DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter in your column from "I'd Rather Be Alone." I agree with what you and she said, but I was disappointed that you let her get away with saying there are far too many verbally abusive HUSBANDS out there. Out of fairness, there are too many abusive PEOPLE. It is a stereotype to think that only men are abusive.

I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 11 years. My wife would yell, scream and swear at me in front of our children. When I tried to leave the house, she would block the door with her body and tell me I couldn't leave. She would belittle me, call me names and berate me for things that she had done.

Years of counseling did not help. She was powerless to change her behavior, and I finally had to file for divorce. Please, Abby, it's not always the man who is the abuser. -- ALONE AND RECOVERING IN OREGON

DEAR ALONE AND RECOVERING: If I implied that only males are verbally abusive, I apologize, for that was not my intention. A pattern of verbal abuse is far more serious than an occasional lapse of temper; it's about controlling one's partner. It's intended to drain the victim of confidence, and its volume increases so that the victim is thrown off balance and reeling from emotional battering. If abusive behavior cannot be resolved with therapy, the sensible solution is to end the relationship -- as you did.

DEAR ABBY: I am a widow. How do I announce my daughter's engagement? My daughter and I want to include her late father's name, but are unsure if it is proper. Is there a correct form for this? -- ASKING IN OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR ASKING: According to Emily Post's "Complete Book of Wedding Etiquette," the wording for the newspaper announcement of your daughter's engagement should be: "Mrs. Bob Smith announces the engagement of her daughter, Miss Roberta Smith, to Alan Jones, etc. Miss Smith is also the daughter of the late Bob Smith."

When it is time to send the wedding invitations, use this wording:

"Together with their families, Roberta Smith, daughter of Alice Smith and the late Bob Smith, and Alan Jones, son of Mr. and Mrs. Mark Jones," etc.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old, well-built woman who is often told that I'm very attractive. I am also gay, and have been in a committed relationship for six years.

At work, men frequently hit on me and ask, "Do you have a boyfriend?" Although the town I live in is fairly open-minded, I don't really want to "out" myself to clients, because not all of them are open-minded, and I don't want to cost my company any business because some clients may be bigoted. How should I rebuff such verbal advances? -- ANONYMOUS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Say, "I'm flattered -- but I'm already involved with someone."

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired psychiatrist who became blind as a result of a gunshot wound during a burglary in my home. Since that time I have relied on my guide dog, Alder, to maintain my independence. I was very pleased to see the letter in your column from Carl Augusto of the American Foundation for the Blind, which gave people tips on what sighted people should do when they meet a blind person. I'd like to add a few points that weren't covered, specifically about what people should and should not do when meeting a blind person with a guide dog.

Alder is a friendly 3-year-old black lab, and people's first inclination is to pet him. However, when guide dogs are working, they are responsible for the safety of their masters. Petting, distracting, or worse, feeding guide dogs while they are working can be very dangerous. A distracted dog may lead its master into a harmful situation. Also, if you see a blind person with a guide dog whom you suspect may need assistance, please ask that person first. He or she can tell you how to safely provide help without interfering with the dog.

Abby, thank you for giving me this opportunity to let people know about a subject that is so important to those of us who rely on our guide dogs. -- JOHN PHELAN, M.D., WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CALIF.

DEAR DR. PHELAN: I'm passing along the message. A person walking with a guide dog should not be mistaken for someone taking a stroll with a pet. The animal is working and should not be petted.

It's fine to comment that the dog is beautiful, dutiful or well-trained. But anything beyond that could be seriously distracting.

DEAR ABBY: I've been married to the greatest man for the last eight years. We have only one problem. Because he's an avid golfer and I'm not, he promised me, before we were married, one vacation each year anywhere in the world. The choice is entirely mine to make.

Our travels so far have included India, Nepal, Vietnam, etc. In October, we have a cruise scheduled to the Middle East (Oman, Yemen, United Arab Emirates and Kuwait.) Abby, he absolutely refuses to go! The cruise line assures me that they won't sail if the Persian Gulf is not safe.

