DEAR ABBY: My beloved aunt died more than a month ago. I found out a few days ago when I called the rest home to check on her prior to the visit I was planning. I was devastated by the news. I felt I had lost a piece of my soul. My aunt and I had been close since I was a small child.

I live several hours away from the rest home and the drive is difficult for me, but I visited her as often as I could, and we would talk for hours. My sister, who lives much closer, has been taking care of this aunt on a day-to-day basis. Many years ago, my husband and my sister had a conflict that put a rift between us. However, we had been able to put the rift aside a couple of times for family functions.

My sister made all the arrangements for my aunt's funeral, but she never even told me that our aunt had died. I had to learn of Aunty's death from a nurse long after the funeral. I know my aunt would have wanted me there.

Abby, I could never do such a thing to anyone, and I don't understand how my sister could have been so cruel as to keep this from me. Is there any justification for this? Even if my sister had a problem with my husband, our aunt loved us both, and aren't her wishes the ones that should have been respected?

I hope your answer will provide me with some understanding and help me live with the pain. -- DEVASTATED IN IOWA

DEAR DEVASTATED: Of course your aunt's wishes should have been respected. I see absolutely no justification for your sister's cruelty. If you sincerely want to resolve this injustice, ask your sister to explain her behavior. She OWES you an explanation.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single, professional woman. Last year I met a man in the laundry room of our apartment building. He seemed to be the man of my dreams. He asked me if I was married. I'm not, and he isn't either. To make a long story short, we got involved.

He has been married four times and has 10 children, seven of whom are grown and gone. He told me he wanted to be a minister, but his behavior is far from what one would expect from a minister.

He has been divorced from his last wife for eight years, but talks about her constantly. And he spends quite a bit of time with another ex-wife who is the mother of three of his children.

I have been a faithful friend. We go to the movies or out to dinner when he has time, but he has never made an effort to take me away for a weekend.

Abby, he told me he had talked to a married woman in our complex about going fishing with him. I told him I thought that was inappropriate. He also mentioned that he was considering going away to meet a 25-year-old female friend. I know he gives his phone number to every woman he meets.

How can he say he cares for me when he acts this way toward so many women? I am in love with him, but I find his behavior appalling and I'm not happy. I keep hanging on because no one else has entered my life.

Do you think this man is worth hanging onto as a potential mate? -- FRUSTRATED IN MELVILLE

DEAR FRUSTRATED: This man deserves points for honesty. He has made it clear that he's not interested in a permanent relationship. As a potential mate, he is not worth hanging onto.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Your recent column about the Great American Smokeout prompts this letter. You may have helped save my life -- or, if not my life, certainly the quality of my life.

During the Great American Smokeout back in 1985, you encouraged those who had quit for 10 days to write to you. I did, and you responded with a personal note of support and encouragement. I have not smoked since.

A few weeks ago, I was refilling my lawnmower gas tank at a nearby mini-mart and noticed four teen-agers, two boys and two girls, leaning against a car, puffing away.

After I paid for the gas, I approached them and said, "You don't know me and I don't know you, but guess my age."

The guesses ranged from 55 to 65. I said, "I'm 72, and I will play three sets of tennis tomorrow and 18 holes of golf the next day. I have a very good friend who is also 72. He is in the hospital on oxygen.

"I quit smoking. He didn't. Think it over."

My friend may not be dead, but his quality of life -- and that of his wife -- sure is.

It's hard to conceive of age 72 when you're 16, but if just one of those kids got the message and quits smoking, then I will have in part repaid you for your support and encouragement 12 years ago. Thank you, Abby. -- GLAD I QUIT, PENNSYLVANIA READER

DEAR GLAD: Thank YOU; your letter made my day! Your efforts to raise the consciousness of young people about the dangers of tobacco are commendable.

Even with all the publicity that has been generated about the addictiveness and health hazards posed by tobacco, smoking remains seductive to an alarming number of people. Therefore, as the glamorization of cigar smoking increases and becomes a more acceptable vice, I'd like to take the opportunity to emphasize the health hazards associated with this trend.

Cigars have taken on an air of sophistication because of the marketing of Cigar Aficionado magazine, cigar nights at invitation-only dinners, celebrity promotion and endorsements, etc. Growing numbers of women are also participating in this unhealthy fad. Because cigar smoke is rarely inhaled, there is a false sense of security that cigar smoking is a safe alternative to cigarette smoking. However, according to the 1989 Surgeon General's report:

-- Cigar smokers are three times more likely to develop lung cancer than nonsmokers.

-- Cancer death rates among men who smoke cigars are 34 percent higher than among nonsmokers.

-- People who smoke cigars have four to 10 times the risk of dying from oral, laryngeal and esophageal cancers when compared to nonsmokers.

-- Exposure to secondhand cigar smoke carries the same risks as exposure to secondhand cigarette smoke.

-- Concentrations of tar and nicotine are much higher in cigars than in cigarettes.

-- The carcinogens found in cigarettes are also found in cigars.

Readers, is the desire to be "in" worth the risk? Think about it!

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When I read your response to "Longtime Reader, New York State," it broke my heart.

Abby, when I was 33 and our child was 3, my husband died of cancer. That same year, I met a man whose wife had also died. He had two young children. Gradually we became friends and then we fell in love. Three years later, we married.

At our wedding, we danced to "When somebody loves you, it's no good unless they love you -- all the way."

The woman's husband should NOT continue to wear the ring from his first marriage when he is aware of how much it hurts his second wife. Obviously, he needs help with the grieving process in order to move on and have a successful relationship with his new wife -- all the way.

Abby, please urge "Longtime Reader" to insist that her husband seek grief counseling. That man is fortunate to have a caring woman in his life, and this lady deserves to be loved and respected. -- ALL THE WAY IN L.A.

DEAR ALL THE WAY: I agree. The husband should seek grief counseling and learn to live in the present. However, HE did not write to me -- and whether he would consent to do it is questionable. I am printing your letter with the hope that he'll see it and have a change of heart.

Several readers informed me that my answer was far too charitable to the husband. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: A column of yours contained a letter that hit close to home. "Longtime Reader, New York State" said her husband wore two wedding rings -- the one she gave him and the one given to him by his first wife.

Abby, he shouldn't need to wear that ring to remind him of his dead wife. He has a living reminder -- his daughter.

Wearing that ring while knowing it is hurting his present wife is his way of showing her that she is his second choice, and he wears it to keep her in "her place."

Marriage is supposed to be 50-50, and a marriage bed is supposed to be shared by only two, not three -- even if one of them is a ghost. -- ALMA L. MARTIN, PARADISE, TEXAS

DEAR ALMA: I agree that the husband's behavior is insensitive. However, it's not unheard of for widowers (or widows) to keep mementos of their deceased spouses. Read on for a more sympathetic view:

DEAR ABBY: I admire the man who still wears the wedding band from his deceased wife. Please tell "Longtime Reader" that her husband is who he is partly because of his first marriage, and she need not feel threatened by this part of her husband's past.

My beloved husband passed away after 30 years of marriage. The ring he put on my finger has never been taken off. Three years after his death, a good man I had known for years asked me to become his wife. I said yes, but that the ring from my first marriage would remain on my finger. The dear man said, "I understand. Just put my ring next to it, as I have taken my place next to you now." I wear his ring in front of my late husband's. It has never been removed, either, and it's never been a problem.

"Longtime Reader" is married to a man who values the memory of his deceased wife. So what? She should stop and smell the roses. -- WILLING TO BEND, SYLACAUGA, ALA.

DEAR WILLING TO BEND: That's sound advice. Your husband appears to be a wise and sensitive man.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)