DEAR ABBY: My son is angry. He demands that I apologize because I said his live-in girlfriend is not really family. This is a girl I would welcome as a daughter-in-law, but unless they marry, I do not consider her one of the family.

They are both divorced and think marriage is just a "cheap license and a few minutes in front of a minister." I disagree. I think marriage is very important. It shows commitment that living together does not.

What do you think, Abby? -- UPSET IN TENNESSEE

DEAR UPSET: I agree with you. The difference between a live-in arrangement and a marriage is the difference between night and day.

Marriage is sanctioned by society and religion in every culture. Living together is not. The right to inherit property, pensions and Social Security benefits applies to spouses -- not live-ins, as many people have learned to their dismay. As next of kin, a spouse can automatically make decisions about medical care should his or her mate become unable to do so.

In some states, living together for a specified number of years constitutes common-law marriage. In those states, it is legal and binding. However, not all states recognize common-law marriage.

If this seems more about law than romance, perhaps that's why another term for "marriage" is "making it LEGAL."

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the letter from Mike Smith, who was concerned that Veterans Day is no longer recognized.

I have taken steps over the last year that have done wonders for my mental health. Whenever I hear myself saying, "Someone should ..." I stop and remember that I am someone, and then I do something about it.

If Mike wants his company to put out a memo commemorating Veterans Day, he could write it. If he's not in a position within his company to do it, I'm certain his boss would be willing to do it if Mike gave him a written example of what he had in mind.

If everyone would take personal responsibility instead of talking about what someone else should do, we would have much stronger and more satisfying communities. -- DEBORAH L. BLAND, ROCKDALE, TEXAS

DEAR DEBORAH: Your letter is a wake-up call to personal activism, and I commend you for it. Doing nothing guarantees failure. Success in anything begins with individuals who are willing to take a first step.

DEAR ABBY: I have an autoimmune disease that is being treated by two very competent doctors. Autoimmune diseases are difficult to treat, and most of them have no known cure.

My husband and I recently joined a new church. We met a wonderful lady there whose friendship we would like to retain. Unfortunately, she sells health products and is convinced she can cure my disease if I will buy the products that she sells. How can I maintain the friendship while tactfully refusing to buy her products?

If you choose to print this, sign me ... PLEASE, NO SALE

DEAR NO SALE: Stiffen your spine and tell the saleswoman, "I appreciate your concern, but I don't want to interfere with what my doctors are trying to accomplish." You owe her no further explanation.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm 22 years old and in college. I had always planned to remain single through my 20s so I could do all the things I wanted to do before I settled down. But seven months ago I met a wonderful 28-year-old man, and after dating each other exclusively for three months, he asked me to marry him.

I was hesitant about giving up single life before I had accomplished all the things I had planned for my 20s, but I loved him so much that I warmed to the idea and said, "Yes." Of course, I shared the good news with our family and friends without delay.

I planned our engagement party and reserved a hall. I was so excited, as were our families and friends. Then last month, he told me he had decided he wasn't ready to get married after all, but he still wants us to date.

Abby, I put so much into the relationship that I feel like I've been the butt of a cruel joke, and I'm hurt and embarrassed to have to tell everyone the wedding is off. While I still "care" for this man, I don't feel the same about him as I did before he called it off. Should I wait and see if this blows over, or dump him now? -- EMBARRASSED IN ELKHART

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Do nothing in haste. Allow yourself a cooling-off period and then see how you feel. Don't fail to consider that there are worse things than being single and independent. One of them is being married to a man who doesn't wholeheartedly want to be married. If he doesn't come around, you can then proceed with all the plans you made for your 20s.

DEAR ABBY: I feel sorry for "Keeping the Peace," who wrote in response to "Charlotte in North Carolina." Both women have mother-in-law problems. I would like to tell you my experience:

Like you, Abby, I love my mother-in-law. She knows that I didn't take her place in her son's eyes, and she never tries to come between us. In fact, my husband is an only child, and she refers to me as her daughter. We have received some strange looks when she introduces me as her daughter and then as her son's wife! To my mother-in-law's credit, even though she wants a grandchild badly and her son and I have been married five years, she is not pushing us.

