DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter recently from a woman who didn't understand why people would not want to go to a nursing home when they get old. You responded that "many are hesitant to give up their independence and familiar surroundings" or to "surrender control of their lives," and noted that assisted-living facilities offer varying levels of care that are a more attractive alternative.

There can be a far better choice: A bill currently before Congress offers senior citizens and persons with disabilities the option to maintain their independence and control of their lives while remaining in their own homes -- or the option to choose a congregate (group-care) facility if that is their preference.

This bill is the Medicaid Community Attendant Services Act (HB2020). The bill, known as MiCASA (Spanish for "my house"), introduced by Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and co-sponsored by House Minority Leader Richard Gephardt, would amend Title XIX of the Social Security Act-Medicaid to create a new option called "Qualified Community-Based Attendant Services."

Anyone eligible for a nursing facility or intermediate-care facility services for the mentally retarded would be allowed to stay in their own home and receive attendant care to assist them in their home, workplace, recreation or religious activities. The money follows the individual. It can be used to move out of congregate-care settings or to avoid having to move in. The need for assistance in daily living and health-related tasks will no longer mean that people have to give up their familiar surroundings or their independence.

This bill will benefit everyone who is disabled or will ever have a disability or be old -- and that's everyone. To secure the right to choose, call or write your representatives in Congress and urge them to co-sponsor and vote for this important bill. -- GAIL B. KEAR, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, LIFE-CIL/CENTER FOR INDEPENDENT LIVING, BLOOMINGTON, ILL.

DEAR GAIL: Thank you for alerting me to this pending legislation. The vast majority of the mail I received in response to the letter from "Living It Up to the End" contained horror stories about the conditions faced by seniors when they enter nursing homes. Of course there are exceptions, but the MiCASA bill appears to be the answer to countless prayers. I hope we'll hear more about it in the near future. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As an advocate for nursing home residents, I'm aware of cases throughout the country of abuse and neglect in nursing homes, as well as violations of residents' most basic rights.

Nursing home residents and their families never call me to share the wonderful experiences they have had with a particular facility. They call to report that they were sexually assaulted by a staff member or left to lie in their own waste for hours until someone could change their sheets, or they were refused re-admittance to the nursing home after they were sent to a hospital emergency room.

While some very good facilities provide excellent care, many poor nursing homes violate the law on a daily basis. "Living It Up" should spend time visiting local nursing homes. I'm sure many are neither "clean" nor "pleasant." Until or unless "Living It Up" has resided in a nursing home, she should never pass judgment on those who refuse to consider a sterile and often undignified environment an "option" to living in their own homes. -- ARIZONA ADVOCATE

DEAR ADVOCATE: Conditions in nursing homes will not improve until families make it their business to stay in close touch with the residents, visiting frequently and at various hours -- and taking their relatives out as often as possible to prevent them from becoming isolated. Carrying out that responsibility may not be easy, but it's vitally important.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: As a young parent, I was appalled to hear other parents threaten to call the police and have their children taken to jail when they misbehaved.

I am now in my 80s and I'm horrified to see that the same threat is still being used. I raised five children and taught them that the police were their friends.

It paid off when my 4-year-old son, Larry, disappeared while we were shopping. As I frantically searched for him, I spotted him perched on an officer's shoulder. After having Larry identify me, the policeman laughed and told me that Larry had approached him for help. When he asked my son if he was lost, Larry answered: "No, I'm not lost. I'm here. My mamma is lost. Will you find her for me?" That was only one time out of many that the police have befriended us. I wish you would print something to the effect that law enforcement officers are there to help.

Also, I do not believe in corporal punishment. I have always felt that children are usually punished when parents are angry, not when the children are naughty. As my mother always said, "What you are too stupid to teach them, you cannot knock into them." So I have never had to resort to corporal punishment.

I love your column and your sensible answers. -- FREDA L. DAVIS, KEAAU, HAWAII

DEAR FREDA: Thank you. I agree. It makes no sense to make a child fearful of the very person he or she may need in an emergency. Children who are treated with respect will grow up to respect others. Hitting teaches only that might makes right.

