DEAR ABBY: Every year for as long as I can remember, I've sworn I'd never celebrate another Christmas like the last one, but the holidays are near again, and I haven't done anything to change it.

We have six grown children, all married, and many grandchildren. We have never spent less than $25 on gifts for each of them -- spouses included. This has become quite expensive.

Along with the expense comes a feeling of wastefulness, one gift becoming lost among all the others. There's nothing I could give my grandchildren that they don't already have, and our children are all doing well financially.

My husband retired this year, and we're living on a lot less money now, but even if our finances were greater, I've lost the desire to contribute to this empty commercialism. I don't want to stop giving completely, but I long to have a more meaningful holiday with my family, sharing the gift of OURSELVES and not our wallets.

How can I tactfully approach the subject of cutting back and still let them know how much I love and appreciate each one? -- SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS

DEAR SEARCHING: Yours is a common plight. Honesty is the best approach. Tell your family exactly what you have told me, and offer alternatives. Limit the number of gifts to each person, or limit the dollar amount spent; draw names rather than everyone giving to everyone else; give one gift to each family; ask for no gifts for yourself or your husband, and request instead that the children create something.

As a family, do something for those less fortunate. Spend an evening singing carols at nursing homes and hospitals; gather to bake cookies or prepare a meal for a needy family. Your adult children will appreciate your initiative in reducing their financial burden, and the grandchildren will learn a valuable lesson about the true spirit of Christmas.

Readers, remember the special needs of seniors this season. Most seniors don't want or need expensive gifts. They prefer practical items that make life easier: postcards or lined stationery and plenty of postage stamps; a "certificate" for a service you can perform that is difficult for them; a basket with a variety of canned fruits and vegetables.

A gift of your time to drive them on errands or to church and the doctor, or simply visiting will be appreciated and remembered long after the holidays have passed and the material gifts have been stored away.

Don't forget that many needy children rely on community-sponsored programs if they are to have any Christmas at all. Contributing new toys or clothes to a group in your area will make life brighter for a child living on the edge of poverty. Please consider tucking a book or two into your gift -- giving a child the opportunity to learn to love reading is the greatest gift of all.

DEAR ABBY: In response to the query, "How do you define elderly?" I figure it must be beyond "middle age."

I'm 63 and feel 35, and I define "middle age" as anyone 15 years older than I am.

Thanks for years of entertainment. -- ROBERT GOULET, LAS VEGAS

DEAR ROBERT: No, no. Thank YOU for years of entertainment!

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Larry" and I married five years ago after a whirlwind, passionate courtship. He said I was his dream come true.

As I think back on those words, I become ill. Why? Because from the day we married, my life became a living nightmare. It began on our honeymoon. I talked to another man, and Larry got so angry he slammed my face into the wall and broke my nose. I should have left then, but I believed him when he said how sorry he was -- that it had been an accident and would never happen again. Besides, my parents had just paid for our wedding, and I was too ashamed to tell them what had happened.

Over the last five years, Larry has broken my wrist by throwing me down the stairs. He broke my shoulder when he pushed me out of a moving car, and he has beaten me so badly I've had to hide in the house for days to keep the people I know from seeing the bruises. I am ashamed to tell anyone. He keeps saying he is sorry and promises it won't happen again ... but it does.

We have two children. We would have had three, but Larry kicked me in the stomach when I was four months pregnant and I had a miscarriage. Maybe it was a blessing because our children have a terrible life. They're scared to death of him. I am desperate to leave, but I, too, am scared. When I tell him I want a divorce, he threatens to kill me. Is there any hope? -- LIVING A NIGHTMARE

DEAR LIVING: There is always hope. Reaching out for help is the first step, and by writing to me, you have taken that step.

It is reported that more than 4,000 women are murdered each year by their abusers. Battered women's advocates tell me that the most dangerous time for a battered woman is when she decides to leave. Statistics show that a woman who leaves her batterer is far more likely to be killed than those who stay. This is not intended to discourage leaving, however, but to emphasize the importance of a clearly conceived escape plan. Most women CAN leave safely with careful planning.

Your first step is to create a safety plan for you and your children while you are still living with Larry. If you decide to leave, this plan should also be designed so that he cannot find you.