My parents and my husband's parents get along so well that the six of us often do things together. It's not unusual for us to spend birthdays together, and no one has a problem sharing holidays.

I consider myself lucky, and I want others to know that not everyone has in-law problems. -- HAPPY IN-LAWS IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR ABBY: Of course they don't. However, the vast majority of the people who write to me do it to unload their problems, not count their blessings. I'm printing your letter for all to see that in-law relationships don't have to be adversarial -- and in fact, are often loving and supportive.

DEAR ABBY: Like many others, I never pictured myself writing to you. However, recently I read the letters from women complaining about their husbands. Their complaints ranged from the left-up toilet seats to toothpaste caps to kissing with their eyes open.

I have finally reached my limit. My husband died unexpectedly in May of 1997. Our third child was born a month later. I am 37 and our other two children are 7 and 4. Abby, I would gladly overlook a left-up toilet seat and cap the toothpaste tube every day for the rest of my life to have my husband here. I would kiss him with eyes closed, open, or standing on my head if I could.

To all you women with your petty complaints, I say, "Get a life, get a grip and get grateful!" And just for the record, my husband did not leave the seat up, he capped the toothpaste, and he was an incredible cook who had dinner on the table when I came home from work. -- GRIEVING IN NEW YORK

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our mid-70s. Until recently, we had lived in the same house for the past 40 years. We did a lot of the building and maintenance on it ourselves. It is a beautiful home where we raised seven wonderful children.

Now that we're older, we decided to move into a condominium where there is less upkeep. One of our sons had a job change that brought him back into the area, so he was delighted to purchase our house.

Before he and his wife moved in, we installed new carpeting, new wallpaper and paint, and had some of the furniture recovered -- all at our own expense. Instead of appreciating our efforts, our daughter-in-law is now in the process of repainting in a different color and is talking about changing the carpeting and drapes and getting rid of some of the furniture. We are hurt.

Every time we visit, I notice more things she has changed or gotten rid of. I know her tastes don't necessarily match my own, but I am shocked at her disregard for my feelings and the amount of money she is wasting.

Would you please comment? -- DISGRUNTLED GRANDMA

DEAR DISGRUNTLED: I understand that it is difficult for you to see your cherished home changed, but your son and daughter-in-law are now the rightful owners. It is only natural for them to want to make this nest "their own" by implementing their interior decorating ideas. It is a tribute to you that they chose your home to purchase. Let them enjoy it.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "Young Reader," who would like a new bike but is too young to get a job. Two examples come to mind:

When I was 12 years old, I, too, wanted a bike. I stood out in front of a bowling alley in Point Pleasant, N.J., and I asked every woman who went by with a baby if she needed a baby sitter. I got a full-time job for the summer taking care of a Navy couple's son. It worked out so well they hired me again the following summer. That was more than 50 years ago, and buying that bike meant more to me than the car I could finance when I grew older.

One Memorial Day weekend during the 1980s, I wondered what the youngsters in town would be doing. My two daughters were in their teens, too young for regular jobs. So I formed "Pat Diana's Summer Employment Program for Teens." It matched younger children with senior citizens on a fixed income. Garages and kitchen cupboards could be cleaned, dogs walked -- you name it. I involved every organization in town -- the Kiwanis, women's clubs, etc. Each sent one member to a meeting to learn what we would do. Our library offered their meeting room for our volunteers who met with the children seeking work to find the proper job for them.

American Legion Post 105 (Belleville, N.J.) allowed us to use their premises each weekend to wash cars. The veterans would come in on a Saturday to watch a ball game, give us the keys, and we moved their cars through quickly. It was a time of great fun and of learning responsibility.

If I were sitting at your desk today, I'd tell "Young Reader in Norfolk, Va." to reach out and find those who need help. There must be several organizations in Norfolk that could promote this idea. -- PATRICIA M. DIANA, SOUTH AMBOY, N.J.

DEAR PATRICIA: Thanks for an upper of a letter -- and one that I hope will get parents of eager adolescents everywhere thinking about how they can provide a similar experience for the youngsters in their communities. Having a job is a great confidence-builder at any age.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)