DEAR ABBY: A few years back I got my husband, "Al," involved in coaching our son's hockey team. The sport is something our family enjoys, so I thought it would bring us together. Was I ever wrong! Al's obsession is driving us further apart.

Our son (for unrelated reasons) has been forced to stop playing, but Al is deeper into it than ever. He coaches three teams on a volunteer basis and is away from the house and our four children frequently. It's as if he had a part-time job.

Before you say it, I know there are worse things my husband could be doing. However, that doesn't make it easier to play second fiddle. Al says this is his "thing," so I have no right to intrude. I used to be involved, too, when our son was playing, but I can't justify it now. So Al has told me to butt out of his life and stay away from the whole thing.

Obviously there are other things troubling our marriage, but the fact that he's putting "his responsibility to his teams" before his responsibility to his family is more than I can handle.

I resent the way my husband has put other people's kids ahead of his own. Don't get me wrong; most of the boys and girls he coaches are great. Al may not believe it, but I'm proud of all he's taught them to accomplish. But enough is enough! I don't want it to cost this coach his marriage. -- MRS. COACH IN FLORIDA

DEAR MRS. COACH: Marriage is a team sport that requires effort from both players in order to be successful. Coaching is the way your husband has managed to avoid confronting the "other things" troubling your marriage. The situation won't improve unless you and Al reach a compromise about the number of hours he devotes to coaching so the two of you can resolve your differences and revive your relationship.

DEAR ABBY: I never dreamed I'd be writing to anyone for advice, but I have a problem. I have been seeing this man since last February. I like him a lot, and he seems to feel the same about me. I am 76 and he is 64.

Our problem is his ex-wife. She comes to his house every Friday evening and stays until Sunday evening. He sees me Monday through Friday afternoons, and sometimes in the evenings. She acts like they are still married and still wears her wedding rings, but they are divorced. She drinks and needs help, or so he tells me. I told him if she needs help, there are other places she can go to get it. (They have four children.)

He doesn't want me to call him on the weekends, as it upsets her. Frankly, this hurts me. I have feelings too.

I have been waiting patiently for him to get rid of her. He says he doesn't want her at his home, but he doesn't do anything about it. Should I forget him and move on? I'm sure I could find someone else because I don't look or act my age. -- LONESOME IN CINCINNATI

DEAR LONESOME: Unless your friend finds the courage to tell his ex-wife that he has other plans for the weekends, your situation isn't going to change. And why should it? He's enjoying the best of both of you.

Since you think you could find someone else, you have nothing to lose by telling him he must make a choice. His reaction will tell you what you need to know.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice for people to see that senior citizens get safely to and from places, especially after dark, reminded me of the joke about the 90-year-old man who married the 19-year-old girl.

"Was she beautiful?"

"No," he replied.

"Sexy?" "No."

"Rich?" "No."

"Well, why in the world did you marry her?"

"Well," said the old man. "She could drive after dark." -- MAXINE TOWNSEND, CINCINNATI

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife prefers that I write the letters to our children and relatives. Although she writes a delightful letter, she lacks confidence in her ability to punctuate and spell correctly. I enjoy writing, so I don't mind performing this task for both of us.

For many years I closed the letter, "With love," followed by "Mom and Dad" or both our first names. Last year I decided this was not correct. Although my wife occasionally suggests thoughts that I include, I am the one who generates most of the thoughts and takes the time to write them. Therefore, I started closing my letters, "With love from both of us," followed by "Dad" or my name. This angers my wife. She insists that I sign "Mom and Dad" or both our first names. I insist that she is welcome to add a postscript to my letter and sign it or write her own letters.

My wife wants the letter to be from both of us, but I feel I should sign my letters with my name because they contain my thoughts. Am I being hardheaded? -- THE LONE WRITER, RICHLAND, WASH.

DEAR LONE WRITER: Yes. I empathize with you for wanting recognition for the work of art you have created, but it's a little late to begin asserting your individuality. I'm sure your children and relatives know who is really putting the words on the paper, so for the sake of harmony in the household, continue to sign your letters, "With love, from Mom and Dad."

In almost every marriage, the spouse with the stronger skills will assume responsibility for various chores -- the gardening, balancing the checkbook, wardrobe coordination, etc. That's what makes a partnership successful.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the letter that appeared in your column just before Thanksgiving from "Grieving Mom in Texas."

