DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter, at the age of 14, is seeing a chiropractor because of back problems caused by the backpack she carries to school five days a week.

Her teachers require her to have a three-ring binder for each class, no exceptions. Abby, this school has no lockers, and each child is expected to carry the pack home each night and return it to school the next day.

Twenty pounds and up is too much for an adult to carry, let alone a growing child. A newspaper article said children in France are fighting the same problem and that it has become a national disgrace. What are teachers thinking of?

As yet, I haven't seen a backpack with wheels, so I may have to get my granddaughter a luggage cart to save her back. Any comments? -- AN OUTRAGED GRANDPARENT IN BOULDER, COLO.

DEAR OUTRAGED GRANDPARENT: Backpacks distribute weight more evenly than the old book bags we carried in school, but I agree that 20 pounds is a heavy weight.

Many college students, who have even larger books, often strap their books and documents onto portable luggage carriers for easy transport. At age 14, your granddaughter may not want to be different from her friends who still use backpacks, but wheels would ease the strain on her back.

DEAR ABBY: It is unfortunate that "Dumbfounded in Foxboro, N.C." was suspected of shoplifting, detained and questioned. It is even more unfortunate that he felt humiliated and will no longer shop in that store again.

The security officer acted discreetly by asking "Dumbfounded" to follow her. When she realized her mistake, she apologized. Why didn't "Dumbfounded" think, "At least I know this store is trying to hold people accountable and not permit shoplifters to get away with theft (which causes retail prices to rise)"?

Abby, the security officer made a mistake for which she apologized. An apology should be sufficient.

The world would be a much kinder and gentler place if we treated each other with understanding and forgiveness, not retaliation.-- KATHY IN WASHINGTON

DEAR KATHY: I agree, and since this is the beginning of the new year, I'm sure the security officer who made the mistake would be relieved to know that she has been absolved.

DEAR ABBY: As my Christmas cards arrived this year, I noticed there were a few familiar names missing.

It would be so nice if children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews would let folks know if Aunt Mary in California, Sally in Illinois or Gladys in North Dakota were in nursing homes, or deceased.

When my beloved mother died, I wrote to all the people she corresponded with or sent holiday cards to, to inform them of her passing.

I received so many letters telling me how grateful they were that I had written. It takes so little time and it's very much appreciated. -- BEVERLY IN DENVER

DEAR BEVERLY: An excellent suggestion. Thank you for this thoughtful reminder we can all use.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced man with two terrific kids, ages 6 and 8. During the past year, my ex-wife married a man whose previous wife passed away from cancer. "Roger" has two young girls from his first marriage. I am pleased that my ex-wife has found someone with whom I feel comfortable, and who seems to care for my children as well as his own.

Because their mother is deceased, Roger's children refer to my ex-wife as their mother, not their stepmother. I understand that, but now my children have begun calling Roger "Dad." Before the marriage, they called him by his first name. They call me "Daddy," but I am never sure whether it is me or their stepfather they are referring to when they say "Dad."

I love my children with all my heart and am very involved in their lives. I never miss their plays, recitals, games, etc. I respect and acknowledge their stepfather's position, but I feel it is confusing and improper for my children to refer to him as "Dad." Please tell me what you think. I value your opinion. -- REAL DAD IN JEW JERSEY

DEAR REAL DAD: Your children have found a way to accommodate you and their new family. While the terms may seem uncomfortably similar to you, if you asked them, I'm sure they could reassure you that they have distinct definitions of "Dad" and "Daddy." As long as you remain actively involved in their lives, you will always be their No. 1 Daddy. Treasure that, and allow Roger to have his place.

DEAR ABBY: I object to your advice to the mother who regrets how she treated her 18-year-old daughter in the past, and said she was feeling suicidal. You advised her to "pick up the telephone and tell your doctor exactly how you are feeling."

I am a family physician who gets far too many of these phone calls now. If someone wants substantial attention from a physician, an appointment should be made. Most of us have no time to give to callers, and it's not fair to promote us as a mental health hot line, particularly for chronic problems. (This woman's main problem seems to be taking responsibility for her actions; she needs to do more than emote to someone on the phone about her misery.)

It's also interesting that you suggest "medical help" can quickly fix her problem. No antidepressant relieves one of stepping up to the plate and accepting the fallout for failures in the essential challenges of life. I know we're living in an age of medicalization of behavioral issues, but beware of deceiving your readers by suggesting an easy fix!