I recently received a 50-page booklet called "Striving to Be Violence Free ... A Guidebook for Creating a Safety Plan." It is written and published by an award-winning, nonprofit agency called Perspectives Inc., in St. Louis Park, Minn.

It contains several checklists that will help you explore your options and make sound choices. Especially useful would be the chapter that addresses "creating a safety plan." This section will help you prepare for the next violent outburst; and sadly, there is always a "next time." Unfortunately, over time the violence usually becomes more frequent and severe.

Readers, if you know someone who could benefit from this guidebook, be a friend and buy it for her. (Consider having it sent to your own house to avoid a confrontation with the abuser.)

For parents, this booklet has important information for your daughters -- a section called "Warning Signs of a Potential Batterer," which is designed to help a woman examine a man's behavior BEFORE she makes a commitment to him.

To order this guidebook, send $4 to: Perspectives Inc., 3381 Gorham Ave., St. Louis Park, Minn. 55426 (Attn: Guidebook). Include your name and address clearly printed on an address label, 3-by-5 card or a sheet of paper. Allow four to five weeks for delivery.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In reference to the letter from the 71-year-old woman who suffered from chronic pain after a car accident: Your advice to see a pain specialist about alternative methods of dealing with pain needs to be heard by all.

At 40 years of age, I was rear-ended. A year later I was in another car accident. I was diagnosed with three neck and back injuries and had surgery on both my hands for carpal tunnel syndrome. I was treated with pain medication, high blood pressure medicine, anti-depressants and muscle relaxants. I was in diapers for two years for incontinence. (Only later did I realize this was a side effect of the drugs!) The only constant in my life was pain and depression. I was under the care of doctors, but finally came to realize that I had to take charge of my life. I had to either change it or end it!

To make a long story short, I heard about hypnosis and biofeedback. I went, and after four sessions, I was pain-free! My blood pressure is now normal, I've lost 40 pounds, and I'm no longer depressed. I love being around people and enjoy living again.

I lost seven years of my life to pain. Abby, please advise your readers to never settle for living in pain. Miracles do happen, thanks to the Lord and my doctor. You may use my name. -- L. BARRAS, ST. MARTINVILLE, LA.

DEAR L. BARRAS: I'm pleased to learn that your recovery was so successful, and I'm printing your testimonial. No one should have to live in constant pain. Read on for another view:

DEAR ABBY: One of your readers recently expressed concern about becoming addicted to pain medication. I agree with your recommendation to see a pain specialist for non-pharmaceutical treatment. Unfortunately, these methods are not always effective. Many patients continue to require strong pain medication for relief.

The vast majority of people who take narcotics for pain do NOT become addicts. Although tolerance (the requirement for bigger doses) and dependence (the development of withdrawal symptoms after sudden discontinuation) are associated with addiction, they do not represent true addiction by themselves.

Addiction is a condition in which people make obtaining and using the drug the centerpiece of their existence. The use of the drug is an end point in itself. Drug addicts withdraw and become less functional when they take drugs. In contrast, chronic-pain patients become more functional when they use their drugs, and are able to join in basic social activities frequently denied them by their pain. It is well-established that chronic-pain sufferers develop tolerance and dependence while on narcotics, but these are expected side effects -- NOT SIGNS OF ADDICTION -- and are not considered indications for discontinuing the drug.

Tragically, tolerance and dependence are often mistaken for addiction, and the drugs are abruptly stopped. It is well known that pain patients sometimes take their own lives when their medications are discontinued. I have come to call this "algocide" -- suicide driven by pain.

Better understanding of true addiction, as opposed to the commonplace occurrence of tolerance and dependence, would help alleviate the daily suffering of millions of people and prevent many deaths per year due to algocide. -- MICHAEL S. GORBACK, M.D., THE CENTER FOR PAIN RELIEF, HOUSTON

DEAR DR. GORBACK: Your philosphy may be viewed by some as audacious, but it's logical and sensible. I was fascinated to learn that in the late '80s, Texas was the first state to pass intractable-pain statutes that grant physicians great latitude in prescribing medication to those who suffer from chronic pain -- and since then, more than half of the other states have enacted similar guidelines. It is also illuminating that the incidence of drug or alcohol abuse in chronic-pain patients is no higher than in the general population.

Perhaps this will put to rest the concerns of chronic-pain patients whose quality of life suffers because they fear chemical dependence.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.