DEAR READERS: Last year I printed a letter from a California mother who wanted to share a letter she and her husband had received from their daughter the night before her wedding. It read:

"Dearest Parents: On our wedding day, as my husband and I take our vows and make promises to each other, I make this promise to you as well. Even as I take him into my heart and life, I promise to keep you, parents dear, in my heart and life always.

"On this day, know that our love is not divided; it is multiplied, and you are embraced with the full measure of love and promises that he and I share here today.

"For I know that I am able to love and cherish him so much because you loved and cherished me first."

I recently received the following letter from a Waterford, Mich., reader. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You published a letter a couple received as a gift from their daughter the night before her wedding, and you responded that it was a beautiful tribute to them and that they had raised a winner.

I wept when I read the words of the letter, as I did when I first wrote them a few years ago. I am an owner of the Victoria Wedding Chapel in Waterford, Mich. The tribute was written by me with my own precious mother in mind -- to sell as a scroll to brides at my chapel.

It is now also sold by I Do Ltd., a mail-order firm in Newport Beach, Calif., from whom I receive royalties.

Although the California bride may have copied my words, it does not diminish her sincerity, for I have always known that the thousands of brides across the country who have purchased my scroll must have an extraordinary love and appreciation for their mothers or parents.

I wrote not so much to claim credit for the words, but because my own dear parents, Florence and Edwin Ostrander of Pontiac, Mich., both now gone, deserve the ultimate tribute. Indeed, I am a winner, for they instilled in me such love and gratitude that I was able to write words that touch the hearts of many brides, and among the thousands of letters you receive, touched you as well.

Abby, please set things straight, and let the world know about my wonderful parents. -- SHARON OSTRANDER REED

DEAR SHARON: Please accept my apology for any pain that was caused you because someone else claimed credit for your beautiful essay. Your parents raised a very special daughter, and your words have inspired countless brides and deeply touched their parents.

Readers who quote the writings of others should always remember to credit the author.

DEAR ABBY: I grew up with a very old-fashioned mother. Living with someone before marriage was against her rules. How I wish I had broken that rule and lived with my first husband before I married him. We dated for five years, but after our wedding I discovered that I really didn't know very much about him. Besides being a total slob, he used drugs. I didn't know that before I lived with him.

I divorced him and am now married to a wonderful man who is neat, sweet and drug-free. We were engaged after dating eight months and were married six months later. Yes, Abby, I lived with him first, and this time I knew what I was getting into. After the experience I had with my first marriage, even my old-fashioned mother approved of my "trial run." -- HAPPY THE SECOND TIME AROUND, SAVANNAH, GA.

DEAR HAPPY: I'm from your mother's generation. However, if you are happy and she approves, who am I to criticize a winning combination?

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I need to get something off my chest. Here is my problem: friends upset about not being asked to be my bridesmaids; family angry about who is giving the bridal shower; being interrogated about why I'm not changing my name; and parents insisting on inviting so many additional guests that we had to reserve a larger reception hall than the one indicated on our invitations.

Abby, rarely do people wish us well. It seems they just want to control some aspect of this event. I am so fed up with this nonsense that I wish we had eloped. We discussed doing that last week -- but some of the guests had already purchased nonrefundable plane tickets, so we could not in good conscience cancel the wedding.

Abby, please tell people who have the uncontrollable urge to meddle and complain about other people's weddings to back off, stay home, bite their tongues, and reserve their negativity for their own lives. Speaking for my fiance and myself, only those who wish to celebrate our joy and love should honor us with their presence on our wedding day. -- WISH WE'D ELOPED IN PENNSYLVANIA

P.S. Thanks for listening. I feel better already.

DEAR WISH WE'D ELOPED: That's what I'm here for, and I'm pleased that venting your feelings provided relief from your pre-wedding stress. The reason that etiquette books are such enduring sellers is because emotions often reach a fever pitch during "milestone events," and they provide guidance as people negotiate their way through the social minefield.

In your case, since the plans have already been made, I would urge tolerance for those who are second-guessing your choices. It's your day and your wishes should prevail; however, the fewer hurt feelings in the wake of this event, the better for you and your husband in the long run.