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, a man named Robert wrote to you. He was brokenhearted because a girl he loved would not wait for his return from a mission for the Special Operations branch of the Army. You told him that the lady he lost was in fact the loser. Your kind response meant a lot to him.

How do I know? Today it is I who waits for this wonderful man. I met Robert two years ago on the Internet. I was a single mother living on a farm in the foothills of North Carolina. Robert was living in California. Soon after we met, he was deployed to Guam on a voluntary mission.

With Internet access in Guam, we were able to continue our relationship, which was built on communication and a mountain of faith. We eventually grew to love each other.

In March 1997, Robert flew directly to North Carolina from Guam and we met face-to-face for the first time. It was a dream come true for both of us. Robert and I drove to California to stay with his family while we finalized wedding plans and looked for a home of our own.

Shortly after we arrived, we learned that Robert would deploy again, this time involuntarily as part of a civil affairs mission to Bosnia. His orders were for 270 days.

Today I patiently await his return, when I will become his wife. He is the love of my life and I am grateful we found each other.

Abby, you were right when you said someday there will be a girl deserving of Robert's love and she will have the patience to wait for him. Well, that girl is me. Thank you for your letter to him those few years ago. You gave him faith and now his wait is over. -- AMY IN REDLANDS, CALIF.

DEAR AMY: I'm delighted I could help. My best wishes to both of you for a long and happy marriage.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm 17 and recently made a very bad decision. I'm sure you and your readers have heard of "ruffies," the "date-rape drug." This drug has a very dangerous potential. I was at a party last weekend and decided to try one.

All the stories you've heard about not remembering anything are completely true. You have absolutely NO control over what you do, or what's done TO you. I was very lucky, because I was with someone I can trust -- my boyfriend, who loves me and would never hurt or take advantage of me. Unfortunately, not every guy is like that.

My memory of that night is totally blank. I could have been everyone's toy for the night and not have known it. Luckily, I wasn't, and I learned from my mistake. Please, girls out there, learn from my experience. Don't let it happen to you. -- ANONYMOUS IN FLORIDA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: If your mind is totally blank, how do you KNOW nothing happened? If there's the slightest doubt, see a doctor to be sure you are OK.

According to the Rape Treatment Center, Santa Monica-UCLA Medical Center in Santa Monica, Calif., the following is what young women can do to protect themselves from drugs like Rohypnol ("ruffies") or GHB:

-- Don't drink beverages that you did not open yourself.

-- Don't exchange or share drinks with anyone.

-- Don't take a drink from a punch bowl.

-- Don't drink from a container that's being passed around.

-- If someone offers you a drink from the bar at a club or a party, accompany the person to the bar to order the drink, and watch the drink being poured. Carry the drink yourself.

-- Don't leave your drink unattended, especially when talking, dancing, using the rest room or making a phone call.

-- Don't drink anything that has an unusual taste or appearance, like a "salty" taste or unexplained residue.

-- If you realize that your drink has been left unattended, discard it.

-- Don't mix drugs and alcohol. When drugs are mixed with alcohol, the results can be lethal.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old man who has been married for 22 years. My wife and I have two wonderful teen-aged children.

About six months ago, my wife's niece (I'll call her Rene), whom I had never met, came from another country to live with us so she could go to college in the United States. She is in her early 20s.

For the first few months everything was fine. Now I find myself thinking about Rene all the time. I think I'm in love with her. I travel quite a bit because of my job, and every time I come home it's torture. I have to act as if nothing is going on in my mind. No one knows the way I feel.

If I tell my wife, she'll be crushed and it will be the end of our marriage. If I tell Rene -- who has done nothing wrong and loves my wife like a mother -- she may want to return to her country without finishing her studies.

I have always tried to do the right thing. I never thought at this age I'd be feeling this way. I don't want to ruin anyone's life, including my own. What should I do? -- DESPERATE IN DELAWARE

DEAR DESPERATE: Although it's common for older men to fantasize about younger women, the consequences of your fantasy could irreparably damage at least five lives. Talking this out with someone you trust would be helpful. I recommend a professional therapist, who can help you assess the consequences of acting out this fantasy.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.