DEAR ABBY: How can people still believe those totally absurd stories about cats smothering babies! Obviously, they don't know cats.

My husband and I had three cats for 10 years before our daughter appeared on the scene. She was born two months premature, and when we brought her home from the hospital, she weighed a whopping 4 pounds. Each of our cats was more than three times her size and weight.

They gently sniffed her, checked her out, and found her to be a nonthreatening creature (just a bit noisy and smelly at times). I'm assuming that because she was neither furry nor feathery, they considered her to be no fun at all, so they ignored her.

Once in a while, I would find one of the cats curled up in a cozy corner of her crib, but only when she wasn't in it. As she got older and more mobile, she considered the cats her "brothers" and dressed those who were willing in her old baby clothes. They seemed to understand that she was just a "kitten" and were very patient with her.

Our daughter is now 15 and would like to volunteer at our local humane society one day -- helping to care for cats, of course.

Let's hope someday soon those silly myths about cats will come to an end. Abby, I don't know for sure, but I have a feeling that those wild rumors may have been started by a jealous dog. -- CAROL A. RICHARDS, NASHUA, N.H.

DEAR CAROL: Your defense of our feline friends is a lovely story. I must, however, report that many of my readers wrote to explain why cats may have been accused of smothering babies -- and it seems to make sense.

Babies drink milk, cats love milk, and many cats have been seen sniffing or licking around a baby's mouth -- probably trying to get a taste of the milk residue. To a panicked parent, this could appear that the cat was trying to smother the baby. Read on for another insight:

DEAR ABBY: Although I have never written to you before, the letter from "Concerned," whose niece is pregnant and has three cats, caught my attention. "Concerned" stated that her niece believes that her cats don't care what is going on around them.

I, too, am pregnant with my first baby. My husband and I also have three cats. They were our "babies" for many years, and to think that they won't notice any change in our home when the new baby arrives is simply ludicrous! We are acutely aware of the emotional upheaval that may occur when we bring the baby home, and having compassion and respect for our pets as well as our new child, we discussed this issue with our doctor, our veterinarian, and a friend who volunteers at a local animal shelter.

Jealousy occurs when you simply abandon your pets in favor of the new child. While never leaving your child unattended with any pet is good advice, it doesn't begin to address the emotional needs of both the child and the animals. It takes a definite plan and awareness to handle it, and it takes both parents (and any other caretaker in the home) to help.

Many steps can be taken to assure a smooth, happy transition. For example, my husband will bring a blanket home from the hospital with the baby's scent for the cats to get used to. Additionally, and most important, my husband and I will provide our cats with as much love and attention as we can.

We want our child to grow up loving animals as much as we do. We consider ourselves blessed to have the unconditional love our cats give us, and we want to return that love to them. If you print this letter, I hope it brings new insight to families with pets and new babies. -- RESPECTFUL OF ALL LIVING BEINGS

DEAR RESPECTFUL: It brought new insight to me, and I'm sure it will to my animal-loving readers. A child who is raised in a home as loving as yours is certain to follow the parents' footsteps. I wish you much success.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: As the mother of a teen-age girl who has chosen to have sex, I urge other parents to look at the reasons their teen is going outside the family for affection and attention. Perhaps instead of feeling devastated by the fact that their daughter is no longer a virgin, parents should explore the other things going on in her life.

The girl should be made aware that because she has said "yes" once doesn't mean she has to say it again and again. There is a growing movement for "secondary virgins."

I urge parents to have meaningful discussions with their SONS about their responsibility in the matter. Teen-age girls should not have to accept the entire responsibility. Not only are 13- and 14-year-old girls having sex, 13- and 14-year-old BOYS are also having sex. They, too, need information and responsible advice. -- DISAPPOINTED BUT SEEKING HELP

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Your daughter did not become sexually active because she was looking for the kind of affection and attention she could receive from her family. The reasons that teen-age girls start having sex can range from wanting to be popular, to thinking it will "hold" a boyfriend, to loneliness or curiosity.

However, I wholeheartedly agree that because a teen-ager has sex once does not mean that she (or he) must do it again.