It is a tragedy that this family lost their firstborn in a drunk-driving crash. Drunk driving is not an accident. No one forces intoxicated drivers to get behind the wheel. They make that choice of their own free will.

I personally have lost two people who were very close to me. The first was my best friend from childhood. Eight months after that, his mother was struck and killed instantly by another drunk driver. Approximately 10 years later, I was struck and almost killed by a drunk driver.

Drunk driving is the most frequently committed violent crime in America, and the No. 1 killer of those between the ages of 6 and 33. I agree with your response that the holidays were rapidly approaching and your hope was that her letter would serve as a cautionary reminder about the dangers of driving under the influence. With a person dying every 32 minutes and being injured every 30 seconds, it's vital that people know how serious the drunk-driving problem is.

As a three-time victim, I must say that the best medicine for the pain all victims have endured is to get involved with Mother's Against Drunk Driving (MADD). Your readers can call MADD's national hotline -- 1-800-438-6233 -- to learn more about MADD and to get involved with their local chapter. The thousands of people in the organization support each other and are a tremendous help in our times of need. -- STEVE EMERICK, CHATSWORTH, CALIF.

DEAR STEVE: I haven't mentioned Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) in my column for some time. Thank you for giving me the opportunity.

I can think of no more effective support than MADD for someone who has lost a loved one through an alcohol-related tragedy. People with a shared experience can communicate with one another on a more profound level.

MADD also promotes education and awareness, and serves as advocate for victims and families throughout the courtroom process.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: What is it with people who do not want to go to a nursing home when they get old? I often read about the anguish families go through when an oldster can no longer live independently. Younger family members have their own ordeals, but old folks seem to hang onto houses they can't keep up and mountains of accumulated "treasures" of questionable value. They see only two options: Stay put, or have the kids take them in.

My aunt, however, was another story. She wasn't wealthy, but had a little money and was smart with what she had. She was widowed at 50, worked until retirement, then set about to enjoy herself. One fine day in her 70s, she informed me that she had visited two retirement homes and knew where she intended to move when she needed looking after. She bought the dress for her funeral, picked out the casket, chose the hymns and helped the preacher write her eulogy. "Now," she proclaimed, "I'm just going to enjoy life until the end." What an inspiration!

Abby, most people are far too attached to material things for their own good. I suppose giving up my material things will also be difficult, but the hardest thing for me would be giving up my dogs. But then, why would I want to be schlepping out to walk a pooch every morning and evening when I am old and feeble?

As for insisting on dying at home (as if that's some tender and sentimental thing to do), it's unfair to saddle loved ones with such difficult and depressing circumstances.

I recently read that about 30 percent of people would choose suicide over a nursing home! Are they nuts? Give me clean, pleasant surroundings for my final days.

While my attitude may strike some as insensitive and cold, actually I love life and intend to live it to the fullest, like my aunt who never made it to the nursing home. At age 83, she had a massive stroke while boarding a tour bus and died almost immediately.

Why is it that so many who say, "I don't want to be a burden," do everything to become one by imposing on relatives or forcing decisions on others when they are no longer able to live alone?

I know this is long, but I think it bears an important message. -- LIVING IT UP 'TIL THE END

DEAR LIVING: Your aunt is the kind of role model we all aspire to be, active and vital to the end -- and you are not far behind. However, please don't be so judgmental of those who are hesitant to give up their independence and familiar surroundings. Many people fear the unknown, and as they age, become less able to adjust to new situations. Few are eager to surrender control of their lives -- and that is what a nursing home symbolizes to many.

Assisted-living facilities that offer varying levels of care for seniors while permitting them to continue pursuing their interests and activities are far more attractive alternatives. Residents can maintain their independence assured that should they become ill or need long-term care, they will have access to health-care services while remaining in a familiar environment.

Seniors should carefully investigate all the options before making decisions about their "December" years.

DEAR ABBY: Please inform me of the proper etiquette. A friend was married for three days, and then the marriage was annulled. What should she do with the wedding gifts? -- WONDERING IN TUCSON

DEAR WONDERING: Since the marriage lasted only three days and was then annulled, the wedding gifts belong to the bride and groom. Whether they return any presents depends on their personal feelings about it. The bride, however, should return any jewelry or heirlooms she received from the groom's family.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)