DEAR ABBY: Forty-five years old may not seem too old to attract someone of the opposite sex, but I'm not your average-looking 45-year-old. I have terrible wrinkles under my eyes that add years to my appearance. In the last couple of years, I have developed deep lines that run from each side of my nose down to my lips. I've tried every conceivable moisturizer and concealant, but nothing helps.

I know this is a natural part of aging, but I cannot accept that at age 45 I look so old a man won't even give me a second look, much less open a door for me or try to strike up a conversation. Wherever I go, men look only at nice-looking, younger women -- something I no longer am. I have become lonely and despondent at the realization that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life.

I've tried joining groups, doing volunteer work and even taking night classes to meet someone who might look beyond the wrinkles, but no one shows the slightest interest in me anymore. I'm friendly, courteous and approachable, and the proper weight for my height. But I guess you can't make filet mignon out of chopped liver.

If I could do something about these terrible wrinkles, my confidence would soar, and I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my life alone. However, because I can barely make ends meet and cannot afford cosmetic surgery, I see no hope. Any advice, Abby? -- HURTING IN WHITTIER, CALIF.

DEAR HURTING: How we perceive ourselves is invariably telegraphed to others. An intelligent, personable, self-confident person is not chopped liver -- or any cut of meat, for that matter. Forty-five isn't too old to attract someone of the opposite sex. Women do it every day without the aid of plastic surgery. Although your collagen may be waning, what's really sagging is your self-esteem, and as long as you think of yourself as "over the hill," that's what you'll project. Your local library has books on improving self-esteem. I urge you to borrow some of them.

DEAR ABBY: Some time ago you listed the duties of the best man in your column, and you also have the information in your wedding booklet. However, there is a point that wasn't mentioned that I would like to bring out: The minister should be paid when he or she arrives to perform the ceremony. After the ceremony, the minister is a forgotten person.

If I am not paid prior to the ceremony, I usually have to wait for some time -- and then have to ask for the fee. The best man must give the minister the marriage license before the ceremony, and I suggest the fee be placed in the envelope with the license. Then the minister doesn't have to ask for it and may leave immediately if another appointment is scheduled. -- TIRED OF WAITING IN ARLINGTON, TEXAS

DEAR TIRED OF WAITING: Thank you for an excellent suggestion. Combining two duties into one should simplify the best man's responsibilities.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

EDITORS: Spelling of "Tvrdy" in first signature is correct.

DEAR ABBY: I have a suggestion for "Lonely in New Mexico." When my husband and I moved to a small town in Washington, we located a vacant lot and bought it with plans to build a home there. As I walked around the neighborhood, I saw only one person outdoors. I approached him and said, "I'm going to be your neighbor." I invited him and his wife to meet us for breakfast once a week at a local restaurant, and told him that I planned to ask more neighbors to join us.

Little by little, more couples joined us for the weekly breakfast. As new neighbors moved in, I invited them to join us. As the "breakfast club" grew, I prepared a list of names, addresses and phone numbers to share so we would all know how to reach one another.

Now this club also has dinner together three times a year, and we arrange to have entertainment for those parties. "Lonely in New Mexico" should consider taking the initiative to organize her neighbors into a social group. At our meetings, we have discovered who has hobbies and common interests, so we can ask for guidance on projects or company on fishing trips. We have no agenda for the club other than friendship.

We have been meeting for eight years and greatly enjoy our weekly get-togethers. Of course, not all of our 80 neighbors attend every meeting, but enough show up so that a good time is had by all. -- JEAN J. TVRDY, SEQUIM, WASH.

DEAR JEAN: Yours is an idea worth publicizing. Where there's a will, there's a way to accomplish almost anything. You are to be commended for originating such a far-reaching good-neighbor program. I hope "Lonely in New Mexico" heeds your excellent suggestion.

DEAR ABBY: In response to "Caught in the Middle in Connecticut," whose family disapproves of his love for an older woman who has a teen-age child, I would like to give him a bit of encouragement because my husband is six years younger than I am.

When we met he was 28 and I was 34. I am of Polynesian descent, was married twice before, and had a child out of wedlock. Believe me, my mother-in-law was not thrilled with me. She not only opposed our getting married, she was extremely against our having children together.

However, our relationship has endured and strengthened. We have been married 13 years. We have two beautiful children in addition to my son and his son.

Where there is love, commitment and communication between two people, age and past history make no difference. Also, my husband has never been one to let others interfere in his life, not even his mother. After all this time, she finally has accepted me as her daughter-in-law.

If he really cares for his older girlfriend, he should stay with her. It's their future, not his family's. -- TIME-TESTED IN ARIZONA

DEAR TIME-TESTED: I agree that the young man's future belongs to him. However, he may be emotionally tied to -- or perhaps financially dependent upon -- his parents, which is why they are giving him an ultimatum. The choice is his, but I cautioned him about making hasty decisions.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Please remind parents who are divorcing not to forget to have that all-important conversation with their sons and daughters in which they assure them that the divorce has nothing to do with them.

Don't assume they "know." Children need to be told that their parents will be there for them, even though their parents won't be living together. And it's vital that the parents follow through by being available to their children physically, emotionally and financially as much as possible.

My father abandoned my three siblings and me in all three ways. At 44, after three failed relationships, I still hurt because my father never told me the divorce was not my fault, and because he never stood by us. With the help of counseling, I've stopped blaming my father and myself for my failed relationships. I have finally made peace with my dad. I don't respect him or the decisions he made, but I do love him. He is who he is, and I realize now that it's time to get on with my life. -- ON THE MEND IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ON THE MEND: That's good advice for divorcing parents everywhere. As I say in my teen booklet, the real victims of divorce or separation are too often the innocent bystanders -- the children. I tell the children of divorce: "Don't make your burden harder to bear by feeling in any way guilty about the split. Children are seldom, if ever, the cause -- or even a factor -- in a divorce or separation."

DEAR ABBY: I, too, used to silently condemn able-looking people who park in handicapped spaces. Then my husband developed lymphatic cancer at age 39 and needed chemotherapy and radiation treatments.

During his half-year of treatment, he displayed a handicapped placard in his car. Anybody watching him leave his car would have seen a tall, handsome, well-built man in the prime of his life. But the powerful treatments left him so weak and exhausted, he could barely walk across a parking lot.

That's when I realized that not all disabilities show, and if a person has a handicapped placard on the dashboard, he or she probably needs it. -- JULI IN VALLEY VILLAGE, CALIF.

P.S. Three years later, my husband is doing just fine.

DEAR JULI: I'm pleased that your story has a happy ending. I'm printing your letter as a reminder that people shouldn't jump to conclusions without having all the facts.

DEAR ABBY: I was driving home on New Year's Day via California Highway 73, one of the few toll roads in our state. At the collection gate, I followed a black four-door sedan. I thought the young female driver was talking excessively to the collector, but I stayed composed. When I handed the collector the fee, he returned it, informing me that the driver ahead of me had paid my fee and also wished me a Happy New Year!

Abby, a wonderful warmth came over me as my faith in the goodness of my fellowman was for that moment restored. -- LLOYD JONES, SAN DIEGO

DEAR LLOYD: A wonderful warmth came over ME when I read your letter. Thank you for sharing a dandy day-brightener.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)