DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 21 years. We have two children, ages 12 and 9. I was a poor husband for the last 10 years -- unsupportive, overly critical, controlling and negative. All this led to my wife's having a two-year affair with her boss.

After I learned what was going on and filed for divorce, my wife asked for a reconciliation. My problem is that neither she nor her boss is willing to leave their job for a new position elsewhere.

I am unable to see how we can rebuild our marriage as long as they continue to work together on a daily basis. She is his executive secretary. Am I wrong to demand that this work relationship end? -- FRED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR FRED: I commend you for recognizing your faults and your wife for seeking a reconciliation.

Good jobs are hard to find, but if your wife is serious about wanting to save the marriage, she should look elsewhere for work. If not, your willingness to forgive and forget may be overshadowed by feelings of mistrust.

DEAR ABBY: I had to write after reading the letter from "Living It Up 'Til the End," who wrote about people refusing to go to nursing homes when they grow old. If she considers herself to be insensitive and cold, then I am too.

My husband and I are both 44 years old. Our children are 15 and 11. I could write a book about the difficult situations we have been through this year with my mother-in-law, my mother, my father and my grandmother. I am exhausted from the constant worry, frustration, anger and guilt. I wish that each of these dear people would have thought ahead and planned for their declining health and abilities. Instead, all decisions have been left to my husband, my sisters and me. No one is entirely happy with whatever decision is made.

In addition to my constant concern for our aging (and failing) family members, I worry about what all this pressure is doing to our children and our marriage. It is almost impossible to juggle everything, and since the problems facing the elders are of a more critical nature, our children and our marriage often have to take a back seat.

I'm making sure my children won't have to go through this hell. My husband and I take excellent care of ourselves, believing prevention is one key to aging well. I plan to keep my will updated, make all my own funeral arrangements down to the last detail, select the assisted living center and/or nursing home I want to go to, and write all this down for my children. I never want to put them in the position we've found ourselves forced into, just when we thought we could start enjoying our mid-life years. -- ANY FAMILY, ANYWHERE

DEAR ANY FAMILY: You are a classic example of the sandwich generation -- and it's no picnic. I'm sure the older members of your family never intended to burden you as they have, but without careful planning such hardships pass from one generation to the next. Your approach is simple and wise. Your children will bless you for it.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: I am the manager of a five-person office. The office hours are supposed to be 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., with an hour (from noon to 1 p.m.) for lunch.

Three of the staff members are older than I am, so it's uncomfortable for me to correct them. The problem is that two of them always come in late. One of them (I'll call her Betty) comes in from 20 to 40 minutes late almost daily, but she leaves at the stroke of 5, regardless. The other (I'll call her Sue) adjusts her hours and stays late to make up the time.

I have a different kind of problem with "Jan." She refuses to listen when I ask her not to drink or eat near the computer. She becomes defensive when I remind her.

Abby, please help me to resolve these sticky situations. Is there a tactful way to get Betty and Sue to arrive on time, and to get Jan to confine her eating to the lunchroom? -- IGNORED IN ATLANTA

DEAR IGNORED: Ask your boss to put the office policies in writing, which may make them easier for you to enforce. Keep in mind that you were made the office manager for a reason, and that these are business relationships -- not friendships. Then, with a clear conscience, do the job you were hired to do.

DEAR ABBY: I was disappointed by your answer to the 18-year-old "crazy and confused" mother who was considering giving her 1-year-old son to a couple at church. You should have encouraged her to exhaust every other option before giving away her child. There are many groups that would help her -- such as the church or social services or volunteers in her community.

As a mother of three, I know the early years are hard -- especially for a girl that young. But it does get easier, and when the children are in grade school, she could go back to school or work to improve her financial situation.

I'm sure she will regret it deeply if she gives away her child. -- JOANNE B. IN FRANKLIN, MASS.

DEAR JOANNE: Your letter is only one in a stack of letters I have received from readers who disagreed with my answer.

However, I stand by my answer. Only the young mother knows what she can handle, and she said in her letter that she is unable not only to support two children financially, she is unable to give her boy the love and care he needs. Since she has found a family at church who will love and cherish him, I think she's doing the right thing. If more people chose that path, there might be fewer abused or neglected children.

Read on for another view:

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for your reply supporting the 18-year-old girl in making an adoptive plan for her son. Our beautiful 1-year-old baby girl, "Katie," joined our family through open adoption, making a situation of loss -- infertility for us, an unplanned pregnancy for her birth parents -- into a miracle.

In open adoption, the adoptive parents and birth parents work out with a lawyer or agency whatever contact they are both comfortable with. With our fully open adoption, we see Katie's birth mom twice a month (which is as much our wish as hers), and her extended family as well. Our baby has another whole branch of family to love her, and they've been able to go on with their lives without regret, being able to see for themselves that Katie is the most loved, cared-for child in the world.

Abby, please ask your readers to consider "open adoption" when making decisions around adoption or unplanned pregnancies. It can be scary when you first hear about it, but I can tell you in all honesty that it has enriched our lives, our daughter's life, and also her birth mom's. Thank you. -- M.L.S., CINCINNATI

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A lady friend and I were recently in a gift shop where we found a wooden puzzle -- the kind you have to take apart and put back together. We both tried the display model with no luck.

In another section, they were selling slices of a delicious-looking raspberry cheesecake. I told my friend, "I'll buy you the entire cheesecake if you can solve that puzzle."

She took the display model to the counter with the unopened puzzles, found one with an instruction sheet inside the clear plastic bag, and began to unroll the instruction sheet inside the bag until she could read the solution. Then she "solved" the puzzle and demanded her cheesecake.

I was upset. Not only had she cheated, what she did was unethical. The implied rule was that she had to solve the puzzle by herself, not with the help of the instruction sheet. I bought her one slice of cheesecake (a big slice), but now she's demanding the rest -- with interest.

We've asked friends, and I was shocked to find that some sided with my lady friend. So now we've come to you -- do I owe her the rest of the cheesecake or not? -- HUNK-A-CHEESECAKE

DEAR HUNK: I'd say you owe her half a cheesecake because she solved the puzzle (but not quite legitimately), and she owes you half a cheesecake because she tricked you.

The next time you order, try a new flavor -- razz-berry!

DEAR ABBY: A former co-worker recently announced that she is getting married in the fall. This woman is in her mid-40s and this is her third marriage. Although she is not a close friend, I called her to congratulate her on the upcoming nuptials.

Imagine my shock when she asked me to host a bridal shower for her!

Abby, I do not want to give this woman a bridal shower, and I feel it was extremely tacky of her to ask me to do so. My co-workers agree. How can this be handled tactfully? -- APPALLED IN COLORADO

DEAR APPALLED: Thank her politely and tell her that you regret that you are unable to host a bridal shower for her. Do not offer a reason -- simply decline.

DEAR ABBY: I have always been curious about something and am wondering if you can provide the answer. What is done with the illegal drugs (heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine, etc.) that are confiscated during an arrest? Are they destroyed? If so, how? -- CONCERNED CITIZEN

DEAR CONCERNED CITIZEN: Good question. I spoke to an official with the Los Angeles Police Department, who told me that the drugs are kept in the police station's property division until the particular case goes to trial. After the trial, the police destroy the drugs by burning them.

WALTER WINCHELL'S DEFINITION OF AN OPTIMIST: A man who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)