DEAR ABBY: It appears to me that "Living a Nightmare" is ready to leave her abusive husband. The booklet you suggested may be helpful, but she may not have time to wait for its arrival, or her husband may beat her if he discovers it in the mail.

She needs someone to tell her, "Leave NOW; you are ready!" She should decide where to go and what to take with her. She should pack lightly, and take nothing that would reveal her whereabouts. She should enlist the support of a few trustworthy friends and family members, as well as the law. Above all, her plans and her location should NOT be revealed to her husband, for he will resort to extreme violence to try to stop her. You can count on that.

"Living a Nightmare," my prayers are with you. I used to think the only way I'd survive my situation would be if my abuser died. I was wrong. I left, and it was easier than I'd ever imagined. That was 12 years ago. I am now married to a man who treasures my physical and emotional well-being. You deserve the same. -- BEEN THERE IN STOCKTON, CALIF.

DEAR BEEN THERE: The most dangerous time for the victim is when she decides to leave. Her batterer's mental state can run the gamut from disturbed to downright psychotic. It is essential that the victim have a well-thought-out plan of action ready. That is what the booklet I recommended in my column was designed to provide.

Please note that I also said it should be purchased by someone close to the victim, so that it will not be discovered on the premises or in the mail by the batterer.

Many times over the years I have urged battery victims to leave their batterer. However, the decision when to make that move is a very delicate and personal one. The timing cannot be decided "for" someone, no matter how well meaning one is.

DEAR ABBY: My husband stops and picks up the local newspaper every morning from a vending machine on our way to work. The other morning, a girl who appeared to be about 6 was in front of him in line, buying the paper for her mother, who was sitting in the car. The child put the money for one paper in the slot and took TWO newspapers!

My husband said to her, "Oh, is this two-for-one day?" The child did not reply. She just took the two newspapers to her mother.

Abby, this is stealing, pure and simple. I wonder what this mother is going to think when her daughter becomes a teen and gets arrested for shoplifting at the mall? I suppose she'll wonder where her daughter got the idea that it is OK to take something without paying for it.

I hope she reads this and recognizes herself. -- DISGUSTED IN DELMAR, N.Y.

DEAR DISGUSTED: The mother missed an opportunity to teach her child right from wrong. (No wonder many of our newspapers are worried about declining circulation dollars.) If the child took the extra newspaper in error, the mother should have instructed her to put it back. However, if she put the child up to it -- shame on her.

DEAR ABBY: I've heard brides (and mothers of brides) ponder what to do with used wedding dresses. May I tell you what I did?

As the mother of daughters who were often asked to be bridesmaids and were eventually married themselves, I wound up with quite a collection of prom dresses, as well as bridal gowns and attendant dresses.

With my daughters' permission, I called the local Little Theater, and they were thrilled to pick up the gowns to add to their costume wardrobe! I was delighted that they would be useful to someone. In addition, I gained valuable storage space -- so everybody benefited. -- MRS. C.D. DAVIS, SAND SPRINGS, OKLA.

DEAR MRS. DAVIS: For those who are not emotionally attached to their special-occasion gowns, that's an excellent suggestion. I'm sure many readers will be inspired by it.

DEAR READERS: Have a happy, healthy and prosperous 1998. And remember, if you're driving, don't drink; and if you're drinking, don't drive.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a Chinese-American from Taiwan. I have a college education and have lived in San Francisco for 10 years.

My friends "Arthur" and "Larry" are a Japanese-American couple who have lived in a deluxe mansion for 22 years. One day, they invited "Ron" and me for a homemade dinner. At the last minute I brought along "Richard" without calling them for permission. Arthur was angry when he saw that I brought an extra guest and said to me in the kitchen, "It is very rude to bring a guest with no advance notice. Didn't your mother teach you any manners?"

All I could say was, "Sorry, sorry!"

He refused to cook the meal and left the house in a huff. Larry entertained us and said to me, "I don't mind the extra guest."

In my family, my mother always welcomed extra guests by saying, "Don't worry -- all we need is to provide one more pair of chopsticks for the guest."

The next day, Larry informed me that Arthur had decided to punish me by not talking to me for three months. He bought me a book on etiquette by Emily and Elizabeth L. Post.

