DEAR ABBY: I need to get something off my chest. Here is my problem: friends upset about not being asked to be my bridesmaids; family angry about who is giving the bridal shower; being interrogated about why I'm not changing my name; and parents insisting on inviting so many additional guests that we had to reserve a larger reception hall than the one indicated on our invitations.

Abby, rarely do people wish us well. It seems they just want to control some aspect of this event. I am so fed up with this nonsense that I wish we had eloped. We discussed doing that last week -- but some of the guests had already purchased nonrefundable plane tickets, so we could not in good conscience cancel the wedding.

Abby, please tell people who have the uncontrollable urge to meddle and complain about other people's weddings to back off, stay home, bite their tongues, and reserve their negativity for their own lives. Speaking for my fiance and myself, only those who wish to celebrate our joy and love should honor us with their presence on our wedding day. -- WISH WE'D ELOPED IN PENNSYLVANIA

P.S. Thanks for listening. I feel better already.

DEAR WISH WE'D ELOPED: That's what I'm here for, and I'm pleased that venting your feelings provided relief from your pre-wedding stress. The reason that etiquette books are such enduring sellers is because emotions often reach a fever pitch during "milestone events," and they provide guidance as people negotiate their way through the social minefield.

In your case, since the plans have already been made, I would urge tolerance for those who are second-guessing your choices. It's your day and your wishes should prevail; however, the fewer hurt feelings in the wake of this event, the better for you and your husband in the long run.

DEAR ABBY: I am in a heartbreaking predicament. I have been married to "Steve" for three years. I knew shortly after the wedding that I had made a mistake. I am not in love with Steve, even though he is a good man. I don't think he loves me either.

About nine months ago, because I was miserable and had sunk into a deep depression, I tried unsuccessfully to end the marriage. Steve and I were separated for about six months.

The problem is my family thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. During our separation, they were closer to him than they were to me. He and I never attended church when we were married, yet when we separated, Steve joined my parents' church and shows up there every time the doors are open. He has everyone convinced, including my family, that he is perfect. In private, he is far from perfect.

After six months of separation, my family convinced me to go back and try again. We have been together for three months, and I'm more miserable than ever. I desperately want out -- to get on with my life -- but I fear I may lose my family. They are convinced I am completely in the wrong.

I used to be an outgoing person, but I am beginning to feel suicidal. I haven't left my home more than 10 times in the last three months. How can I convince my family that I must get out of this marriage? -- MISERABLY MARRIED

DEAR MISERABLY MARRIED: The only person you must convince is yourself, and you have already done that. While your family may be captivated by Steve, it is probably because they think he can make you happy.

It may take time, but when you family sees you blossom into the outgoing woman they once knew (without Steve), they will understand that no matter how much they liked him, Steve was not right for you.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Crushed in Arlington, Texas," regarding her fiance's constant complaints about her cooking, struck a note with me.

Several years ago, I, too, was involved with a man who did not like my cooking. I was shocked and hurt by his criticisms. Like "Crushed," I tried altering the recipes to correct the faults he pointed out, but he always found something else to criticize. I eventually understood that his complaints were his way of expressing dissatisfaction with ME, and he didn't have the nerve to address the real issues directly. Needless to say, I sent him on his way -- without a doggy bag.

Abby, your advice to "Crushed" missed the point. Instead of giving up or restricting an activity she loves, she should question whether her fiance's criticisms mask some deeper misgivings he has about their relationship. Perhaps he controls others through fault-finding, or cannot admit that she has talents and skills to match his own. If so, the issue must be dealt with before they marry, because it won't improve with time. She may be trying to please someone who, for some reason, can never be pleased. Abby, she needs to know that now, not later. -- STILL COOKING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR STILL COOKING: I've been peppered with salty letters from readers roasting me for not reading between the lines of the letter from that frustrated young woman. And after reading your letter and the others that have come in, I've decided that perhaps my original answer could have used a "pinch" more insight. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Crushed in Arlington, Texas" missed the boat entirely! The man who complained about the writer's cooking is not going to change; if they marry, he'll complain about many aspects of their life. I know. I WAS that man in my younger days, and I was not placated by improvements in my wife's endeavors. This is just one of many tools in a control freak's bag of tricks.

