DEAR ABBY: A relative my husband and I had not seen or heard from for more than 17 years unexpectedly showed up at our door and stayed, uninvited, for five days!

Although she was neat, considerate, appreciative and generous, I was angry, frustrated and resentful of the intrusion. What is your opinion regarding this situation, and what would you have done under the same circumstances? -- SUSAN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SUSAN: If a relative -- or friend -- showed up at my door unexpectedly with luggage in hand, I would have taken him or her to dinner (or lunch, depending on the time of arrival) -- and then offered to make a reservation at a nearby motel or hotel.

DEAR ABBY: I saw the letter in your column concerning kissing with eyes open. Well, I kissed with my eyes open -- deliberately. Why? Because I was going with a woman so stunningly beautiful that I didn't want to waste any of her enchanting loveliness.

My standards in female beauty had always been so absurdly high that I knew I had a champagne appetite (what I desired in feminine looks) on a beer budget (what I had to offer). When she appeared on the scene, exceeding my wildest dreams, and went for me in a big way, the thrill of kissing the mouth in the middle of that divinely beautiful face would have been partially squandered had I not kept my eyes open.

I had to train myself to do it, but the practicing was plenty pleasant. Just sign me ... OLD JOHN IN GLENDALE

DEAR OLD JOHN: You are a true romantic. Thank you for including your full name and address, which I dare not disclose. Were I to do so, it would threaten your privacy and create a scene that would rival the Gold Rush of 1849.

DEAR ABBY: Please print my letter, as we will be going on vacation soon.

Every time my husband and I travel to another country such as Mexico, Jamaica or other Caribbean islands, we're asked to bring back duty-free alcohol. The people who make these requests are not good friends -- they are usually my husband's co-workers.

The U.S. government allows each person to return home with two bottles of liquor duty-free. We would like to be able to buy the quota for ourselves and our family, but my husband does not know how to refuse his colleagues.

Please help with a polite answer for these people when they ask. -- NO NAME OR CITY, PLEASE

DEAR NO NAME: Foreign travel by Americans has become so common that it really is an imposition for the traveler to be asked to lug liquor and other gifts home from abroad.

Your husband should smile and say, "Sorry, there is a limit of two bottles -- and those have been promised." Other items are also limited, so the same response should work for almost any request.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Six years ago, I moved in with a man I love very much. (I'll call him Carl.) Four months later, his twin sister came for a visit. It was then that I learned that Carl was married, and had two children from another marriage 12 years before that one. I asked him if there was anything else I needed to know about him, and he said there wasn't.

I worked through my feelings of betrayal, and Carl obtained a divorce. We married a year later.

This New Year's Eve, another sister came to visit. As she reminisced about the family, another child from my husband's past was revealed. Abby, I had given Carl every opportunity to clean the slate years before, so I became angry. I felt betrayed again.

Both his sister and I have explained to Carl the importance of sharing one's past with a spouse. Behavior and attitudes are formed by past events, and it's difficult to understand why people think and behave the way they do without that history. Carl totally disagrees. He insists that love between two people is enough to build a future. He refuses counseling.

Am I wrong to insist that my husband face his past? I am afraid there are more secrets that will shake our foundation, although he assures me there are no more. -- ANXIOUS IN ARIZONA

DEAR ANXIOUS: Since your husband has deceived you and misrepresented himself, I don't blame you for being fearful that there may be other skeletons in his closet.

While I agree with him that love and trust are enough of a basis on which to build a future, he has shown himself to be unworthy of the trust he's expecting you to place in him. Counseling might help him form healthier living patterns -- but if he doesn't want it, it would be time and money wasted.

DEAR ABBY: Four years ago, my husband adopted a son I had by a former marriage. (I'll call the boy Ben.) He is the only father Ben has ever known. We have other children together.

Most of my husband's family refuses to accept Ben as part of their family. They do not consider him to be one of the grandchildren or one of the cousins. My husband's mother tries to treat the children equally, but the aunts and uncles have never given Ben a birthday present and never include him when making references to the cousins.

This past Christmas, the family had the children exchange names. The relatives who drew Ben's name didn't bring him a present. (They did, however, take the present we had bought for their child.) They brought a gift for another child on the list, but when I asked them about a present for Ben, they said they had "forgotten" it and walked away.

My husband doesn't like the way his family treats Ben, but says he can't control them. He says he cannot tell his relatives they must give presents to our son. I want to tell his family that if they don't treat all our children equally, we would prefer to stop exchanging gifts. My husband says if I speak up, it will only start a family feud and hurt our other children.

Abby, this situation really hurts. Ben has mentioned that he knows his father's family doesn't accept him. My husband and I have had many arguments over this. I read your column often and have never seen this issue addressed. I would think this is a common problem among blended families these days. What is your advice? -- ALICE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ALICE: Your husband's family is being deliberately cruel, which is inexcusable. If your husband won't assume the responsibility, you have every right to tell them: "We are a family. Give equally to all the children, or we won't exchange gifts at all."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A year ago my son, "Jeff," married "Sue," a woman with three young children. They were living in a small apartment in an undesirable neighborhood, so I agreed to co-sign on a loan so they could buy a house in which to rear the children. The one they chose is 70 miles from me.

Abby, I have gone to see them only four times in the last 12 months. I make it a point to let them know the day before I am coming. The last time I went, Jeff refused to let me in. I heard Sue in the background yelling for him to tell me they had to go somewhere. Once he made the excuse that the house was untidy. Abby, I wasn't there to inspect the house. I just wanted to see them.

Sue doesn't appear to want any of our family to visit. Two of his uncles traveled 900 miles to see us and other relatives, but when they went to see Jeff, Sue took off with the kids. His uncles didn't even have the chance to meet her or the children.

They have visited me several times this year, without letting me know in advance that they were coming. That's OK with me; they're welcome any time.

I always treat Sue with respect and prepare dinner for them, although Sue never prepares anything for me when I'm there -- not even a cup of coffee.

Abby, Jeff is my only child, and we've always been close. Should I not go to visit my son because Sue is inconvenienced by my visits? Please advise me. -- UNWELCOME MOM IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR UNWELCOME MOM: It's time for you to have a private chat with your son, and when you do, ask him to please lay his cards on the table.

In the future, when you're planning to visit, make the arrangements with your daughter-in-law. That way, there should be no last-minute surprises.

DEAR ABBY: I have good news for the waitress who told you she had to give up on a college degree because "working full time and attending school was very hard. The hours were killing me."

In 1972, the state of New Jersey created a college for busy adults just like her: Thomas Edison State College. No matter where she lives, this woman can earn credit for what she already knows and take courses at home. The college is fully accredited, high quality and very affordable. There is no other college exclusively for adults throughout the United States and for military personnel around the world.

Abby, please let your readers know that there is no reason to give up on a college degree. No matter what the obstacles, we can help.

Please have your readers write to me for information about this unique, nonprofit college created just for them. The address is Thomas Edison State College, Admissions Office, 101 W. State St., Trenton, N.J. 08608-1176. I will personally send them a free booklet that explains how they can complete a degree at their own pace, in their own space, at a cost they can afford. The e-mail address is: admissions@call.tesc.edu. -- LINDA HOLT, ASSOCIATE VICE PRESIDENT, COLLEGE RELATIONS

DEAR MS. HOLT: Thank you for the information on what Thomas Edison State College has to offer. I am impressed that you have been helping students better themselves for a quarter century, and pleased to spread the word about your programs. Be prepared for lots of mail -- e-mail and otherwise!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)