DEAR ABBY: I desperately need some advice. I have been married for 12 years to a woman who is very self-centered. Her main concern is her job. She couldn't care less if we live in a pigsty. She feels that her long hours at work excuse her from any home responsibilities.

I realize that people have certain obligations to their jobs, but I have talked to her co-workers who have similar workloads, and most of them get their work done during regular office hours and don't have to stay late.

Abby, I am ashamed to have guests come to our home. She does clean before her co-workers come over, but otherwise she doesn't bother. You can't even get into our bedroom because of wall-to-wall clothes piled all over. And our children are patterning their lifestyles after hers.

I do more than my share around the house. I am the main caregiver to our children, and I'm the one who stays home with them when they're sick.

To make a point, I recently stopped cleaning. Now no one cleans.

I have talked to my wife about this. She assures me she'll do better, but nothing changes. This has begun to affect my feelings for her. I'm very family-oriented, but if changes are not made soon, our marriage may not survive. Do you have a solution for us? -- TIRED OF LIVING IN FILTH, PHILADELPHIA

DEAR TIRED: Your wife may be living under the delusion that she can be "supermom/superwife," juggling marriage, children, career and housework -- but she has dropped the ball. She is fortunate to have such a caring, responsible helpmate as you. However, it is unfair that you should be left to juggle all of the in-home responsibilities.

Since both of you are working, do yourselves a favor and arrange for a cleaning service to help you with the housekeeping responsibilities. The peace of mind will be well worth the financial sacrifice.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the letter from the young man whose parents disapproved of his love for an older woman with a child. The parents refused to meet the woman.

I recently received a phone call from Emmet Aanonson of Clearwater, Minn., a dear friend who was married for 53 years to Frances, a woman 17 years his senior. He insists that age has nothing to do with love.

In their youth, it was hard on Emmet and Frances because of family disapproval. His family refused to believe that a good-looking 20-year-old man could really love a 37-year-old woman with two nearly grown children.

Emmet said he did love her -- until her dying day at age 90. I was with them when she died, and he is terribly lonely without her.

At one time, Frances was named outstanding senior citizen of our county. Emmet, who was a long-haul trucker, had told her he wouldn't be with her on her big day. I'll never forget when Frances spotted him at the ceremony, and the loving kiss and hug between them. Emmet had driven all night to be with her. Many times, as Emmet and I were with her at the end of her life, she would fight to come back for him.

I promised Emmet I would write to you for him because he wants that couple to know that love conquers all. -- MARDEL SAMUELSON, CLEARWATER, MINN.

DEAR MARDEL: And I'm printing your letter so that EVERYONE will know it.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You have recently been printing items with regard to domestic violence. Although it is not widely known, a new federal law dealing with this issue became effective in late 1996. It is known as the "Violence Against Women Act."

It allows a lawsuit for money damages to be brought against an abuser as a civil rights action, if the abuse was a gender-motivated crime and the crime was felonious in nature. This is important because usually in actions for damages, the individual collecting the damages must pay her own attorney's fee. In civil rights litigation, the opposing party must pay your fees. -- A (MALE) DIVORCE LAWYER IN FLORIDA

DEAR COUNSELOR: Bless you for taking the time to alert my readers to the existence of the federal Violence Against Women Act. I was not aware of it -- and I'm sure it will be news to many people.

Steps are being taken on so many fronts to battle this scourge. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Greetings from the great state of New Mexico. As you stated in your column, domestic violence can occur in any family at any level of our society. And it must be dealt with by an equally broad spectrum of the population.

You asked the pertinent question, "Why is he using violence?" As was pointed out in a previous letter, violence begets violence. It is a continuing message our society sends to all of its children through television shows and movies that use violence, often murder, as the solution to problems.

Until we can change the vision of violence presented as entertainment to our children, there are shorter-term steps we can take as a community to end domestic violence. In New Mexico (in which 46 percent of all female homicides are the result of domestic violence), our Legislature has taken steps to protect the victims. It passed a bill that makes stalking a crime. The Legislature has also passed laws that prohibit insurance companies from discriminating against women who have been treated for domestic abuse, and that allow women to file for protective orders in the court without paying a fee.

These new laws exist because of the dedicated lobbying efforts of the Violence Against Women Task Force, a group of concerned professionals that I formed to address domestic violence and sexual assault in New Mexico. More important, the laws would not have been possible without the participants who shared their own stories -- many painful to relive -- to make us aware of the shortcomings and gaps in the system.

I hope our experience in New Mexico encourages other communities to unite against a common enemy and take action against domestic violence. -- TOM UDALL, NEW MEXICO ATTORNEY GENERAL

DEAR ATTORNEY GENERAL UDALL: You and the legislators of the great state of New Mexico are to be commended for putting those timely laws in place. Perhaps your letter will inspire lawmakers in other states to consider similar legislation, if they haven't already done so. It might save some lives.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY IRISH FRIENDS: On this St. Patrick's Day, may I extend this old Gaelic blessing:

May those who love us, love us,

And those who don't love us,

May God turn their hearts.

And if he doesn't turn their hearts,

May he turn their ankles,

So we'll know them by their limping.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My son is angry. He demands that I apologize because I said his live-in girlfriend is not really family. This is a girl I would welcome as a daughter-in-law, but unless they marry, I do not consider her one of the family.

They are both divorced and think marriage is just a "cheap license and a few minutes in front of a minister." I disagree. I think marriage is very important. It shows commitment that living together does not.

What do you think, Abby? -- UPSET IN TENNESSEE

DEAR UPSET: I agree with you. The difference between a live-in arrangement and a marriage is the difference between night and day.

Marriage is sanctioned by society and religion in every culture. Living together is not. The right to inherit property, pensions and Social Security benefits applies to spouses -- not live-ins, as many people have learned to their dismay. As next of kin, a spouse can automatically make decisions about medical care should his or her mate become unable to do so.

In some states, living together for a specified number of years constitutes common-law marriage. In those states, it is legal and binding. However, not all states recognize common-law marriage.

If this seems more about law than romance, perhaps that's why another term for "marriage" is "making it LEGAL."

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the letter from Mike Smith, who was concerned that Veterans Day is no longer recognized.

I have taken steps over the last year that have done wonders for my mental health. Whenever I hear myself saying, "Someone should ..." I stop and remember that I am someone, and then I do something about it.

If Mike wants his company to put out a memo commemorating Veterans Day, he could write it. If he's not in a position within his company to do it, I'm certain his boss would be willing to do it if Mike gave him a written example of what he had in mind.

If everyone would take personal responsibility instead of talking about what someone else should do, we would have much stronger and more satisfying communities. -- DEBORAH L. BLAND, ROCKDALE, TEXAS

DEAR DEBORAH: Your letter is a wake-up call to personal activism, and I commend you for it. Doing nothing guarantees failure. Success in anything begins with individuals who are willing to take a first step.

DEAR ABBY: I have an autoimmune disease that is being treated by two very competent doctors. Autoimmune diseases are difficult to treat, and most of them have no known cure.

My husband and I recently joined a new church. We met a wonderful lady there whose friendship we would like to retain. Unfortunately, she sells health products and is convinced she can cure my disease if I will buy the products that she sells. How can I maintain the friendship while tactfully refusing to buy her products?

If you choose to print this, sign me ... PLEASE, NO SALE

DEAR NO SALE: Stiffen your spine and tell the saleswoman, "I appreciate your concern, but I don't want to interfere with what my doctors are trying to accomplish." You owe her no further explanation.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)