The only reason our marriage survived was my wife's willingness to challenge me on every complaint and not suffer quietly. I would not ask any woman to go through what my wife did to reach our present 42 years of life together. It's far too long to wait for a spouse to understand his problem.

My response to "Crushed" would have been: Ask yourself, will he change? Be honest. Will you be happy living with someone who will find fault no matter how hard you try? I suggest a showdown with him if you're unwilling to end the relationship; do not enter into marriage with this unresolved. (Actually, my gut feeling is that "Crushed" should end the relationship.)

Let's face it, Abby, isn't "finding fault" just another way for those control freaks among us to maintain control over others? Does it have anything to do with how well others perform? I think not. The problem is more serious than you indicated and should be treated as such.

However, writing this letter does allow me to complain about you, so what does that say about me, Abby? -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, AZUSA, CALIF.

DEAR BEEN THERE, DONE THAT: It says you cared enough about the woman who wrote to write and supplement what you felt was an inadequate response. And I'm printing your letter -- so, what does that say about ME?

DEAR ABBY: I noticed you wished Happy Hanukkah to your Jewish readers, and a Happy Kwanzaa to the African-American readers. Perhaps you would consider wishing a Happy Eid to your Muslim readers on Jan. 29. Thank you. -- AZRA HAQQIE, LOUDONVILLE, N.Y.

DEAR AZRA: Thank you for the suggestion. Eid is the festive holiday that follows the month-long, dawn-to-dusk fast of Ramadan. To my Muslim readers, "Eid Al Fitr!"

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Until recently, I knew very little about Planned Parenthood. I thought of the organization as mostly performing abortions. I recently learned how wrong I was when a friend shared the experience her family had with Planned Parenthood.

My friend's daughter, "Suzy," was pregnant, and even though she and her husband wanted a family, they were unprepared to start one just then. Suzy was adamant about wanting to end her pregnancy.

Suzy's mother tried her best to convince her to have the baby, but to no avail, so she suggested Suzy make an appointment with a counselor at Planned Parenthood.

Several days passed before Suzy phoned her mother with the good news. The counselor had spoken with Suzy about her decision as well as other options, explaining the ramifications of each. Suzy went home and discussed them with her husband, and they decided together that she should NOT terminate the pregnancy.

I'm not sure whether Suzy will keep the baby or place it for adoption, but I was pleased to learn that the counselor took the time to see that Suzy was fully informed so she could make the right decision for herself and her family.

I hope you will agree that this is important enough to share with your readers. Please don't use my name, since I was told this in confidence. -- PLEASED IN THE SUNSHINE STATE

DEAR PLEASED: I do agree. Among the many low-cost, high-quality health-care services Planned Parenthood provides: screening for sexually transmitted diseases for both men and women; contraceptive counseling and services; sterilization consultation and procedures for men and women; instruction in testicular self-examination; prenatal care, which covers pregnancy and childbirth; and post-partum care, child-rearing and nutrition.

Suzy's experience was not unusual. However, due to hysteria and misinformation, Planned Parenthood's mission -- to promote individual reproductive rights, information, counseling and medical services without regard to age, race, income or marital status -- is sometimes misunderstood.

DEAR ABBY: My niece is pregnant with her first child. She and her husband have three indoor cats, one of which weighs 20 pounds. Our whole family is worried about this because she keeps saying, "Oh, my cats won't even bother with the baby. They don't care what's going on around them."

But, Abby, the cats have been her "babies" for years, and we're all afraid that they will get jealous of the new baby and smother it. Please help us to convince her how wrong she is. -- CONCERNED

DEAR CONCERNED: I consulted my animal expert, Dr. Erwin David. He tells me that in his many years of veterinary practice, he has not once come across a cat smothering a baby. That's a myth which should be put to rest.

However, he also urged that an infant should never be left unattended with ANY pet.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY ASIAN FRIENDS: It's the Year of the Tiger, and I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you a Happy New Year. In years past, I have said, "Gung Hay Fat Choy," but several individuals wrote to say that is not correct for all Chinese. They suggested that I convey my wishes as follows: "Kung Hsi Fa Tsai," "Kung Ho Hsin Hsi," "Hsin Nien Kuai Le" and "San Ni Fei Lo." This year, to my Vietnamese readers, I'd like to add: "Chuc Mung Nam Moi."

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)