My husband reads only the sports section and your column in our local paper, so I know he'll see your answer. Shouldn't he keep his premarital travel agreement? Please advise. -- RESTLESS IN RANCHO MIRAGE

DEAR RESTLESS: The U.S. government issues travel advisories to alert American tourists when certain countries are experiencing a political climate that might be dangerous to them. Your travel agent should be able to reassure your husband that he won't be cruising into hostile waters.

However, that may not be the core issue. Regardless of the premarital agreement, joint vacations are meant to be enjoyed by both parties. Since you have the money, surely there is some other area of the world you could visit that you would both enjoy without one party being fearful. Why not negotiate?

DEAR ABBY: Approximately 12 years ago, a close male friend had a little too much to drink. I offered him a place to spend the night -- the other side of my bed. Nothing happened between us. We just slept in the same bed. A few weeks later, my friend introduced me to my future husband. We have been happily married for 10 years.

Recently my husband and some buddies at work were discussing the things women tell their husbands. He mentioned the above situation. None of the men believed this could happen, so now my husband does not believe me.

How many of your readers have had a similar experience? I would love to prove his buddies wrong. -- CLEARING MY NAME, NOT MY CONSCIENCE

DEAR CLEARING: Many men and women have shared a bed all night and nothing has happened. This includes married couples. Trust me. Readers, I welcome your input.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the woman who complained about clapping in church: She should relax and enjoy. Worship doesn't have to be a somber and expressionless experience. The Psalmist tells us, "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord."

Black churches are renowned for their dynamic expressions of faith. What's wrong with church members expressing their enjoyment of worship? Amen and hallelujah!

When the choir or soloists use their God-given talents in a worship service, worshipers should be free to express their appreciation. We clap at the church I attend. Yes, there are a few silent types who seem shocked at the vocal majority, but most of us believe there's nothing wrong with showing our appreciation to those who use their God-given musical talents for the rest of us to enjoy. -- NANCY WHITFORD, CHAMPAIGN, ILL.

DEAR NANCY: The majority of those who have written to me about clapping in church approve of the practice, although until recently it was considered improper. I see nothing wrong with thanking talented people with a round of applause for the religious inspiration they provide. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: While I would not care to have a solo or choir selection interrupted, I believe applause is an affirmation of praise from the congregation to God -- another form of the shouted "Amen!" that's often heard in some congregations. -- JACK M. HARDWICK, ARLINGTON, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I have been an Episcopal priest for 33 years, ministering to the "frozen chosen," as others call us. I began ministerial life as a cleric, believing in the rectitude of proper demeanor in worship. This meant that a show of joy or emotion was forbidden.

After years of looking out at the congregation and seeing frustration on the faces of those who wanted to join in an expression of appreciation for some moving sermon, reading, choir anthem or instrumental piece, I have been converted. In the Old Testament worshipers are taught: Clap your hands, all you peoples; shout to God with loud songs of joy (Psalms 47:1). In other passages, all of creation is to praise God with clapping and singing. Psalm 98:8 says: Let floods clap their hands; let the hills sing together for joy. In Isaiah 55:12, we read: For you shall go out in joy, and be led back in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall burst into song, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

Lest this be biased in favor of the positive, clapping was also used to show negative feelings. One example, Lamentations 2:15 tells us: All who pass along the way clap their hands at you; they hiss and wag their heads at the daughter of Jerusalem.

Freedom to express joy and appreciation is especially important when the young join us. They need to know they are welcomed in worship. -- RONALD C. BAUER, RECTOR, SAN JUAN CAPISTRANO, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I am having a difficult time trying to find the correct name for a function, and I'm asking for your help. The function I'm referring to is a get-together where food is served after a funeral and burial. Generally it is held at a church social hall or a community center.

Thank you, Abby. I'm waiting for your reply. -- EDWARD C. HOGGE, BENA, VA.

DEAR EDWARD: There is no specific term for it. In the Jewish religion, it's called "sitting shiva" -- and during that week-long period, friends and relatives bring food to the bereaved family. In the Christian religions, it might be called a wake, a repast, a memorial lunch or dinner, a reception -- or simply a gathering.

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