DEAR ABBY: I am in a heartbreaking predicament. I have been married to "Steve" for three years. I knew shortly after the wedding that I had made a mistake. I am not in love with Steve, even though he is a good man. I don't think he loves me either.

About nine months ago, because I was miserable and had sunk into a deep depression, I tried unsuccessfully to end the marriage. Steve and I were separated for about six months.

The problem is my family thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. During our separation, they were closer to him than they were to me. He and I never attended church when we were married, yet when we separated, Steve joined my parents' church and shows up there every time the doors are open. He has everyone convinced, including my family, that he is perfect. In private, he is far from perfect.

After six months of separation, my family convinced me to go back and try again. We have been together for three months, and I'm more miserable than ever. I desperately want out -- to get on with my life -- but I fear I may lose my family. They are convinced I am completely in the wrong.

I used to be an outgoing person, but I am beginning to feel suicidal. I haven't left my home more than 10 times in the last three months. How can I convince my family that I must get out of this marriage? -- MISERABLY MARRIED

DEAR MISERABLY MARRIED: The only person you must convince is yourself, and you have already done that. While your family may be captivated by Steve, it is probably because they think he can make you happy.

It may take time, but when you family sees you blossom into the outgoing woman they once knew (without Steve), they will understand that no matter how much they liked him, Steve was not right for you.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Crushed in Arlington, Texas," regarding her fiance's constant complaints about her cooking, struck a note with me.

Several years ago, I, too, was involved with a man who did not like my cooking. I was shocked and hurt by his criticisms. Like "Crushed," I tried altering the recipes to correct the faults he pointed out, but he always found something else to criticize. I eventually understood that his complaints were his way of expressing dissatisfaction with ME, and he didn't have the nerve to address the real issues directly. Needless to say, I sent him on his way -- without a doggy bag.

Abby, your advice to "Crushed" missed the point. Instead of giving up or restricting an activity she loves, she should question whether her fiance's criticisms mask some deeper misgivings he has about their relationship. Perhaps he controls others through fault-finding, or cannot admit that she has talents and skills to match his own. If so, the issue must be dealt with before they marry, because it won't improve with time. She may be trying to please someone who, for some reason, can never be pleased. Abby, she needs to know that now, not later. -- STILL COOKING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR STILL COOKING: I've been peppered with salty letters from readers roasting me for not reading between the lines of the letter from that frustrated young woman. And after reading your letter and the others that have come in, I've decided that perhaps my original answer could have used a "pinch" more insight. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Crushed in Arlington, Texas" missed the boat entirely! The man who complained about the writer's cooking is not going to change; if they marry, he'll complain about many aspects of their life. I know. I WAS that man in my younger days, and I was not placated by improvements in my wife's endeavors. This is just one of many tools in a control freak's bag of tricks.

The only reason our marriage survived was my wife's willingness to challenge me on every complaint and not suffer quietly. I would not ask any woman to go through what my wife did to reach our present 42 years of life together. It's far too long to wait for a spouse to understand his problem.

My response to "Crushed" would have been: Ask yourself, will he change? Be honest. Will you be happy living with someone who will find fault no matter how hard you try? I suggest a showdown with him if you're unwilling to end the relationship; do not enter into marriage with this unresolved. (Actually, my gut feeling is that "Crushed" should end the relationship.)

Let's face it, Abby, isn't "finding fault" just another way for those control freaks among us to maintain control over others? Does it have anything to do with how well others perform? I think not. The problem is more serious than you indicated and should be treated as such.

However, writing this letter does allow me to complain about you, so what does that say about me, Abby? -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, AZUSA, CALIF.

DEAR BEEN THERE, DONE THAT: It says you cared enough about the woman who wrote to write and supplement what you felt was an inadequate response. And I'm printing your letter -- so, what does that say about ME?

DEAR ABBY: I noticed you wished Happy Hanukkah to your Jewish readers, and a Happy Kwanzaa to the African-American readers. Perhaps you would consider wishing a Happy Eid to your Muslim readers on Jan. 29. Thank you. -- AZRA HAQQIE, LOUDONVILLE, N.Y.

DEAR AZRA: Thank you for the suggestion. Eid is the festive holiday that follows the month-long, dawn-to-dusk fast of Ramadan. To my Muslim readers, "Eid Al Fitr!"

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)