Abby, was my innocent mistake really that terrible, or did Arthur overreact? What should I do after the three-month punishment? Beg him for forgiveness, or end the friendship? -- WONDERING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR WONDERING: Although it's considered bad manners to bring an uninvited guest to a dinner party without first asking permission from the host, it is far worse manners for a host to refuse to cook the dinner and walk out!

Yes, indeed, Arthur overreacted. He owes all of you an apology. However, what you do following the three-month silence depends entirely upon how much you value the relationship with this couple.

DEAR ABBY: I have never written to you before, but I felt compelled to do so after reading the letter from "Not Guilty by Association," the daughter of the racist father.

I want to applaud this young lady for her courage and strength in refusing to allow her father's misguided beliefs to infect her life. She is probably not aware of the fact that she has broken a link in the chain of racist hate. Racism is taught, not inherited. The only way we will ever eliminate this deadly infection, which is a crime against all mankind, is through teaching our children that it is wrong to hate anyone based on skin color, race or religious beliefs.

I want this young lady to know that she, herself, is a victory in the battle against this infection. Because she chose not to follow her father and become a link in the racist chain, her children will be raised to see individuals for who they are, and not for any external reasons.

Although you face a very difficult situation, "Not Guilty," please know that many people stand behind you and wish you God's blessing. Your personal fight against racism is a fight for all who want to rid the world of this deadly infection. -- MICKEY CASE, FALLBROOK, CALIF.

DEAR MICKEY: I'm pleased to pass along your message of support. Ultimately, we must all be judged by what we stand for, and not the thoughts and deeds of our parents.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a grandmother and I watch my two grandchildren every day while their mothers work. The boy is 5, the girl is 4.

My two daughters do a lot of children's activities in the evenings and on the weekends. The cousins are close. They don't fight, and they really love each other.

The girl's mother includes the boy in every special thing they do -- pizza, fishing, swimming, etc.

The boy says when he and his mother do things, he wants to be alone and he does not want his cousin included. His mother coddles him and tells him it's OK to want to be alone. She tells him to not mention when he's going to the beach, etc., so they will not have to take the little girl along.

I think she is demonstrating to her son how to be secretive and manipulative. I also think it's cruel. Of course, my daughter does not agree. I see disaster ahead. Please advise. -- CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER IN PORTLAND

DEAR CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER: This situation is not a question of all or nothing. Since you watch the children during the day, their time with their mothers is limited, and therefore I see no reason why they shouldn't each spend one-on-one time with their mothers for special outings. There should be no need for secrecy about it.

DEAR ABBY: As one of nearly 8,000 optometrists who volunteer our services through VISION USA, I have seen what an amazing difference eye care can make.

Last year, one of my VISION USA patients arrived with her glasses taped together so the lenses wouldn't fall out. The prescription was no longer appropriate for her, but she told me, "They are better than nothing." When I prescribed two pairs of glasses for her at no charge -- one for distance and the other for computer work, which she needed for her job -- she cried with joy.

In the last seven years, VISION USA has helped approximately 220,000 children and adults from low-income working families. Many had eye health problems that interfered with their ability to work or go to school.

Abby, the 1998 VISION USA program is getting under way again, and I hope you will alert your readers to the opportunity for low-income working families to obtain free eye care.-- ANDREA P. THAU, O.D., NEW YORK CITY

DEAR DR. THAU: I'm pleased to alert my readers once again to this worthwhile effort by the American Optometric Association.

To qualify for free eye care in the VISION USA program, individuals must have a job or live in a household where there is one working member; have no health insurance that covers eye examinations; have an income below an established level based on household size; and have had no eye examination within the last two years. (Eligibility requirements may vary in some states.)

From Jan. 2 to Jan. 30, 1998, low-income working people and their families can be screened for eligibility for VISION USA by calling 1-800-766-4466. Phone lines will be open weekdays from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m. (Central Standard Time). Because phone lines are sometimes very busy, it may be easier to apply by mail. Application forms are available from: VISION USA , 243 N. Lindbergh Blvd., St.Louis, Mo. 63141. Completed forms must be postmarked by Jan. 23.

The comprehensive eye exams will be given in optometrists' private offices in March, coinciding with the celebrating of Save Your Vision Week, March 1 to March 7.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)