DEAR ABBY: I know you have been asked this question hundreds of times, but I need some answers.

I am a 29-year-old woman. I am constantly told that I am good-looking, and I wish I had a dollar for every man who has asked, "How come a pretty girl like you isn't married?"

I am friendly and have no hang-ups that I'm aware of, but I just can't seem to meet the right man. I refuse to go out with married men (some have asked). I would like to date more, but I have no idea how to find single, decent men. Any suggestions? -- CLEMENTINE (NOT MY REAL NAME)

DEAR CLEMENTINE: Your question is one I receive frequently. (Too bad I'm not running a dating service; there are just as many men asking where they can find a decent woman.)

One of the first booklets I published is titled, "How to Be Popular: You're Never Too Young or Too Old." The message is as applicable today as it was 20 years ago. In a nutshell: Decent people are found where decent people gather.

Get out of the house and become involved. Enroll in an adult education class, learn to paint or sew, or take a class in auto mechanics or computer training.

Volunteer your services. There are plenty of underprivileged, disabled, elderly and teen-agers who could use a friend. Get involved with your political party, your church or a professional organization.

Take dancing lessons -- square dancing, line dancing, ballroom or salsa. Take up fishing or hiking, or join a gym or health club.

Do some entertaining and ask your friends to bring a friend. Let your friends and co-workers know you're available. If you have children, join Parents Without Partners.

P.S. You may not meet someone eligible right away, but you will make new friends -- and they may have a friend who's perfect for you.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The problem: I am a single woman who was out on a dinner date. The food server, who appeared to be in her early 20s, asked to take our order. Just as I was about to reply, the server stopped me and asked if I had looked at the senior citizen menu.

I told her that it would not be fair to order from that menu because I have not qualified for that discount yet. You would think that would have ended the subject, but no-o-o-o. She pursued the matter by saying, "You only have to be 55 to qualify for our senior citizen menu."

Granted, I will be 51 on my next birthday. But don't you think a person should be allowed to ask for the discount, not have the server determine eligibility?

After she left, I made a joke about it to my date, but I must admit that I was upset about the young woman's remarks, and I am afraid that my embarrassment was noticed by my date. Please tell food servers that everyone knows about senior citizen discounts without being nudged. Could I have handled this differently? -- GROWING OLD IN FLORIDA (BUT NOT THAT OLD)

DEAR GROWING OLD: You showed remarkable grace under fire in dealing with the server in front of your date. She was insensitive and clearly out of line.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is more than 50 years old and the oldest of four sons. He has always been loving and attentive to his parents, and they have always responded by treating him like yesterday's newspaper.

His parents always remember the birthdays and anniversaries of their other sons, daughters-in-law and grandchildren, yet they never acknowledge my husband's existence.

We know that they remember the others because my husband is always invited to their birthday dinners, and we sit there while the cards, cash and presents are doled out, knowing his turn will never come. My husband was so hurt he finally asked his parents why they show such partiality. They said the other sons "needed" what they were giving them, and my husband didn't. Since when do you not need love and acknowledgement from your parents?

We are comfortable financially because we work hard and sacrifice. If we don't have the money for something, we wait and save for it. I feel we are being punished because we never ask for help. It's a shame that because we don't whine about always being short of money, my husband is completely ignored. Instead of being proud of their son, they dismiss him because they think he has money. Even if he has money, he still has a heart, Abby, and he hurts like anyone else.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. -- OUTCAST

DEAR OUTCAST: Your husband may have thoughtless, insensitive parents, but he has been blessed with a wonderfully compassionate wife.

Perhaps your in-laws will recognize themselves in this column and realize that although their eldest son may be doing well on the outside, he is hurting on the inside, and they can help him with a simple gesture of love.

DEAR ABBY: Will you please answer a question about telephone etiquette? If you call family or friends long-distance and their answering machine answers, is it polite to ask them to return your call? -- RICHARD SHOWSTACK, NEWPORT BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR RICHARD: Yes. And if you really want to hear from them, say, "My number is ( ) and please call me COLLECT."

They may not call you collect, but I'll bet they call you.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)