DEAR ABBY: When I read your response to "Longtime Reader, New York State," it broke my heart.

Abby, when I was 33 and our child was 3, my husband died of cancer. That same year, I met a man whose wife had also died. He had two young children. Gradually we became friends and then we fell in love. Three years later, we married.

At our wedding, we danced to "When somebody loves you, it's no good unless they love you -- all the way."

The woman's husband should NOT continue to wear the ring from his first marriage when he is aware of how much it hurts his second wife. Obviously, he needs help with the grieving process in order to move on and have a successful relationship with his new wife -- all the way.

Abby, please urge "Longtime Reader" to insist that her husband seek grief counseling. That man is fortunate to have a caring woman in his life, and this lady deserves to be loved and respected. -- ALL THE WAY IN L.A.

DEAR ALL THE WAY: I agree. The husband should seek grief counseling and learn to live in the present. However, HE did not write to me -- and whether he would consent to do it is questionable. I am printing your letter with the hope that he'll see it and have a change of heart.

Several readers informed me that my answer was far too charitable to the husband. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: A column of yours contained a letter that hit close to home. "Longtime Reader, New York State" said her husband wore two wedding rings -- the one she gave him and the one given to him by his first wife.

Abby, he shouldn't need to wear that ring to remind him of his dead wife. He has a living reminder -- his daughter.

Wearing that ring while knowing it is hurting his present wife is his way of showing her that she is his second choice, and he wears it to keep her in "her place."

Marriage is supposed to be 50-50, and a marriage bed is supposed to be shared by only two, not three -- even if one of them is a ghost. -- ALMA L. MARTIN, PARADISE, TEXAS

DEAR ALMA: I agree that the husband's behavior is insensitive. However, it's not unheard of for widowers (or widows) to keep mementos of their deceased spouses. Read on for a more sympathetic view:

DEAR ABBY: I admire the man who still wears the wedding band from his deceased wife. Please tell "Longtime Reader" that her husband is who he is partly because of his first marriage, and she need not feel threatened by this part of her husband's past.

My beloved husband passed away after 30 years of marriage. The ring he put on my finger has never been taken off. Three years after his death, a good man I had known for years asked me to become his wife. I said yes, but that the ring from my first marriage would remain on my finger. The dear man said, "I understand. Just put my ring next to it, as I have taken my place next to you now." I wear his ring in front of my late husband's. It has never been removed, either, and it's never been a problem.

"Longtime Reader" is married to a man who values the memory of his deceased wife. So what? She should stop and smell the roses. -- WILLING TO BEND, SYLACAUGA, ALA.

DEAR WILLING TO BEND: That's sound advice. Your husband appears to be a wise and sensitive man.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am deeply disturbed by the situation my sister has gotten herself into. She calls me often to ventilate and seek my advice. I care a great deal about her, but the telephone time and expense are beginning to affect my marriage, and she never takes my advice anyway.

"Nancy" and her husband have been married 23 years. They are both well-educated. He is a professional and Nancy has worked off and on to supplement their income. They have three children, one in college and two in high school.

Abby, their main problem is that they are heavily in debt due to his excessive use of credit cards. Nancy has allowed the situation to continue for many years, claiming she has no control over him. He manages their money and feels that as the primary wage earner, he has the right to control their finances. They have gone to credit counselors, but have never gained control of their debt situation.

Now they are having trouble qualifying for a mortgage, and their son who is in college is being held liable for $3,900 in telephone charges his roommate incurred.

I have urged my sister to take control of the money in their family, but apparently she hasn't. Every time a new crisis arises, she seems surprised and angry.

Abby, what advice can I give her? -- J.A. IN EL PASO, TEXAS

DEAR J.A.: Since your sister has never taken advantage of your wise counsel, stop giving it. Listen to her other problems if you wish, but when she starts to replay this broken record, end the conversation. If she asks you why, tell her that you love her, but that her refusal to handle financial problems is beginning to affect YOUR marriage.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letters in your column about forgiveness, I remembered something that I read in "Reader's Digest" the morning I had my first real argument with my husband. We had been married only a month. It read:

"To forgive is holy.

"To forget takes restraint.

"To forget what you forgave is the mark of a saint."

Abby, it was true then and it's true today. -- K.C. IN PUNTA GORDA, FLA.

DEAR K.C.: Thank you for sharing this bit of wisdom. Readers, I urge each of you to adopt this sage philosophy, for who among us does not need to be forgiven more than once in a lifetime?

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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have just observed the second anniversary of the death of our firstborn child, and I have finally gathered the courage to write this letter.

My child, the passenger, was killed instantly in a horrible car accident. The driver died a few hours later. Both of these teen-agers had been drinking. The driver had a fake ID, and apparently had purchased alcohol for both of them. The autopsy report on my child came back as legally intoxicated.

My husband and I did everything we could to warn our child about the dangers of alcohol and other drugs. Our words fell on deaf ears, despite all our pleas and warnings.

Even after two years, it's still difficult to allow our surviving teen-ager the freedom to go out at night. That wreck is always in the back of our minds. Though this child is dependable and responsible, we live in fear of the deadly driving of another drunken teen who thinks the only way to have fun is to illegally purchase alcohol and other drugs.

Since the world is still reeling from the shock of the senseless death of the Princess of Wales, perhaps it's a good time for those who admired her to stop and think before getting behind the wheel of a car after they've been drinking.

I realize the problems of driving while intoxicated are not limited to teen-agers and young adults. Everyone, regardless of age, needs to be made aware of this horrible problem so common in our society today.

Parents and teachers, please show this letter to the young people you care about. It may cause some kids to wake up before it's too late. -- GRIEVING MOM IN TEXAS

DEAR GRIEVING MOM: I offer my deepest sympathy on the tragic loss of your firstborn. With the holidays rapidly approaching, I hope your letter will serve as a cautionary reminder about the dangers of driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs. Although for years parents have hammered home the message, "Don't drive if you've been drinking," they should also emphasize that when passengers are intoxicated, they cannot reliably judge the sobriety of the driver.

DEAR ABBY: My two children, ages 8 and 11, each have chores to do after every meal, such as clearing the table or putting the dishes in the dishwasher.

When the children have friends over, however, they don't want to do their chores. Is it OK to make them? And if so, should they be able to ask their guests to help? -- UNSURE MOM, MARINE ON SAINT CROIX, MINN.

DEAR MOM: Every family has its own approach to children and chores. It's up to you to determine what works best for you, and then enforce it. If the children are responsible about performing their duties, an occasional night off when special friends visit could be a simple way of rewarding them. If you require that they do their chores even when they have company, their friends should not be expected to assist them, unless they volunteer to do so.

DEAR ABBY: Although I've never written to you before, I have what I think is a valuable tip for the young mother whose child threw a temper tantrum in a department store. (She was alarmed that no one tried to stop her as she carried the screaming child from the store.)

I taught both my children that if a stranger grabs them, they're to yell, "Put me down! You're not my daddy (or mommy)!" Hopefully this would arouse more attention than simply yelling would.

I hope this is helpful not only to the woman who wrote to you, but to other parents as well. -- PROTECTIVE MOM IN TEXAS

DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM: I appreciate your valuable suggestion. Thank you for submitting it.

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