week.

Readers, as important as it is to become an organ donor -- if you choose to do so -- it's equally important to make your wishes known to your doctor and the members of your family. Then if an emergency arises, there will be no surprises.

DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from "Retired Military Man," who suggested using our closed military bases for training young people. I am a retired female veteran and have always thought it is a waste to close bases after so much money has been put into them.

Military bases are like small towns. They have everything within walking distance -- grocery stores, shopping centers, banks, barber/beauty shop, medical clinics, gyms and much more. I think they would make excellent retirement communities. Retired folks could live in reasonably priced homes and have the services they need close at hand. It would also provide hundreds of jobs for people in the community.

What do you think of this idea, Abby? -- KEMA AUSTIN, O'FALLON, ILL.

DEAR KEMA: I think the need for affordable, convenient housing for seniors is critical. Your idea has considerable merit.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)