I cannot sign this because some of my patients might think I lack compassion for them in similar circumstances, which is wrong. -- A DOCTOR IN MICHIGAN

DEAR DOCTOR: I advised the suicidal woman to talk to her doctor because I assumed her doctor would be caring enough to take the call if she said the matter was urgent and personal, and because thoughts of suicide might be something she'd rather not discuss with a medical receptionist. Also, many people don't know which psychology professional to see, and they depend on their physicians to refer them. If that was a mistake, you are the only doctor who has written to tell me so.

I'm sorry you didn't sign your name. Had you done so, your schedule would probably open up sufficiently to allow you to accept phone calls from patients in emotional pain.

DEAR ABBY: We have a problem and need a tactful solution, and are hoping you can help us.

We recently installed an expensive parquet floor in our home, and we would like to keep spike heels off it. How can we tell our guests in a nice way? -- MRS. B. FROM N.C.

DEAR MRS. B.: Keep a collection of bedroom slippers in all sizes near the front door. It's subtle, non-offensive, and should solve your problem.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: It appears to me that "Living a Nightmare" is ready to leave her abusive husband. The booklet you suggested may be helpful, but she may not have time to wait for its arrival, or her husband may beat her if he discovers it in the mail.

She needs someone to tell her, "Leave NOW; you are ready!" She should decide where to go and what to take with her. She should pack lightly, and take nothing that would reveal her whereabouts. She should enlist the support of a few trustworthy friends and family members, as well as the law. Above all, her plans and her location should NOT be revealed to her husband, for he will resort to extreme violence to try to stop her. You can count on that.

"Living a Nightmare," my prayers are with you. I used to think the only way I'd survive my situation would be if my abuser died. I was wrong. I left, and it was easier than I'd ever imagined. That was 12 years ago. I am now married to a man who treasures my physical and emotional well-being. You deserve the same. -- BEEN THERE IN STOCKTON, CALIF.

DEAR BEEN THERE: The most dangerous time for the victim is when she decides to leave. Her batterer's mental state can run the gamut from disturbed to downright psychotic. It is essential that the victim have a well-thought-out plan of action ready. That is what the booklet I recommended in my column was designed to provide.

Please note that I also said it should be purchased by someone close to the victim, so that it will not be discovered on the premises or in the mail by the batterer.

Many times over the years I have urged battery victims to leave their batterer. However, the decision when to make that move is a very delicate and personal one. The timing cannot be decided "for" someone, no matter how well meaning one is.

DEAR ABBY: My husband stops and picks up the local newspaper every morning from a vending machine on our way to work. The other morning, a girl who appeared to be about 6 was in front of him in line, buying the paper for her mother, who was sitting in the car. The child put the money for one paper in the slot and took TWO newspapers!

My husband said to her, "Oh, is this two-for-one day?" The child did not reply. She just took the two newspapers to her mother.

Abby, this is stealing, pure and simple. I wonder what this mother is going to think when her daughter becomes a teen and gets arrested for shoplifting at the mall? I suppose she'll wonder where her daughter got the idea that it is OK to take something without paying for it.

I hope she reads this and recognizes herself. -- DISGUSTED IN DELMAR, N.Y.

DEAR DISGUSTED: The mother missed an opportunity to teach her child right from wrong. (No wonder many of our newspapers are worried about declining circulation dollars.) If the child took the extra newspaper in error, the mother should have instructed her to put it back. However, if she put the child up to it -- shame on her.

DEAR ABBY: I've heard brides (and mothers of brides) ponder what to do with used wedding dresses. May I tell you what I did?

As the mother of daughters who were often asked to be bridesmaids and were eventually married themselves, I wound up with quite a collection of prom dresses, as well as bridal gowns and attendant dresses.

With my daughters' permission, I called the local Little Theater, and they were thrilled to pick up the gowns to add to their costume wardrobe! I was delighted that they would be useful to someone. In addition, I gained valuable storage space -- so everybody benefited. -- MRS. C.D. DAVIS, SAND SPRINGS, OKLA.

DEAR MRS. DAVIS: For those who are not emotionally attached to their special-occasion gowns, that's an excellent suggestion. I'm sure many readers will be inspired by it.

DEAR READERS: Have a happy, healthy and prosperous 1998. And remember, if you're driving, don't drink; and if you're drinking, don't drive.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)